


*insert title here*

by kittykais



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Highschool AU, How Do I Tag, Humor, Like, M/M, Not Beta Read, Texting, basically chia procrastinating, chatfic!, idek, im also not funny so rip, im bored, lots of het parents, many references?, rlly gay, they're all in high school lmao, unediteddd, woochan uwuwuw, yeet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 34,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24410875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittykais/pseuds/kittykais
Summary: basically, i'm starting a new chatfic and this one is dead. as to wHY im doing this, read the last chapter.talk to me , comment, i'm always up for talkingpls read the last chapterOR: yet another chatfic! Chan adds all of his friend together in a groupchat because why not!!FEATURING: woochan kermit memes, a het! sope arc, many, many, many references, lesbians, wheesa babies, changBUN, chicken noodle soup, Sana the Wine Aunt, IU as a restaraunt owner that smacks ppl with her wooden spoons, gay ppl, yeDAMN, "I LOVE MY GAY DADS"-Yang Jeongin, genderbent heterosexual couples, a chaotic hwang yeji, an adorable rosie, AND A PANCAKE CLUB
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Yang Jeongin | I.N/Baby Shark
Comments: 289
Kudos: 131





	1. "Not Straight Kids, Stray kids"- Han Jisung

**Author's Note:**

> for reference: they're in high school  
> woojin: stillhere  
> chan: catpain  
> minho: toolgarden  
> changbin: smol  
> hyunjin: dramallama  
> jisung: notstraight  
> felix: yeet  
> seungmin: die6  
> jeongin: babysharkeu

**“Not Straight Kids, Stray Kids”- Han Jisung** (9) 4:09pm

_catpain added 9 people!! Welcome everyone!_

catpain: HELLO EVERYONE

catpain: oops caps lock

stillhere: what is this

stillhere: who are you

catpain: chan!

stillhere: *squints*

stillhere: from bio?

catpain: yep!

catpain: and music

stillhere: music?

catpain: producer christopher bang at your assistance!

stillhere: oh you

stillhere: whats this

catpain: a group chat

stillhere: group chat

stillhere: i can see that

stillhere: i dont think i know any of you

catpain: oh im sure you know them

stillhere: …

stillhere: wtf

catpain: ;)

stillhere: this is concerning

babiesharkeu: woojin hyung?

babiesharkeu: channie hyung?

stillhere: jeonginnie?

babiesharkeu: woojinnie hyung!!!

catpain: ;) told you

stillhere: this is concerning, chan

babiesharkeu: you two know each other?

catpain: just aquaintences

catpain: we have a couple of classes together

notstraight: wtf is the chat name

notstraight: wtf chan hyung

notstraight: when did i say that

notstraight: wtf

catpain: language jisung

stillhere: jisung??

stillhere: the squirrel producer?

notstraight: who tf are you

notstraight: and yes that would be me

Notstriaght: producer han jisung at your service

catpain: *wipes tear* i taught him that

stillhere: language

stillhere: and im kim woojin

notstraight: AHHAH WHAT YOU?

stillhere: …

stillhere: this is concerning

yeet: chan hyung

yeet: wth

yeet: whats this

yeet: are you making a cult again

yeet: last time didnt go well remember

yeet: oh hi woojin hyung

stillhere: WHY DO YOU KNOW ME

stillhere: who are you

stillhere: CHAN WHY DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW ME

catpain: chill

catpain: ur kinda famous

stillhere: for WHAT

catpain: idk

catpain: not the one who made you famous

stillhere: gmnit

catpain: language

stillhere: i will cut you with a work

Toolgarden: r/rareinsults

Toolgarden: oh hi everyone

Toolgarden: goodbye

Toolgarden: i need to go and water my son

notstraight: YOU HAVE A PLANT SON?

notstraight: CAN I CO PARENT

toolgarden: um

toolgarden: who are you

notstraight: producer han jisung get with the game dude

toolgarden: what if im a girl

notstraight: im bi

notstraight: i will still gladly co parent

toolgarden: not what i was talking about but okay

toolgarden: i don’t know who you are tho

notstraight: so is that a no for the coparenting?

notstraight: :(

toolgarden: oh um

toolgarden: well

toolgarden: ill think about it

notstraight: THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

toolgarden: ahaha ur welcome?

notstraight: (＾▽＾)

toolgarden: :)

catpain: *squints*

catpain: minho is that you

catpain: are you on drugs again minho because if you are then that is concerning

toolgarden: your face is concerning:

catpain: :/ 

catpain: really now

stillhere: why am i still here

stillhere: ugh

toolgarden: wait

toolgarden: woojin hyung??

stillhere: unless ur talking about another woojin

stillhere: then yes

stillhere: chan why do your children know me

catpain: i claim no responsibility over these foold

catpain: you haven’t even seen the worst of it yet

stillhere: oh my goodness 

stillhere: how much worse could it get?

catpain: ANYGAYS

catpain: CHILDREN GET YOUR ASSES HERE RIGHT NOW

catpain: IM SURE YOU KNOW EACH OTHER BUT WE NEED INTRODUCTIONS STAT

yeet: YESSIR

notstraight: YESSIR

dramallama: YESSIR

die6: yessir!

babysharkeu: 00 line have one braincell

babysharkeu: and it belongs to kkami

dramallama: gasp!

dramallama: how do you know my dog>

dramallama: *dog

babysharkeu: insta

babysharkeu: you scream there a lot

dramallama: you follow me on insta?

babysharkeu: like

babysharkeu: everyone in the school does so

babysharkeu: tbh i only do it for kkami

dramallama: awww who are you?

catpain: OKAY ENOUGH

catpain: BINNIE

catpain: BINNIE BINNIE CHANGBINNIE

smol: wtf do you want hyung

smol: i swear if this is another cult

smol: i will take away all of your producing stuff

catpain: no you wont

smol: fine i wont

catpain: good

catpain: NOW AS I WAS SAYING

stillhere: capslock

catpain: sry

catpain: anyways

catpain: introductions!

smol: Producer Seo Changbin at your service

smol: wait

smol: WOOJIN HYUNG

stillhere: WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ME

catpain: caps lock

stillhere: fucc you

toolgarden: language, hyung

stillhere: ugh

catpain: hehe

catpain: anyways

catpain: introductions!

catpain: name, age, grade, birthday, plus a picture!

catpain: oldest to youngest so

catpain: woojin you go!!

stillhere: ugh

stillhere: Kim Woojin, 17, 12th, April 8 

stillhere: 

stillhere: there

yeet: wait WOOJIN HYUNG?

dramallama: WOOJIN HYUNG?

die6: woojin hyung?

notstraight: yep

notstraight: its woojin hyung

toolgarden: wow what a visual

stillhere: this is so weird

stillhere: im going to pretend that you just know me because chan knows me

catpain: yep

catpain: dw its nothing bad

catpain: anywayssss my turn!

catpain: Bang Chan, 16, 12th, October 3rd

catpain: 

notstraight: EW UGLY BOOMER

stillhere: cute

catpain: I WILL TAKE AWAY YOUR LAPTOP

catpain: uwuwu thx woojin u handsome

notstraight: what are you, my dad?

catpain: yes

toolgarden: dADDY-

catpain: CURSED

stillhere: chan im leaving

stillhere: i contain the only brain cell in this chat

stillhere: (also thxxx you)

stillhere: im taking it and LEAVING

die6: wait hyung i have a braincell!!

stillhere: no you dont

stillhere: idk who you are but

die6: im seungmin!

die6: from choir!!

die6: the one who sits in front of you 

stillhere: *squints*

stillhere: oh its you

stillhere: you can have 0.25 of my braincell then

stillhere: god knows they need it

babysharkeu: *woojin

stillhere: what

babysharkeu: WOOJIN GOD

stillhere: CHAN THIS IS CREEPY

catpain: you get used to it after a while

smol: no you dont

smol: you just learn to ignore them

stillhere: im LEAVING

smol: your name suggests otherwise

stillhere: :(

stillhere: channie ur children are bullying me

catpain: they arent my children

yeet: CHAN HYUNG WHAT

babysharkeu: ARE YOU DISOWNING US?

dramallama: MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A LIE

notstraight: that means you cant take away my producing stuff!

die6: yall stupid

smol: ur stupider

die6: i will murder you

stillhere: NO MURDERING EACH OTHER

stillhere: and chan they are your children

catpain: plz help me

stillhere: i dont even know any of them

catpain: oh right!

catpain: OKAY IDIOTS WHOS NEXT

catpain: MINHO

catpain: YOUR TURN

toolgarden: sir yessir

toolgarden: i will grace you all with my heavenly visuals

smol: stfu and just do it 

toolgarden: i will take my rake and plunge it into your tiny chest asshole

stillhere: NO MURDURING

babiesharkeu: character development

smol: shush

babiesharkeu: CHANNIE HYUNG CHANGBIN HYUNG IS BULLYISMING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

catpain: changbin

smol: i-

smol: didnt even say anything

smol: #savechangbin2020

die6: #killchangbin2020

stillhere: STOP IT

stillhere: minho send ur information now

toolgarden: oooh bossy

toolgarden: me likey ;)

stillhere: *wheeze*

stillhere: CURSED

toolgarden: lmao

toolgarden: Lee Minho, 15, 11th, October 25

toolgarden: and here is a picture of my hot self

toolgarden:

notstraight: im not striught

notstraight: *not straight

toolgarden: wbk

notstraight: *SCREECH*

toolgarden: WHY ARE YOU SCREECHING

notstraight: CAUSE U HOT 

notstraight: *LE GASP*

notstraight: WOWWWWW HES HOT

catpain: *hot hot*

smol: *hot hot*

notstraight: SCREEEEEEEEE 3RACHA

catpain: ASSEMBLE

smol: SIR YESSIR

smol: *salutes*

stillhere: aaaand im leaving

catpain: nOoOoOOoooOoO

catpain: stay

catpain: please?

stillhere: ….

stillhere: fine

catpain: (＾▽＾)

stillhere: (＾▽＾)

babysharkeu: this is character development, everyone

babysharkeu: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I SAY

smol: OKAY SCREW WOOCHAN DADs

smol: ITS MY TURN FISHIES

yeet: fishy boi

smol: no u

smol: also

smol: Seo Changbin, 15, August 11, 10th

smol:

notstraight: HAHAHA PIZZA

smol: grr

catpain: oh are we bringing grr back?

yeet: pizza?

yeet: i like pizza

smol: im not a pizza

yeet: hmm good

yeet: if you were a pizza i’d have to like you

yeet: and im not ready for commitment

smol: wtf?

stillhere: LANGUAGE

smol: sry DAD

stillhere: channie’s ur dad

stillhere: not me

babysharkeu: character development: FAILED HAH

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao im not funny  
> also i dont have social media but i made another email for this purposes  
> chiaseed1206@gmail.com talk to me im bored
> 
> anygays drop a comment belowww idk what im doing but wtv kay bye  
> stay safe everyone <3  
> edit: i just watched the go trailer and OH MY GOODNES EVERYONE LOOKS SO DAMN FINE jeongin when did you get hot STOP IT  
> and can we PLEASE talk about hyunjin's hair?? like oh my GOODNESS THANK YOU STYLISTS IM NOT COMING FOR YOU ANYMORE


	2. Woochan Kermit Memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> catpain: yes they are
> 
> stillhere: no they arent!
> 
> catpain: why wont you marry me
> 
> stillhere: WHAT?
> 
> catpain: marry me woojinnie~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woojin: stillhere G12  
> chan: catpain/CB97 G12  
> minho: toolgarden G11  
> changbin: smol/Spearb G10  
> hyunjin: dramallama G9  
> jisung: notstraight/Jone G9  
> felix: yeet G9  
> seungmin: die6 G9  
> jeongin: babysharkeu G9

**“Not Straight Kids, Stray Kids” - Han Jisung (9) 4:30 pm**

stillhere: this is a complete mess

smol: no u

stillhere: do you just go around picking fights with people for fun?

smol: idk im bored

stillhere: arent we all

smol: idk are you?

stillhere: i am

smol: you

stillhere: what>

smol: idk what

stillhere: chan are your children smart or dumb

catpain: dumb

catpain: and smart at the same time

stillhere: oh god

notstraight: *woojin

stillhere: oh woojin??

stillhere: what?

stillhere: channie theres something wrong with your children

catpain: theyre your children now

stillhere: no they arent

catpain: yes they are

stillhere: no they arent

catpain: yes they are

stillhere: no they arent!

catpain: why wont you marry me

stillhere: WHAT?

catpain: marry me woojinnie~

stillhere: chan we dont even know each other

stillhere: quoting else, “you can’t marry a man you just met”

babysharkeu: yeah hyung take him on a date first

stillhere: yeah chan

stillhere: wait

Stilhere: oh waut what

notstraight: oh?

notstraight: gay panicc much?

stillhere: NO I AM NOT A PANICKED GAY

stillhere: i’m paNSEXUAL

stillhere: and im OCNFIDENT

die6: *confident

die6: it doesnt seem like ur confident hyung

stillhere: ugh

stillhere: chan i hate your kids

stillhere: take me out on a date first and maybe ill reconsider

catpain: oh wait you were serious?

stillhere: …

stillhere: you werent?

stillhere: um well this is awkward

stillhere: ill just leave now yeah thats great aha

_stillhere has left the chat! Chan you are a big dumb!_

catpain: …

catpain: oh shit

catpain: even the app knows i fucced up 

die6: ADD HIM BACK WE NEED OUR SECOND DAD

babysharkeu: I HAD MY ‘I ♡ MY GAY DADS’ POSTER READY 

babysharkeu: ADD HIM BACK YOU DUMMY 

catpain: shoot shoot shoot

toolgarden: wait hyung

catpain: yeah?

toolgarden: do you _want_ to date him?

catpain: yes…

catpain: he’s really nice and sweet

catpain: and has the most heavenly vocals ever

catpain: and he’s sarcastic and funny and really supportive and i really like him and the only reason i made this chat was so i could talk to him without him being suspicious but now ive messed up again

catpain: im stupid

toolgarden: yes you are but you can always add him back

toolgarden: and explain everything to him

toolgarden: he wants to date you too, channie

catpain: mkay

catpain: sry guys

yeet: you have nothing to apologize for chan hyung!!

yeet: we all make mistakes smtimes 

yeet: now go get my second dad back or ill run you over with my fast and furious cars

catpain: *sigh*

catpain: sir yessir

babysharkeu: I WANT WOOJINNIE HYUNG BACK

babysharkeu: CHANNIE HYUNGGGG

notstraight: oop you made tha baby mad

catpain: sry sry sry guys

_catpain added stillhere to the chat! Good job, chan!_

catpain: 

catpain: WOOJINNIE

catpain: IM SO SORRY

catpain: i really do wanna date you

catpain: let me take you to a restaurant please

stillhere: …

stillhere: kermit memes?

catpain: yes

catpain: kermit memes

stillhere: ur dumb channie

stillhere: and im now positive youve been stalking me

catpain: guilty as charged :(

stillhere: but its okay

stillhere: you get one last chance channie

stillhere: take me to a restaurant

stillhere: 

catpain: the italian one?

catpain: with the lady with the wooden spoons?

stillhere: you know the way to my heart, channie

stillhere: i’m also not sure how to feel about that since i know youve been keeping an eye on me fr four years

stillhere: chan stalking is BAD okay?

catpain: :(

catpain: im really sorry

catpain: i wasnt doing anything creepy

stillhere: ik channie

stillhere: im still here so its okay

stillhere: just dont do it again

catpain: okayyyyy

catpain: also since were on the topic of kermit memes

babysharkeu: CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT 

die6: yes character development!

die6: screw my het parents

die6: i now have two gay days

die6: *dads

stillhere: i-

stillhere: am i really your dad now

yeet: YES

yeet: please?

catpain: you should probably listen to them

catpain: theyre the most adorable kids

stillhere: i wouldnt know

stillhere: ive never seen them before

catpain: YES THAT IS RIGHT INTRODUCTIONS

catpain: HWANG HYUNJIN UR NEXT

dramallama: huh?

dramallama: oh gay dads cool

dramallama: woojin hyung i stan you

dramallama: woochan4eva

stillhere: …

stillhere: information?

dramallama: sry i was feeding kkami

dramallama: oh yes information!!

catpain: smh

dramallama: uwu 

dramallama: hii im Hwang Hyunjin, 14, 9th, March 20

dramallama: aaand heres me!

dramallama:

dramallama: tada!!!

die6: hello everyone

die6: oh my god

die6: who is that

dramallama: me!!

die6: omg i know you!!

die6: ur in my history class!!

dramallama: who are you?

toolgarden: WHo

toolgarden: ARE

toolgarden: YOU

toolgarden: CAUSE UR NOT THE GIRL I FELL IN LOVE WITH BABY

toolgarden: STREAM MOTS7

notstraight: oohh i love fanboys

toolgarden: …

toolgarden: do you stan dancers?

notstraight: YOU DANCE?

dramallama: I DANCE

yeet: I DANCE

die6: hehehe jinx

babysharkeu: ew

smol: maknae line wilding

babysharkeu: ew

babysharkeu: boomer

smol: HEY

toolgarden: yes i dance

notstraight: wait

notstraight: are you straight?

catpain: oh my god hes growing up

catpain: WOOJINNIE HES GROWING UP

stillhere: date first, chan

catpain: sorry

toolgarden: ...do you think im straight?

notstraight: tbh no

notstraight: but the song…

toolgarden: im pan :)

toolgarden: it was just in the song 

toolgarden: and ur bi

notstraight: yeah

catpain: please keep in mind that you guys are in HIGH SCHOOL

catpain: im not saying dont date

catpain: just...be careful

catpain: yall still have to take ur APs and tests and get into college and stuff

catpain: and i dont want any of you to get hurt 

catpain: so just be careful, okay?

notstraight: kayy <3

stillhere: shit 

stillhere: omg chan are you free rn?

catpain: yes?

stillhere: get ready

stillhere: we’re going out

catpain: where?

stillhere: on a mf date

stillhere: otherwise i might marry you rn

catpain: shit

catpain: getting ready

catpain: wait im sending you my address

catpain: _address sent_

stillhere: im coming for you, channie

babysharkeu: 

babysharkeu: THAT WAS SO CUTE

yeet: even cuter than baby shark?

babysharkeu: yes

babysharkeu: woochan are my dads now

notstraight: USE PROTECTION

catpain: JISUNG NO

catpain: ALSO INTRODUCTIONS GUYS FINISH THEM COME ON NOW

stillhere: okay channie im omw

catpain: shit okay

catpain: almost done

catpain: JISUNG INTRO NOW

notstraight: okay okay dad

notstraight: hi im Han Jisung, 13, september 14th

notstraight: here is meeee

notstraight: 

(AN: *wheeze* LOOK AT THAT SMILE LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS OH MY GOODNESS HECK so precious uwuwuwuwuw kay im done hehehe)

toolgarden: damn baby you fine

notstraight: WHEEZE

toolgarden: why u wheezing

notstraight: you

notstraight: make my heart go boom boom

babysharkeu: oh worm?

notstraight: hakfjcjoehvrk,a im creepy arent i

toolgarden: no ur cute

notstraight: oh dear god

babysharkeu: *woojin hyung

notstraight: NO WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT

toolgarden: omg

toolgarden: precious boi

_Toolgarden changed notstraight’s name to precious boi. MINSUNG RISE_

Precious boi: u-uwu?

toolgarden: ur precious, darling

Precious boi: CHANNIE HYUNG HELOE MEEEE

toolgarden: ;)

Precious boi: (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄

Precious boi: omh

toolgarden: its nice to meet you jisungie

Precious boi: its nice to meet you too!

toolgarden: :)

Precious boi: :)

babysharkeu: AND THATS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BOIS

yeet: on PERIODT

dramallama: yeet

yeet: WAIT JISUNG I FORGOT

Precious boi: me?

yeet: YEESSS

yeet: WE”RE A DAY APART

Precious boi: WHAT>

yeet: YEEEE ILL GO NECT

yeet: Lee Felix, 13, 9th, september 15th

yeet:

yeet: ONE DAY APRT

yeet: WERE TWINSIES

Precious boi: OH MY GDODS

Precious boi: WE’RE TWINS

Precious boi: aND UR SO CUTE OMGGGG THOSE HANDS

yeet: OMG NO U

yeet: UR CHEEKS UWUWUWU

Precious boi: UWU

catpain: oh did the sunshine twins find each other?

catpain: cool

stillhere: channie you need to order

catpain: oop sry woojinnie

stillhere: (＾▽＾)

stillhere: its okay!!

babysharkeu:

babysharkeu: *dolphin screams*

babysharkeu: UWUWUWUWUUWU

smol: hello fishies im back

yeet: omg its the pizza!

smol: *sigh*

smol: but also

smol: *pizza hyung

yeet: uwu sry pizza hyung

smol: smh

smol: wait is that you?

smol: felix?

yeet: uwu thats mee

smol: ah

  
  


**3RACHA (3) 4:45pm**

Spearb: CHAN WHO IS HE

Spearb: I WANT TO GLOMP HIM

Jone: SCREEEEEEECHHHHHH

Jone: CHANGBIN HYUNG

Spearb: YES?

Jone: MINHO HYUNG

Spearb: FELIX

catpain: ahahaha good you founf each other

catpain: good

Spearb: hyung ur sus

Jone: chan what do i dooooooooo

Jone: i like him ;(

CB97: calm tf down jisung

CB97: you are 14 years old

CB97: you have plenty of time

CB97: take it slow

Spearb: like you and woojin hyung?

CB97: …

CB97: thats different

CB97: me and woojin have been aquaintences for a long time

CB97: we’re also in our last year of hs

CB97: were graduating this yr…

CB97: and we probably arnet going to the same college

  
  
  
  


**“Not Straight Kids, Stray Kids” -Han Jisung (9) 5:01**

stillhere: why does channie look sad?

stillhere: who made him sad?

babysharkeu: ? no one said anything tho so idk

stillhere: hmm

stillhere: okay

  
  
  


**3RACHA (9) 5:02**

Jone: thats true…

Jone: go back to woojin hyung

Jone: he thinks ur sad

Spearb: yeah go enjoy ur date hyung

Spearb: get ur mans

CB97: smh

CB97: luv you foold

Jone: uwu

Jone: luve you to hyungie <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao dont expect this in the future im just hella bored and procrastinating on science  
> as always chiaseed1206@gmail.com is meeee come talk to meeee  
> and go read FAZ and sunlight uwu (shameless self-promotion amirite)  
> and if you have any ideas or stuff please commenttttttt or easter eggs of jokes or wtv  
> this wasnt very cracky sry lol  
> kay byeeee stay safe everyone <3


	3. Let Jeongin have his turn ffs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Piggie Binnie: SHES HOT
> 
> Squirrel Sungie: HOT HOT
> 
> Kitty Lixie: thank you girlfriend and soulmate
> 
> Piggie Binnie: wut?
> 
> Kitty Lixie: wut?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woojin: stillhere G12  
> chan: catpain G12  
> minho: toolgarden G11  
> changbin: smol G10  
> hyunjin: dramallama G9  
> jisung: notstraight G9  
> felix: yeet G9  
> seungmin: die6 G9  
> jeongin: babysharkeu G9

**“Not Straight Kids, Stray Kids”- Han Jisung (9)**

die6: okay FINALLY my turn!!

die6: also @felix, jisung, we’re a week apart

notstraight: WHAT

yeet: WHAT

die6: uwuw

die6: hiiii 

die6: Kim Seungmin, 13, 9th September 22nd

Precious boi: SCREEEEECHHH

toolgarden: why you screeching bby

Precious boi: SCREECH SCREECH

Precious boi: 1. Because me, felix, seungmin are september bois!

Precious boi: 2. BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME BBY AKGDEEUJANVC

toolgarden: ooh i see

toolgarden: ;)

Precious boi: UGH

dramallama: WAIT I FEEL LEFT OUTTTTT

Precious boi: hahahaha sucks for you

dramallama: >:(

die6: wait i have to send a picture!!

yeet: yes yes yes send plz!!

Precious boi: I WANNA SEE My TRIPLET

die6: uwuwu

die6:

(AN: LOOK AT THAT SMILE LOOK AT THAT INNOCENCE LOOK AT IT)

dramallama: 

dramallama: HAVE THEM ALL

dramallama: UR SMILE IS SO PRECIOUS UWUWU

die6: *blushes*

die6: omg thank you!

die6: ur rlly pretty too!!

dramallama: *gasp*

dramallama: PRECIOUS

Precious boi: HEY THATS ME

Precious boi: BUT ALSO YES

Precious boi: UWU

yeet: OMG OMG 00 LINERS ASSEMBLE

dramallama: SIR YESSIR

Precious boi: SIR YESSIR

die6: SIR YESSIR!

yeet: YEEEETTTTTT

  
  
  


_Yeet has made: 00 Liners!_

_Yeet has added: Precious boi, die6, and dramallama_

_Welcome, everyone! 00 Liners Assemble!!_

**00 Liners! (4) 5:13pm**

yeet: hi everyone!!!

die6: hiiii

dramallama: uwuwu hiiii

Precious boi: !!! everyones here!!!

yeet: yeet!!!

_Yeet changed their name to lixie_

_Lixie changed die6’s name to seungie_

_Lixie changed Precious boi’s name to sungie_

_Lixie changed dramallama’s name to jinnie_

Lixie: 00 line assemble!

Seungie: here!

Sungie: here!

Jinnie: here!

Lixie: yay!

Lixie: okay POINT OF ORDER

Lixie: lets talk ships

Jinnie: wait what abt jeongin?

Lixie: OH SHIT U RIGHT

  
  
  
  


**“Not Straight Kids, Stray Kids”- Han Jisung (9)**

babysharkeu: and thats why im planning to kill the entire 00 line

smol: …

smol: innie are you okay?

babysharkeu: THEY IGNORED MEEEEE

yeet: SHIT JEONGIN IM SO SORRY

Precious boi: PLZ DONT KILL US

dramallama: omg omg im too beautiful to die

die6: contrary to my name, i dont wanna die :(

babysharkeu: hmph

babysharkeu: yall mean

toolgarden: lol you made the baby mad guys

yeet: WERE SORRYYYYYYY

yeet: please go, jeongin

babysharkeu: HMPH  
babysharkeu: fine

babysharkeu: only because you asked

Precious boi: jeongin tsundere confirmed

babysharkeu: BITCH IM THIS CLOSE

stillhere: LANGUAGE

stillhere: oh its you jeongin

stillhere: whos bullying you, honey?

babysharkeu: DAD NUMERO ONE MY SAVIOR FROM THIS TERRIBLE HOUSEHOLD

babysharkeu: the entire 00 line forgot about me

stillhere: prepare to die

stillhere: except for seungmin

die6: yay!

stillhere: you need to give me the 0.25 braincell back before i kill you

catpain: woojin no murdering the children

stillhere: fine

smol: _whipped_

stillhere: BITCH I AM THIS CLOSE

smol: omg 

smol: this is where the maknae learned it from

smol: shame on you woojin hyung

stillhere: chan we need to make a detour

catpain: …

catpain: to where?

stillhere: Home Depot

catpain: to get _what_ exactly

stillhere: a rake

stillhere: or a chainsaw

smol: CHAN HYUNG IM SCARED HELP

catpain: woojin...no

stillhere: damn i tried

catpain: i-

catpain: okay then

babysharkeu: I HAVE TO SEND MY INFORMATION YOU BULLIES

smol: okay okay go ahead

babysharkeu: grr

babysharkeu: Yang Jeongin, 13, 9th, February 8th

babysharkeu:

babysharkeu: FINALLY

dramallama: OMG

dramallama: SUCH A CUTIE PIE

die6: UWUWUW BABIE

yeet: MUST PROTECC

Precious boi: SO ADORABLE

Precious boi: wait why are yoy in ninth then??

Precious boi: *you

babysharkeu: skipped kindergarten

yeet: OUR JEONGINNIE IS SO SMARTTT

catpain: have yall discovered yang jeongin?

catpain: oh you have

catpain: ISN”T HE ADORABLE?

stillhere: OKAY THATS IT

catpain: woojin?

stillhere: JEONGIN IS MY CHILD

stillhere: I WANT FULL CUSTODY

stillhere: GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE CHAN

catpain: HEY

babysharkeu: uwu

babysharkeu: no i want two dads

babysharkeu: i literally made a poster

stillhere: omg okay channie we can so parent

catpain: yay!

catpain: what abt the others?

stillhere: dont want them

stillhere: too problematic

yeet: HEY

Precious boi: HEY

dramallama: HEY

die6: hey!

babysharkeu: SEE??

babysharkeu: I WAS RIGHT

babysharkeu: the 00 line hyungs all share one braincell 

babysharkeu: and its owned by kkami the dog

babysharkeu: which is the only reason i even _follow_ hyunjin hyungs insta

babysharkeu: hyunjin hyunggg

dramallama: yes?

babysharkeu: post more of kkami

babysharkeu: i assure you that your followers will increase

catpain: uwu the baby is so smart

stillhere: uwuwu

stillhere: bye bye channieeeee

catpain: bye bye woojinnieee

toolgarden: im assuming the date went well?

catpain: yes!!

stillhere: yes!!

babysharkeu: MY TWO GAY DADS

smol: WAIT NO WHY IS JEONGIN THE ONLY ONE WITH WOOCHAN PARENTS

stillhere: i-

stillhere: yall want me too?

yeet: YES

Precious boi: YES YES YES

die6: YES WOOJIN HYUNG I ADMIRE YOU SO MUCH

dramallama: dont rlly know you but ur nice and will probaby get channie hyung to sleep so YES

toolgarden: im the wine aunt but yeah woochan dads

babysharkeu: I ALREADY MADE MY POSTER

smol: yes omg

stillhere: wel heck

stillhere: now im crying

smol: in the club

stillhere: i cant even get mad at you for that changbin

smol: uwu

catpain: NOOOO WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

stillhere: BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE BEING SO SWEET

catpain: OH MY GOD WOOJINNIEEEE

Stilhere: CHANNIEEEEE

catpain: <3 i like u

stillhere: <33 i like u 2

catpain: marry me?

stillhere: not yet channie

stillhere: wait for me?

catpain: ofc my dear woojinnie

catpain: be my boyfriend?

stillhere: ofc my dear channie

catpain: <3 *send hugs and kisses*

stillhere: <33 *sends hugs and kisses back*

toolgarden: and THAT, children

toolgarden: is how you squire a bf in one day

babysharkeu: im crying in the club

babysharkeu: who wanna join me?

yeet: ME

yeet: where you live innie

yeet: i wanna squish your cheeks

babysharkeu: uwu

babysharkeu: _address sent! Go get your cuddles Felix!_

babysharkeu: my mom isnt here today so come over!!

yeet: omg my dad isnt home here today either!

yeet: lemme just text him

yeet: okeee

yeet: im comin for ya

babysharkeu: uwu 

babysharkeu: let urself in

babysharkeu: the code is 8934

yeet: kayy

stillhere: mkay im home 

stillhere: my parents are not bombarding me with questions thankfully so

stillhere: alright so

stillhere: now that we have established that we are a family, 

_Stillhere changed the chat name to Crackhead Family! (OT9 uwuwuwuwu)_

stillhere: is there something wrong with the app?

stillhere: it always shows those weird messages

toolgarden: *shrugs*

toolgarden: idk

toolgarden: what even is an OT9?

die6: its probably just glitching

die6: ignore it

stillhere: seungminnie i knew it was the right decision giving you the 0.25 of a braincell

stillhere: ur doing great sweeties

die6: *wheeze*

Precious boi: i need that copyrighted

die6: no

die6: there are lots of wheeze worthy moments

stillhere: okay shush im trying to THINK

stillhere: CHANNIE

catpain: ya?

stillhere: whos the mom and whos the dad

yeet: channie mom

yeet: woojinnie dad

stillhere: thank you felix

_Stillhere changed catpain’s name to Mom_

_Stillhere changed their name to Dad_

Mom: wait we’re doing this?

Dad: yes

Dad: its for the aesthetic channie

babysharkeu: duh

Dad: yes jeonginnie

_Dad changed babysharkeu’s name to maknae_

Maknae: beep beep im a sheep

yeet: YEEEE HAWWW

yeet: *gasp*

yeet: JISUNG

Precious boi: ya?

yeet: will

yeet: you

yeet: be

yeet: the

yeet: yee

yeet: to

yeet: my

yeet: haw

yeet: ?

Precious boi: *wipes tear*

Precious boi: ofc i will Felix

Precious boi: im so honored to have that title

yeet: omg

yeet: be my wife?

Precious boi: only if you be my wife back

yeet: ofc darling

Precious boi: my adorable anime waifu

Toolgarden: damn

toolgarden: jilix got married before woochan did

dramallama: jilix lesbians?

yeet: no

yeet: jilix pansexual and bisexual

yeet: we like men too

Precious boi: yep!

toolgarden: do you like me jisung?

Precious boi: ofc i do hyung!

toolgarden: good

Precious: (＾▽＾)

toolgarden: :)

Dad: as fun as this was

Dad: we are still not done

_Stillhere changed toolgarden’s name to Wine Aunt_

Wine Aunt: hello children

Wine Aunt: i have been reborn

Wine Aunt: this is my true self

Wine Aunt: cross me and perish

Wine Aunt: I am not a lesbian

Wine Aunt: men are trash

Precious boi: even me?

Wine Aunt: you are not a Man

Wine Aunt: you are an adorable baby squirrel uwu

Mom: DOESNT HE LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL???

Mom: I FOUND HIM AT THE ZOO

Precious boi: YOU TOLD ME YOU GOT ME FROM WALMART

Mom: the walmart at the zoo

yeet: THERES A WALMART AT THE ZOO????

yeet: WHY WAS I NOT AWARE OF IT

Dad: hmm

Dad: how do i name the rest of the kids

yeet: am i ur favorite hyung?

Dad: hmm

Dad: you cause the least trouble

_Dad changed yeet’s name to Favorite Child_

Dad: aaand

Dad: the problem children

smol: THE PROBLEM CHILDREN???

_Dad changed smol’s name to Problem Child 1_

_Dad changed Precious boi’s name to Problem Child 2_

Problem Child 1: what

Dad: actually i dont like this

Problem Child 2: w h a t 

_Dad changed Problem Child 1’s name to piggie binnie_

_Dad changed Problem Child 2’s name to squirrel sungie_

_Dad changed yeet’s name to kitty lixie:_

_Dad changed dramallama’s name to llama jinnie_

_Dad changed die6’s name to puppy seungie_

Dad: aww look at the family

Mom: you can call me a zookeeper

Dad: what?

Mom: nothing

Squirrel Sungie: 3RACHA ASSEMBLE

Piggie Binnie: SIR YESSIR

Mom: *salutes*

Dad: what even is a 3racha

Mom: our music producing group!

Kitty Lixie: PLAY WOW

Mom: NO

Dad: what’s wow?

Mom: NO

Mom: ABSOLUTELY NOT

Dad: oh?

Dad: i am: intrigued

Kitty Lixie: its channie hyung pretending to be straight

Mom: I AM PANSEXUAL

Mom: I LIKE GIRLS TOO

Kitty Lixie: but did you _say_ that in wow?

Kitty Lixie: NOPE

Kitty Lixie: it was only 

Kitty Lixie: “WOWWWW”

Piggie Binnie: SHES HOT

Squirrel Sungie: HOT HOT

Kitty Lixie: thank you soulmate and girlfriend

Piggie Binnie: wut?

Kitty Lixie: wut?

Squirrel Sungie: wut?

Maknae: yall gay

Maknae: same tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)  
> i finished my math hw too and this is strangely addicting and an amazing stress reliever  
> so here ya go  
> ALSO: quick question: whats ur fav bts ship? ill need it for an arc of the story hehe feel free to put any ship you want (altho it does have to be limited to two ppl ex:namjin) thanks in advance everyone!!  
> also thank you for all the lovely comments on the previous chapters, as well as a 100 hits!! yay!  
> drop a comment below pleaseee and thank you for reading!  
> stay safe everyone <3


	4. I go to school, BOI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maknae: yeah  
> Maknae: dad’s a big fan  
> Maknae: i remember the time when he would NOT stop playing chicken noodle soup  
> Maknae: i would get home  
> Maknae: and the SECOND i walk thru the door  
> Maknae: CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP WITH A SODA ON THE SIDEE  
> Maknae: HE EVERN MEMORIZED THE SPANISH PARTS  
> Maknae: AND HE WAS ALWAYS DOING THE DANCE  
> Maknae: IT WAS TRAUMATIZING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woojin: Dad  
> Chan: Mom  
> Minho: Wine Aunt  
> Changbin: Piggie Binnie  
> Hyunjin: Llama Jinnie  
> Jisung: Squirrel Sungie  
> Felic: Kitty Lixie  
> Seungmin: Puppy Seungie  
> Jeongin: Maknae

**00 line! (4) 10:05 pm**

Lixie: okay i FINISHED ALL MY WORK YEE

Lixie: my mom came back too

Lixie: she was wearing her special dress today

Lixie: i think she had a date

Jinnie: oh?

Jinnie: did you see the date?

Lixie: no 

Lixie: i was in my room

Sungie: is he hawt?

Lixie: I JUST SAID I DIDNT SEEE

Sungie: okay okay sry 

Lixie: why are you invested in my mother’s love life

Lixie: *squints*   
Lixie: ARE YOU DATING MY MOM???

Sungie: WTF NO

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 10:07 pm**

Dad: idk who it is

Dad: BUT STOP CUSSING

Kitty Lixie: omg

Kitty LIxie: woojin hyung are you psychic

Dad: yes

Piggie Binnie: WOOJIN HYUNG GOD CONFIRMED

Piggie Binnie: ASSEMBLEEEEEEE

Kitty Lixie: ur

Kitty Lixie: different

Piggie Binnie: everyones different

Piggie Binnie: im not special

Kitty Lixie: hmm

Kitty LIxie: an intellectual

Kitty Lixie: me likey

Squirrel Sungie: SEOLLENDA ME LIKEY

Puppy Seungie: ME LIKEY LIKEY LIKEY

Wine Aunt: DUGEUN DUGEUN DUGEUN 

Maknae: HEART HEART

Kitty Lixie: yall passed the vibe check

Kitty Lixie: my family are icons bois

Dad: wbk

KItty Lixie: omg ur an intellectual hyung!!

Dad: duh

Dad: i go to school

Dad: BOI

Mom: KURVBKBKUUR

Mom: IM TELLING BAMBAM AHAHAHHAHA

Dad: ;)

Mom: *SCREECH*

Wine Aunt: why you screeching honey ;)

Mom:

Wine Aunt: oh its you

Wine Aunt: ew

Wine Aunt: nvm thought it was sungie

Squirrel Sungie: u-uwu

Wine Aunt: <3

  
  
  


**00 Line! (4) 10:13pm**

Sungie: 2-1-1 i have an emergency

Lixie: hello sir, what seems to be the problem

Sungie: my heart is going boom boom

Sungie: too fast

Sungie: i think im dying

Lixie: sir you arnet dying

Sungie: IS HE FLIRTING????

Lixie: *hangs up*

Lixie: tbh ya

Sungie: WHAT DO I DO

Lixie: GO ANSWER HIM BACK DUMBASS

Sungie: OH SHIT YEA

  
  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 10:15pm**

Squirrel Sungie: <3

Squirrel Sungie: thx you

Wine Aunt: yw~

Squirrel Sungie: ahah

Squirrel Sungie: wait are felix and jeongin stil together?

Kitty Lixie: nope

Kitty Lixie: went back home after Jeongin’s dad came back

Maknae: it was weird

Maknae: ive never seen him look so happy

Wine Aunt: isnt that good?

Maknae: he was all dressed up too

Maknae: oh well

Maknae: at least he didnt bring some girl/guy back home

Wine Aunt: hes bi?

Maknae: my father is a pansexual mess

Dad: what

Maknae: not you hyung

Maknae: bio father

Maknae: hes where i get my energy from

Dad: oh i see

Dad: he sounds nice 

Maknae: he is a pansexual mess

Maknae: HE DOESNT LET US EAT PANCAKES

Maknae: CAUSE HE SAYS THAT ITS CANNIBALISM

Maknae: ITS NOT CANNIBALISM FOR ME

Maknae: IM ACE

Maknae: AND GAY

Dad: smh

Dad: if you want pancakes innie then just come over

Dad: my parents dont really care what happens in the house anymore

Maknae: how come?

Dad: well every since tae hyung moved out

Dad: theyve loosened the reins on me

Dad: and i got good grades on all the standardized tests

Mom: MY BBY IS A SMART COOKIE

Dad: omg be quiet

Dad: embarrasing piece of shit

Mom: HEY

Wine Aunt: hes not wrong

Mom: >:(

Dad: </3

Dad: oh wait aha

Dad: <3

Mom: I CALL DIVORCE

Mom: wait SORRY

Mom: IM BREAKING UP WITH YOUUUUUUU

Dad: lol okay

Dad: dont miss me too much channie

Dad: ;)

Wine Aunt: oh?

Wine Aunt: when did woojin hyung become a confident pan?

Dad: since i realized chan was stalking me because he likes me

Dad: its fun to make him blush

Mom: eiurkvjwj

Squirrel Sungie: YES DAD

Squirrel Sungie: KILL HIM

Dad: …

Mom: …

Squirrel Sungie: :(

Squirrel Sungie: nuuuu

Squirrel Sungie: i wanted to take his producing stuff

Mom: i hate this flipping family

Dad: welp

Dad: got a bf and lost him 

Dad: all in one day

Mom: ARE YOU BREAKING YP WITH MEE

Dad: UR THE ONE WHO SAID THAT UR ELAVING

(AN: keep in mind that these are hs seniors who have recently finished their junior year (read: hell) and their brains are probably still wiped out. They deserve every right to be a mess. smh)

Mom: BUT UR SUPPOSED TO CHASE AFTER ME

Wine Aunt: dont girls usually say that

Mom: GENDER EQUALITY

Mom: but i was kidding anyways

Mom: i would never leave you

Mom: seungmin would hunt me down if i did

Puppy Seungie: damn right I would

Maknae: GUYS

Maknae: I THINK MY DAD IS IN LOVE

Dad: what happened???

Maknae: he’s playing THE song

Dad: which song?

Maknae: the song he plays when someone boosts his ego

Maknae: basically when hes really happy

Maknae: its called EGO

Mom: by J-Hope?

Maknae: yeah

Maknae: dad’s a big fan

Maknae: i remember the time when he would NOT stop playing chicken noodle soup

Maknae: i would get home

Maknae: and the SECOND i walk thru the door

Maknae: CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP WITH A SODA ON THE SIDEE

Maknae: HE EVERN MEMORIZED THE SPANISH PARTS

Maknae: AND HE WAS ALWAYS DOING THE DANCE

Maknae: IT WAS TRAUMATIZING 

Dad: oh dear

Dad: jeongin

Dad: just play baby shark

Maknae: ok hyung

Maknae: none of you know my pain

Kitty Lixie: ugh my mom is crying now

Dad: WHAT?

Dad: what is wrong with both or ur bio parents

Dad: my parents arent this weird

Dad: were a normal family

Kitty Lixie: shes playing SEESAW

Dad: by SUGA?

Kitty Lixie: yeah she loves him

Kitty Lixie: had the biggest celebrity crush on him last year

Kitty Lixie: its how i learned how to cuss

Kitty Lixie: she would play AGUST D on repeat at night

Kitty Lixie: smh 

Kitty Lixie: mother thought she was subtle

Dad: oh my

Kitty Lixie: luckily she’s normal

Kitty Lixie: mostly

Kitty Lixie: anyways woochan are the best dads

Mom: *wipes tear*

Dad: you arent funny chan

Mom: :(

Dad: :)

Mom: why are you so mean to me

Dad: its my job

Mom: ugh

Maknae: i think the both of you should go to sleep

Mom: WHAT

Dad: NO

Mom: all of you children will wreck HAVOC in here

Dad: im pretty sure channie cant sleep anyways

Mom: how would you know that

Dad: i have my sources

Mom: were you stalking me

Dad: only ur insta 

Mom:

Dad:

Mom: i think i need to sleep

Dad: i think you should go to sleep

Mom: can you come over?

Dad: parents wont mind?

Mom: parents dc

Mom: its senior yr

Mom: and theyre focused on rosie anyways smh

Mom: shes failing math 

Dad: math?

Dad: what grade?

Mom: 8th

Dad: tell your parents she has a tutor

Dad: if they want

Mom: wat REALLY?

Mom: we’ve been trying to get her a tutor for AGES but theyre all gross

Mom: and theyre all men

Dad: …

Dad: am i not male

Mom: but ur my bf

Mom: you wont take advantage of her

Maknae: WE HAVE ANOTHER SIBLING?

Mom: technically shes ur aunt but….

Mom: shes ur age innie

Mom: i guess?

Dad: kay im coming

Wine Aunt: WAIT UR MEETING THE PARENTS ALREADY>???

Dad: i suppose so

Dad: channie needs the sleep >:(

Llama Jinnie: woojin hyung

Dad: yes?

Llama Jinnie: STAY OUR DADS FOREVER

Llama Jinnie: CHANNIE HYUNG NEVER SLEEPS AND WEVE BEEN TRYING TO SET HIM UP FOR  _ AGES _ BUT HES ALWAYS SAID THAT HE LIKED YOU AND HE NEVER SLEEPS AND IM HONESTLY SO SURPRISED THAT HE’S EVEN ALIVE RN CAUS E HIS ENTIRE BLOODSTREAM IS COFFEEEEEE

Llama Jinnie: INNIE

Maknae: yes?

Llama Jinnie: WHERE IS YOUR POSTER

Maknae: at my house

Llama: were putting it on my insta

Llama Jinnie: bring it to school tmrw

Dad: oh my dear god

Dad: UWU I LOVE YOU CHILDREN

Mom: HURRY UP I WANNA SLEEP FOR ONCE

Dad: COMING

Kitty Lixie: IM SURE HES NYOOMING OVER THERE

Dad: *NYOOM*

KITTY LIXIE: UR MY FAVORITE DAD

Mom: HEY

Kitty LIXIE: I STAND BY MY CASE

Dad: and felix is now my favorite child

_Dad changed Kitty Lixie’s name to Favorite Child_ _(ew so cliche)_

Dad: uwu

Favorite Child: uwu

Dad: minho

Wine Aunt: what

Wine Aunt: i was feeding my cats

Wine Aunt: i need to water my son

Squirrel Sungie: CAN I PLEASE CO PARENT

Wine Aunt: um

Wine Aunt: maybe

Squirrel Sungie: CAN I SEE YOUR CATS

Wine Aunt: tmrw

Squirrel Sungie: YAY

Dad: change the names for me

Wine Aunt: sir yessir

_ Wine Aunt changed Squirrel Sungie’s name to Problem Child 1 _

_ Wine Aunt changed Piggie Binnie to Problem Child 2: _

Problem Child 2: wtf?

Dad: LANGUAGE CHANGBUN

Dad: *changbin

Favorite Child: AHAHA CHANGBUN

Favorite Child: so

Favorite Child: Changbun Pizza hyung

Problem Child 2: #savechangbin2020

Puppy Seungie: *#killchangBUN2020

Wine Aunt: lmaooo

Problem Child 1: MINHO HYUNG

Problem Child 1: YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE I COULD TRUST 

Problem Child 1: EXCEPT FOR MY WIFE

Favorite Child: <3

Problem Child 1: <33

(AN: JILIX YES YES YESSSSSSSS)

Wine Aunt: sry sungie

Wine Aunt: daddy’s orders

Problem Child 2: *WHEEZE*

Problem Child 2: CURSED

Wine Aunt: ;)

Problem Child 1: oh god

Problem Child 2: *woojinhyung

Problem Child 1: stfu pizza hyung

Problem Child 2: only felix can call me that

Favorite Child: what abt me?

Favorite Child” o-owo?

Wine Aunt: CHANGBUN CONFIDENT GAYYY

Favorite Child: OWO???

Problem Child 1: WIFEY

Favorite Child: yes my dear wife?

Problem Child 1: I KNOW WE’RE MARRIED

Problem Child 1: BUT I WILL GLADLY LET YOU HAVE CHANGUN AS UR SIDE HOE

Favorite Child: *choke*

Wine Aunt: kinky

Maknae: NO HYUNG NO

Maknae: AHIURBJKJRKJHV

Favorite Child: ONLY IF MINHO HYUNG CAN BE UR SIDE HOW

Problem Child 1: DEAL

Favorite Child: DEAL

Wine Aunt: hecc

(AN: MINSUNG RISE BITCH)

(AN: CHANGLIX RIISSEEEEEEEEEEEEE)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i go to school, BOI  
> bambam is an ICON  
> also wth i havent written FAZ or sunlight since i started this fic and i really should but this is fun oof  
> anyways drop a comment i love talking to you guyss thank you fro 200 hits and almost 30 kudos!! ily all  
> email's the same as always, hmu im bored  
> stay safe everyone <3!!


	5. Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin: hold up lemme just get my popcorn
> 
> Minho: what  
> Minho: wtf??
> 
> Changbin: okay im back  
> Changbin: this is practically a drama  
> Changbin: please continue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter for lovelyleeknow because chia is Big Dumb and they're amazing (love ya <3)
> 
> Woojin: Dad G12  
> Chan: Mom G12  
> Minho: Wine Aunt G11  
> Changbin: Piggie Binnie G10  
> Hyunjin: Llama Jinnie G9  
> Jisung: Problem Child 1 G9  
> Felic: Favorite Child G9   
> Seungmin: Puppy Seungie G9  
> Jeongin: Maknae G9

Previously on *insert* :

_ Favorite Child: ONLY IF MINHO HYUNG CAN BE UR SIDE HOE _

_ Problem Child 1: DEAL _

_ Favorite Child: DEAL _

_ Wine Aunt: hecc _

  
  


**CrackHead Family (9) 10:57**

Favorite Child: *hoe

Favorite Child: @Wine Aunt

Favorite Child: you okay there

Wine Aunt: yes

Wine Aunt: perfectly fine

Problem Child 1: SO WILL YOU BE MY SIDE HOE?

Wine Aunt: um

Wine Aunt: i thought you wanted to co parent the plant son?

Problem Child 1: oh REALLY???

Problem Child 1: I CAN??

Wine Aunt: um

Wine Aunt: yes

Wine Aunt: yes yes sure

Wine Aunt: you can come ober after school tmrw?

Wine Aunt: my parents will probably be out

Wine Aunt: if not theyll coddle you

Problem Child 1: uwu

Problem Child 1: love being coddled

  
  


_ Wine Aunt has created a chat with Problem Child 2 for ranting purposes!  _

_ Wine Aunt has changed their name to Minho _

_ Wine Aunt has changed Problem Child 2’s name to Changbin _

_ Wine Aunt has named the chat: Help _

**Help (2) 11:00**

Changbin: hyung?

Changbin: whats this

Minho: hi so i know we dont know each other that well

Changbin: we’re friends now tho, hyung

Changbin: calm down

Minho: can you keep a secret?

Changbin: is this about Jisung?

Minho: am i that obvious?

Changbin: yes

Changbin: luckily for you jisung is oblivious

Changbin: rant all you want hyung

Changbin: even though im a replacement for chan hyung

Minho: …

Minho: changbin

Minho: you arent just a replacement for chan

Minho: you know that right?

Changbin: the only reason ur coming to me is because chans asleep

CHangbin: and woojins the one who put him to sleep

Changbin: also asleep

Minho: that might have been the reason why I made the chat

Minho: and yeah thats why i came to you

Minho: but also because i want to get to know you better

Minho: ur an interesting guy

Minho: and you like felix

Minho: who is my beloved dongsaeng

Changbin: am i really that obvious?

Minho: yes

Minho: and we will talk about that after

Minho: please dont think of yourself as just a replacement changbin

Minho: okay?

Changbin: okay

Minho: dont believe you but i will accept it

Minho: im taking screenshots bitch

Changbin: smh

Changbin: ur an interesting hyung

Minho: good

Minho: you wont get bored of me then

Changbin: i doubt any of us would get bored of you

Changbin: jisungie likes you too much

Minho: hes only acting like that because i have plants

Minho: and cats

Changbin: whatever you say hyung

Changbin: now tell me about him

Changbin: hes my best friend

Changbin: i need to make sure ur good enough for him

Minho: im probably not

Changbin: ill decide that

Changin: not you

Minho: well

Minho: hes adorable as fuck

Minho: hes blunt

Minho: he didnt even know me and he asked me to coparent with him???

Minho: that just stood out to me

Minho: cause no one approaches me ya know

Minho: and it was just nice…

Changbin: hold up lemme just get my popcorn

Minho: what

Minho: wtf??

Changbin: okay im back

Changbin: this is practically a drama

Changbin: please continue

Minho: um okay

Minho: anyways his entire personality is just

Minho: i cant describe it with my limited vocabulary ahah

MInho: but hes just so adorable and outstanding

Minho: and he even LOOKS like a squirrel

Minho: that just adds to his cuteness??

Minho: he seems charismatic

Minho: i only have a tiny crush on him and stuff

Minho: but im sure itll grow 

Minho: into...smth bigger

Minho: hes just rlly precious

Minho: and easy to talk to 

Minho: and he makes me gay panic

Minho: i never gay panic

Minho: and hes in a music group

Minho: which is very talented

Minho: he is very talented

Minho: okay um thats it

Changbin: i think you need to chill tf out

Minho: what

Minho: ?

Changbin: ur fine

Changbin: you like him for his personality

Changbin: while his appearance obviously played a factor in your likeness of him

Changbin: the attraction started from the personality

Changbin: i think ur alright right now

Minho: …

Minho: thank you

Changbin: anytime hyung

Minho: now

Minho: lets talk changlix

Changbin: theres no point in trying to escape is there?

Minho: no

Minho: felix is like a brother to me

Minho: and i need to make sure ur good enough for him

Changbin: well

Changbin: hes interesting

Changbin: tbh ik i said that i liked him

Changbin: but im not really sure

Changbin: and unless im reading things wrong

Changbin: hes interested in me 

Changbin: right?

Minho: from what i can see…

Minho: yes

Minho: mind you hes usually a panicked gay

Minho: for some reason hes flirting blatantly

Changbin: thought so

Changbin: im not going to say anything to him until i figure out how i feel

Minho: hmm

Minho: ur good for him

Minho: both of you are good for each other

Changbin: thank you

Changbin: i like to think that im emotionally stable

Minho: i think you are

Minho: also

Minho: you arent uncomfortable with the flirting?

Minho: the kids will start shipping very soon

Changbin: no

Changbin: its flattering

Changbin: thinking that people think that someone could like me

Changbin: or that me and someone else would look good together

Minho: ur an amazing person binnie

Minho: none of us will let you forget that

Changbin: hyung

Minho: yes?

Changbin: …

Changbin: this was nice

Changbin: would it be okay if we talked again?

Minho: for someone emotionally stable

Minho: u sure are dumb

Changbin: :/

Changbin: im just asking!!

Changbin: why u bully me

Changbin: #savechangbun2020

Changbin: shit

Changbin:*changbin

Minho: AHAHHAHA

Minho: im screenshotting that

Changbin: ugh

Changbin: i hate u

Minho: luv ya too <3

Changbin: hmph

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 11:35**

Problem Child 1: why is the chat dead

Wine Aunt: go to sleep

Favorite Child: YOU CANT SEE ME

Wine Aunt: …

Wine Aunt: felix

Wine Aunt: you are sleep deprived

Wine Aunt: go to sleep

Favorite Child: :(

Favorite Child: but i dont wanna

Wine Aunt: felix…

Wine Aunt: i WILL go to your house

Wine Aunt: your mother loves me

Favorite Child: i cant sleep

Wine Aunt: im omw

Wine Aunt: i want everyon off this chat

Wine Aunt: otherwise i will pull a Chan

Problem Child 1: and do what?

Wine Aunt: you dont want to know

Problem Child 1: :(

Wine Aunt: sorry cutie

Wine Aunt: but also 

Wine Aunt: i had a job to do

_ Wine Aunt has changed Puppy Seungie’s name to Satan _

_ Wine Aunt had changed Llama Jinnie’s name to Dramatic _

Wine Aunt: not very family-ish

Wine Aunt: but there’s always a satan and a dramatic in the family

Wine Aunt: good night everyone <3

Favorite Child: minho hyungiieeeeeeeee

Favorite Child: hehehe

Favorite Child: dyu even vscoooo

Favorite Child: skskskksksksks

Wine Aunt: see felix?

Wine Aunt: this is what happens when you dont sleep before 11

Wine Aunt: get in bed

Favorite Child: okay hyung~

Wine Aunt: i texted ur mom

Wine Aunt: try and get some sleep

Favorite Child: okay hyungie

Favorite Child: <3

Wine Aunt: take care everyone

Wine Aunt: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyoneeeee  
> i wrote this in like 30 min ahahah because i finished my hw :)  
> im very proud to say that i wrote a bit of FAZ (chapter hopefully on saturday!!) and a bit more of sunlight (chapter date unknown!)  
> anyways yeah   
> you can than lovelyleeknow and seungminis for this chapter   
> it was supposed to be crack idk what happened but oh well hope you enjoyed it anyways!!  
> drop a comment belowww on ur favorite kpop ship(s) please and thank you! (preferably 3rd gen) and not sope (that ones taken)  
> thanks in advance and stay safe everyone!!!


	6. Wookisses <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Problem Child: I KISSED A BOY AND I LIKED IT  
> Problem Child 1: i didnt have a gf at that time BUT STILL  
> Problem Child 1: KATY PERRY IS THE ONLY REASON IM BISEXUAL AND NOT HOMO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i made a mistake in the introductions in earlier chaptersss  
> since its the first week of school (september 1st), september bois are not yet 14 and minchan are 15 and 16, respectively  
> sorry for the confusion! (i fixed it in the earlier chapters btw so i hope it didnt cause too much trouble :D )
> 
> Woojin (17): Dad  
> Chan (16): Mom  
> Minho (15): Wine Aunt  
> Changbin (15): Problem Child 2  
> Hyunjin (14): Dramatic  
> Jisung (13): Problem Child 1  
> Felix (13): Favorite  
> Seungmin(13): Satan  
> Jeongin (13): Maknae

Friday, September 1st (one week of school in)

Minho put his phone away after texting the group chat goodbye, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. This happened every single time Felix didn’t go to bed before his bedtime. He walked softly to his parents room, pressing an ear against the door. The sounds of light breathing filtered through quietly, and Minho smiled. He opened the door softly, releasing a breath when it didn’t creak, and set a note on their bedside table. 

“Bye Mom. Bye Dad. Have a wonderful sleep.” He kissed both of them on the cheek, then tiptoed out the door. Outside, he was faced with a very important decision. Was he going to walk to Felix’s house in his pajamas, or take the car, be warm, and waste gas? 

Minho pulled his hoodie tighter around himself, deciding to face the cold like some kind of anime protagonist. He would brave the harsh winds, and save money for his entire family. He would sacrifice his comfort for the people he loved and held close to him. 

Minho began walking towards Felix’s house. It was a good thing they were neighbors. Minho had been to Felix’s house to help him sleep too many times to count. His mother had practically adopted him as another son, too used to him barging through the door in his pajamas, messy haired. 

Minho shivered, pouting up at the clouds. He was very, very, _very_ glad that him and Felix were neighbors. September was still technically summer, why was it so cold?

He made it to the Lee residence in five minutes flat, a new personal record. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a cat sneering at him. He growled back at it. “Stop judging me, kitty. I had to run all the way here from my house. Do you know how far that is?” He asked, kneeling down in front of the feline. 

The cat looked back at him, unamused. It flicked its tail and turned around, stalking back into the darkness. 

Minho scoffed and turned to open the door. It swung open easily, and Minho shook his head. _Stupid Lees and their skewed sense of security_. 

Minho stepped inside the house. The lights were still on, Felix’s mother sitting on the dining table, typing furiously on her laptop. She turned to Minho, giving him a thankful smile. 

“Oh Minho. You’re here again today?” He nodded, bowing to her. “Thank you for having me, Auntie Yoonji.” Yoonji flipped her short hair back behind her, turning to her laptop. “Of course, Minho.”

Minho smiled. Typical. 

He made it to Felix’s room, sighing in relief when the lights were off. Not bothering to knock, Minho pushed open the door to reveal a burrito blanket version of Felix, curled up into a small ball, earphones in his ears. Minho padded over to the bed and untangled a portion of the blanket, sliding in. Felix mumbled, sliding closer to his hyung and curling into him. Minho pulled Felix closer, tucking his head into himself. “Go to sleep, Felix.” Felix mumbled something unintelligible, something that sounded strangely like “don’t value sleep.” Minho frowned at him. “Felix, you need to value your sleep. Just because you’re in high school now doesn’t mean you suddenly aren’t going to sleep.” Felix huffed and closed his eyes. Minho rolled his eyes. 

\---

Saturday, September 2nd 3:07 am

Yoonjin opens the door quietly, smiling softly when she sees her son and Minho curled up together. She walks into the room, pressing a kiss on both of their foreheads, tucking the blankets closer around them. 

“Sleep well, boys.”

\---

**Crackhead Family (9) 8:39 am**

Dad: good morning america

Dad: how is everyone doing on this fine day?

Wine Aunt: ugh stfu hyung felix is sleepin

Dad: its nearly nine…

Dad: why are you not awake

Wine Aunt: is chan awake

Dad: no

Dad: i let him sleep

Dad: his parents are really nice

Dad: ive been talking to them for thirty minutes now

Wine Aunt: then go talk to them more and let us sleep

Wine Aunt: ugh

Wine Aunt: felixs up

Favorite Child: its too early for this

Dad: get some more sleep felix

Dad: also ur name is getting way too long for poor chia to type

_Dad changed Favorite Child’s name to Favorite (thank god)_

Dad: there

Dad: much better

Favorite: whos chia

Dad: amazing

Dad: talented

Dad: ;)

Favorite: are they your friend hyung?

Dad: oh yeah

Dad: she loves me

Mom: do i have hecking competition

Dad: uwu no ofc not

Dad: im too amazing for her

Mom: fantastic

Mom: im going back to sleep

Mom: tell mom to make pancaked

Dad: *pancakes

Dad: will do

Favorite: ?

Favorite: okay then

Dad: dont worry about her

Favorite: okay hyungie

Wine Aunt: felix im going down

Favorite: okay hyung

Wine Aunt: i think auntie yoonjis making pancaked

Favorite: OMG IM COMING WITH YOU

Favorite: MOM nEVER MAKES PANCAKES

Wine Aunt: she usually makes them when im here tho

Favorite: yeah

Favorite: thats like the whole point

Favorite: smh

Wine Aunt: do we need to get you off tik tok

Favorite: NOOOOO

Favorite: i like tik tok T_T

Mom: i want pancaked

Dad: im helping make pancakes

Dad: your mom is so nice omg

Mom: yes

Mom: she is

Mom: is rosie awake ys?

Mom: *yet

Dad: i think shes just coming down the stair rn

Dad: oh there she is

Dad: aww shes so smol

Mom: rosie is very small

Mom: tell her to bring me pancakes

Dad: come down here urself omg

Dad: and brush your teeth for heavens sake chan

Mom: ugh

Dad: ill kiss you if you do?

Mom: suddenly im wide awak

Problem Child 1: IM WIDE AWAKE

Problem Child 1: STAN KATY PERRY

Problem Child 1: SHES A QUEEN

Wine Aunt: katy perry is iconic

Problem Child 1: YES SHE IS

  
  


**Help (2) 8:49 am**

Minho: omg he likes katy perry

Changbin: he worships katy perry

Changbin: is obsessed with her

Changbin: shes the only reason he isnt gay 

Changbin: lemme guess

Changbin: you like her too?

Minho: she is an ICON

Changbin: *sigh*

Changbin: well

Changbin: minsung rise i guess

Minho: why thank you

Changbin: i will crush you if you hurt him

Minho: i would never

Minho: but noted

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 8:54 am**

Problem Child 1: WHATS UR FAVORITE KP SONG

Wine Aunt: hmm

Wine Aunt: wide awake

Wine Aunt: yours?

Problem Child 1: I KISSED A GIRL

Wine Aunt: ofc

Problem Child 1: its how i knew i was bi

Wine Aunt: ??

Problem Child: I KISSED A BOY AND I LIKED IT 

Problem Child 1: i didnt have a gf at that time BUT STILL

Problem Child 1: KATY PERRY IS THE ONLY REASON IM BISEXUAL AND NOT HOMO

  
  
  


**Help (2) 8:57 am**

Changbin: told you

Minho: oh my god

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 8:58 am**

Wine Aunt: omg okay

Wine Aunt: my gay awakening was Robert Downey Jr

Mom: IRON MAN ON THE STREETS BUT IM BETTER THAN TONY

Mom: ;)

Mom: if you get my drift

Problem Child 1: get the _drip_ karen

Dad: chan what the hell

Mom: oop

Mom: i think ill go back to my pancakes efukvdckjyoyvs

Dad: um okay

Maknae: GOOD MORNING LADIES

Maknae: HOW IS EVERYONE DOING ON THIS FINE DAY

Maknae: MY FATHER IS PLAYING MF CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP AGAIN

Maknae: i want to die

Dad: LANGUAGE innie

Dad: you are only 13!!

Dad: AND THAT REMINDS ME

Dad: THIS CHAT NEEDS TO REMAIN PG 13 RATED

Dad: ANYTHING ABOVE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN _AWAY_

Mom: ;)

Dad: chan i will pour orange juice over your head

Mom: omg im sorry 

Mom: AHHH NOW MY MOM IS GIVING ME THE LOOK

Dad: i love your mom

Dad: o(〃＾▽＾〃)o

Mom: i hate this fucking family

Dad: I WILL SMASH THIS PITCHER OVER YOUR HEAD

Mom: OH SHIT HES HOLDING IT

Dad: CHAN!

Mom: sorry sorry sorry

Maknae: CHAN HYUNG

Maknae: DID YOU GET YOUR WOOJIN KISSES

Maknae: *gasp*

Maknae: WOOKISSES

(AN: i took that from somewhere idk where tho...probably from one of you three @pri, miles, jem)

Mom: YES I GOT MY WOOKISSES

Mom: THEY WERE GREAT

Maknae: EW TMI

  
Mom: …

Mom: you were the one who ASKED

Maknae: t

Maknae: m

Maknae: i

Dad: chan eat your pancakes

Mom: sir yessir

Mom: *salutes*

Dad: flipping 3racha

Dramatic: wut

Dramatic: why r we flipping 3racha

Dramatic: I THOUGHT WE WERE FLIPPING PANCAKES

Dad: …

Dad: hyunjin go back to your pancakes

Dramatic: okay

Dramatic: i will continue

Dramatic: to work

Dramatic: without pay

Dramatic: NO ONE LOVES ME

Satan: i do bitch

Satan: wait

Satan: whats happening

Dramatic: wut

Satan: wut

Dad: oh my god

Problem Child 1: OH MY GOOOOOODDDDD

Wine Aunt: SHE TOOK ME TO THE SKYYYYY

Problem Child 2: OH MY GOOOOOOODDDDD

Mom: SHE SHOWED ME ALL THE STARSSSS

Dramatic: im lesbia for g-idle

Dramatic: g-idle are GAY

Dramatic: odigvkjdvh

Dramatic: sry yeji took my phone

Dad: yeji?

Dad: whos that

Mom: i keep forgetting you barely know these kids

Mom: hwang yeji

Mom: his twin sister

Dramatic: shes lesbian

Dramatic: if you didnt notice before

Mom: is she okay with you saying that???

Dramatic: how should i know

Dramatic: i didnt ask

Mom: omg

Dramatic: shes a bitch

Dad: PG 13

Dramatic: im 14

Dad: exactly

Dad: watch your language kid

Dramatic: sure

Dramatic: ALSO

Dramatic: @Satan

Dramatic: you love me?

Satan: wut

Satan: idk did i

Dramatic: idk did you

Satan: idk im asking you

Dramatic: oh idk then

Satan: okay then

Problem Child 1: OK BOOMER

Dad: none of us are boomers though?

Problem Child 1: you act like it 

Dad: i do NOT

Problem Child 1: yes you do

Dad: i do not kdkvuv rhn

Problem Child 1: woojin hyung?

Dad: sinrmvmisdhfeh

Dad: smvhoruvinajd

Dramatic: omg is that morse code?

Problem Child 1: no its not idiot

Problem Child 1: morse code is in like

Problem Child 1: beeps

Satan: beeps wth no

Satan: its either dots or lines dumbass

Dad: LANGAUWEKJH 

Problem Child 1: omg he managed to type half of the word out

Problem Child 1: WHAT IF HES BEEN KIDNAPPED

Problem Child 1: OMG WHAT IF ITS LIKE LAST TIME

Satan: ur not supposed to mention that!!

Satan: that was like the very first rule OMG

Problem Child 1: omg shoot yeah

Problem Child 1: how dyu delete messages using this ahcdivm

Dramatic: double click and go to options i think

Problem Child 1: okay thx

_Problem Child 1 has deleted 3 messages! Jisung is dumb!!_

Problem Child 1: HEY!!

Problem Child 1: WHY IS THE CHAT CALLING ME DUMBBBB

Satan: it only speaks the truth

Problem Child 1: >:(

Favorite: wassup im back

Favorite: just deposited minho hyung back to his house

Favorite: omg

Favorite: what if

Problem Child 1: what if what?

Favorite: shush im typing

Problem Child 1: okay okay sorry

Favorite: what if chia was the chat?

Dramatic: IT TOOK YOU FIVE MINUTES TO TYPE _THAT_

Favorite: pauses for dramatic effect

Favorite: you should be very familiar with that, agent hwang

Dramatic: vkindsvhrbbsuitdleuibssm

Dramatic: OMG MY BROUTHER IS AN AGENT???

Dramatic: woevinymswryoiyelkjhcbeuiwtgf87ertw

Dramatic: GODDAMNIT YEJI

Dramatic: also whos chia

Dad: amazing

Favorite: talented

Dad: morosis

Favorite: she loves me

Favorite: but im too good for her

Dramatic: um okay

Dramatic: great

Dad: you dont sound impressed

Dad: also why did jisung delete messages?

Problem Child 1: OMG WOOJIN HYUNG ARE YOu OKAY?

Dramatic: YEAH ARE YOU OKAY?

Dramatic: why did you keyboard smash that much!!

Dad: oh chan was just kissing me

Dramatic: ew tmi

Problem Child 1: ew gross 

Problem Child 1: woochan cooties

Maknae: yall gay

Maknae: but same

Maknae: gay rights matter

Dad: i raised you right

Maknae: no

Maknae: jin raised jungkook right

Maknae: you did no such thing

Maknae: my father raised me

Dad:

Mom:

Wine Aunt: in

Problem Child 2: 3

Dad: 2

Mom: 1

Maknae: I TAKE IT BACK MY DAD IS PLAYING EGO AGAIN

Maknae: AHAHHHHHHHH NO MORE CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP IM SORRY I TAKE IT BACK

Dad: who raised you right?

Maknae: YOU AND CHANNIE HYUNG

Maknae: AND MINHO HYUNG IS MY WINE AUNT

Maknae: T^T PLEASE TAKE ME BACK

Dad: awww innie 

Dad: ily2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> funny story: last yr at regionals, one of the kids got rlly mad at me (it was my fault tho) and poured a cup of orange juice on my head. The awards ceremony was right afterwards...i have pictures of me w/orange juice in my hair. 10/10 would not recommend. My hair smelled like oranges the day after. Stale oranges
> 
> anyways thank you for all of your lovely comments ant 300+ hits and almost 40 kudos!! i love you all~  
> thank you for reading and drop a comment below!
> 
> (i still need more kpop ships so if you have any 3rd gen favorites tell me!!! remember, sope, moonsun, and jinyoung/jaebom are taken!)


	7. It's way too early for this...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dad: what did i do to deserve this pain
> 
> Wine Aunt: breathe
> 
> Dad: …
> 
> Wine Aunt: :D

Sunday, September 3rd

**Crackhead Family (9) 6:32 am**

Wine Aunt: welp i just sent my parents off

Favorite: oh theyre gone?

Wine Aunt: yep

Wine Aunt: auntie Sana’s coming in about an hour now

Favorite: AUNTIE SANA

Favorite: I LOVE AUNTIE SANA

Favorite: !!!!!

Favorite: im coming over

Wine Aunt: why are you even awake

Favorite: i knew that parents were leaving 

Favorite: figured youd need someone to celebrate with

Wine Aunt: omg….

Wine Aunt: you are so mean HAHA

Favorite: i dont like your parents

Favorite: the only adults i like are auntie sana

Favorite: and my mom

Dad: why are yall awaka

Dad: OMG

Dad: I LOVE CHANS PARENTS

Dad: i swear you’d love them too

Satan: eiv7ynsd

Satan: i consider myself a morning person

Satan: but not to  _ this _ extent

Wine Aunt: omg the 13 yr old knows big words (AN: i lowkey feel offended by this and im the one whos writing it)

Satan: …

Satan: im in high school hyung

Satan: i know my words…

Wine Aunt: alright then seungminnie

Wine Aunt: does anyone wanna come over and play Monopoly with me and felix?

Satan: I’m really hungry, so I’m just  _ not  _ in the mood…

Dramatic: KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN 

Dramatic: QUEEN

Satan: you watch the Kardashians?

Dramatic: no i only know the memes

Dramatic: but i love them

Dramatic: icons

Satan: oh?

Satan: whos ur favorite?

Dramatic: STORMI

Dramatic: SHE IS SO CUTE

Dramatic: THOSE CHEEKS

Dramatic: I WANNA SQUISH

Dramatic: and kylie is SUCH a good mom???

Dramatic: like

Dramatic: stormi is the most polite child

Dramatic: ever?

Dramatic: and the way she says “mommy”

Dramatic: my heart goes boomboom

Problem Child 1: STAN MOMOLAND

Satan:...

Satan: ignoring that

Satan: you like kids?

Dramatic: I LOVE KIDS

Dramatic: so so sosososooso much omg

Dramatic: theyre so cute and

Dramatic: i wanna wrap them up in little itty bitty blankets

Dramatic: and feed them and pat their heads and and YCIUEKG

  
  
  


**Underworld Much? (2) 6:39 am**

Satan: innie

Satan: …

Satan: INNIE

Satan: YANG JEONGIN I HAVE A PROBLEM

Satan: …

Satan: @Baby

Satan: GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT

Baby: IT IS SIX FORTY FIVE WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT

Baby: THIS BETTER BE GOOD YOU JERK

Satan: its hyunjin

Baby: wat about him

Satan: hes cute

Baby: great

Baby: can i go back to sleep now?

  
Satan: isnt that a problem?

Baby: the guys a looker

Baby: he IS cute

Baby: anyone with eyes cans ee that

Baby: now im ging hack to sleep BYFE

Satan: oh

Satan: okay

Satan: bye

  
  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 6:43**

Dramatic: and did you SEEE stormi and kylie when they were making christmas cookies?

Dramatic: IM SO SOFT

Dramatic: now im watching stormi webster vidoes on youtube

Dramatic: 00 LINE ASSEMBLE

Problem Child 1: BITCH WTF DO YOU WANT ITS NOT EVEN FUCKING SEVEN AM ARE YOU HIGH YOU DUMB DRAMATIC LLAMA

Favorite: lmao

Favorite: hiya jisung

Problem: I SWEAR TO GO WHAT THE HELL IS IT I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP IM MF UGLY MY BEAUTIFUL CHEEKS COME FROM MY SLEEP DUMBASSES

Wine Aunt: i think ur beautiful either way :D

  
  


**Help (2) 6:45**

Changbin: “ i think ur beautiful either way :D”

Changbin: HAHA WHIPPED

Minho: literally stfy

Minho: *stfu

Minho: ur whipped for felix

Changbin: at least i can ADMIT IT YOU HOW

Changbin: *hoe

Minho: oh?

Minho: you can admit it?

Minho: THEN TELL HIM RIGHT NOW

Minho: also why tf are you up

Changbin: my felix senses were tingling

Minho:...

Minho: fucking whippes bitchassfuck

Changbin: woojin hyung: lAnGuAgE

Minho: this is why ur entertaining

Changbin: i live to serve

Changbin: and get bullies by seungmin

Minho: smh

Minho: and go “admit it”

Changbin: buy me lunch and i will

Minho: deal bitch

  
  
  


**Crackhead Family: (9) 6:50**

Problem Child 2: felix

Favorite: yes bean bitch?

Problem Child 2: iefvynsdion

Problem Child 2: WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT

Problem Child 2: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG

Favorite: minho hyung :D

Problem Child 2: omg minho hyung

  
  
  


**Help (2) 6:51**

Changbin: YOU BITCH

Minho: *bitch hyung

Minho: show some respect

Minho: bitch

Changbin: bitch

Changbin: *hyung

Changbin: why are you defaming the children

Minho: its fun

Changbin: please leave jisung innocent

Minho: jisungs innocent?

Changbin: he cusses

Changbin: but he does know how lesbian sex workds

Minho: OMG BABIE

Changbin: yes

Changbin: please dont tel him

Minho: does he know how gay zex works

Changbin: ZEX AHAHHAHA

Changbin: ALSO IDK WHY TF WOULD I KNOW THAT

Minho: idk just thought you asked him

Changbin: NO OMG

Changbin: my parents are lesbians

Changbin: and he asked them one time

Changbin: actually his parents are gay so idk

Changbin: WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS

Changbin: IM TOO YOUNG

Changbin: OMYIUVDKNHV

Minho: ???

Minho: ur 15

Changbin: THATS WAY TOO YOUNG

Changbin: wait 

Changbin: UR FIFTEEN

Minho: ;)

Minho: im almost 16

Changbin: THAT DOESNT MAKE IT ANY BETTER

Minho: im hot enough to pass for 18

Changbin: AHIUKNSDV&

  
  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 7:03**

Favorite: what 

Favorite: where did everyone go

Favorite: changbin hyung?

Favorite: what were you gonna tell me

Problem Child 1: oh that

Problem Child 1: im whipped for you

Favorite: whipped?

Favorite: what kind of whipped?

Wine Aunt: how many types of whipped can there be tho

Favorite: well

Favorite: whipped cream for starters

Favorite: the whipped for face

Favorite: the whipped for soul

Favorite: the i like you dyu like me too uwu whipped

Favorite: which one is he?

Wine Aunt: wTF

Dad: LANGUAGE

Dad: I JUST WOKE UP   
DAD: AND THIS IS WHAT I SEE???

DAD: WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO CUSS JISUNG

DAD: YOU ARE A BABY

Problem Child 1: I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP

Problem Child 1: well NOW IM AWAKE AND UGLY

Wine Aunt: i think youre beautiful either way

Problem Child 1: DFIUCNSBIUGEs

Problem Child 1: ahah thank you

Problem Child 1: :D

  
  
  


**BINSUNG RISE (2) 7:10**

Sung: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bin: you have got to be kidding me

Bin: what did i do to deserve this

Bin: let the heavens take pity on me

Bin: for i have obviously sinned

Bin: i dont know what sin i have committed, dear heaven

Bin: but please save me from this painful death

Bin: i do not deserve

Sung: stfu you dont deserve life

Bin: okay then im leaving bye

Sung: NO WAIT

Sung: MINHO HYUNG

Sung: BIUUIBIG

Sung: hes a dream come true

Sung: AHHAHDUKCHN

Sung: IM GAY

Bin: i know

Sung: LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS LESBIAN???

Bin: wth jisung you are a MALE

Bin: how are you lesbian

Sung: because me and felix are wives

Sung: and we’re lesbian

Bin: ur bi

Sung: i wanns smooch him

Sung: WHY DOES HE ALWAYS 

Sung: COMPLEMENT ME

Sung: ITS NOT GOOD FOR MY HEART HYUNG

Sung: im gong to die omg

Bin: literally chill

Bin: ur thirteen you have TIME for these things

Bin: do you like him

Sung: IDK

Bin: WTH   
  


Sung: IDK I JUS IDKKKK

Sung: IVE LITERALLY NEVER LIKED ANYONE BEFORE SO IDK

Bin: omfg

Bin: ur hopeless jisung 

Sung: IM SORRY

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 7:18**

Dad: OMG MINHO DO I NEED TO KICK YOU OUT OR SMTH????

Wine Aunt: what omg no hyung what did i do im so sorry i need this chat

Dad: wth for what

Wine Aunt: IDK FOR STUFF

Dad: suspicious

Wine Aunt: its the morning

Wine Aunt: everything is suspicious hyung

Dad: true

Favorite: MINHO HYUNG IM HERE

Wine Aunt: okay im coming

Wine Aunt: FELIX STOP YELLING THROUGH THE DOOR 

Favorite: I WANNA SEE AUNTIE SANA

Favorite: SHES THE BEST

Favorite: DONT TELL MOM

Dad: auntie sana?

Wine Aunt: my aunt

Wine Aunt: basically a wine aunt lol

Dad: smh

Dad: is this where you get your wine aunt tendencies from?

Wine Aunt: of course

Wine Aunt: Auntie Sana is THE wine aunt

Wine Aunt: all of you should meet her some time

Mom: IM UP

Mom: TF

Mom: IM UP SIBUCNK

Mom: sry rosie

Mom: stole my phone

Mom: now shes tackincg me

Dad: “tackincg” 

Dad: wonderful channie

Dad: absolutely wonderful spelling

Mom: stahp 

Mom: BULLYSIM

Dad: you are such a child omg

Mom: i am only 16 years old

Mom: i deserve to be a child

Mom: i am a child at heart

Dad: what did i do to deserve this pain

Wine Aunt: breathe

Dad: …

Wine Aunt: :D

Problem Child 1: since i am now awake

Problem Child 1: can i coparent your plants minho hyung

Wine Aunt: …

Wine Aunt: why not come over

Wine Aunt: you can meet Auntie Sana

Maknae: MINSUNG RISEEEEEEEEEEE BITCH

Dad: JEONGIN! LANGUAGE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol dw there will be more memes next time  
> also jisung finally meets minho + wine aunt sana+ many others :D


	8. Pancakes????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dad: children  
> Dad: is chan holding you hostage?
> 
> Wine Aunt: yes
> 
> Favorite: YES  
> Favorite: I WENT TO HIS HOUSE FOR PANCAKES  
> Favorite: ONE TIME  
> Favorite: and i havent been able to escape
> 
> Mom: what  
> Mom: wait what NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice Guy: chan  
> With a Lotta Money: woojin

**Just a Nice Guy WIth a Lotta Money WOO (2)**

Nice Guy: wooooooojjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

Nice Guy: hwy

Nice Guy: the heck

Nice Guy: the frickety frackity

Nice Guy: is everyone

Nice Guy: up

Nice Guy: zifubj

With a Lotta Money: well

WIth a Lotta Money : minho said smth about sending his parents off?

Nice Guy: WAIT THAT WAS TODAY???

Nice Guy: ugh im dumb

With a Lotta Money: wut

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 7:07**

Mom: MINHO

Mom: IM SO SORRY

Mom: I DIDNT SAY FRACK YOU TO UR PARENTS

Mom: WITH YOU

Wine Aunt: lol its okay

Wine Aunt: felix was with me anyways

Favorite: im better than you chan hyung

Mom: T^T

Mom: IM SO SORRY

Wine Aunt: smh

Wine Aunt: its fine hyungg

Wine Aunt: im just waiting for jisung to come over anyways

Favorite: I GET TO MEET MY TWIN

Favorite: OG MY GOD AUNTIE SANA’S MAKING PANCAKES

Favorite: bye guys

Favorite: pancakes are the best

Wine Aunt: she’s making pancakes again?

Favorite: yeah!!!

Wine Aunt: smh

Wine Aunt: get your mom

Wine Aunt: we might as well include poor Auntie Yoonji

Favorite: yes

Favorite: wait 

Wine Aunt: what?

Favorite: is auntie Sana gay?

Wine Aunt: shes lesbian ya

Wine Aunt: she constantly thirsts over IU

Wine Aunt: i didnt even know someone could thirst over IU

Wine Aunt: every single time i think of iu i think of the bunny

Favorite: wth how

Favorite: iu is like

Favorite: not thirstable

Favorite: she looks too innocent

Wine Aunt: right?

Wine Aunt: auntie sana is just interesting

Favorite: i actually think thats why you somehow manage to thirst over honey senpai 

Favorite: he literally looks five

Wine Aunt: okay but if he DIDNT

Wine Aunt: then?

Favorite: thats terrible hyung

Favorite: please stop

Favorite: just thirst over tamaki instead

Wine Aunt: i already do tho

Favorite: good

Wine Aunt: also

Wine Aunt: whyd you ask?

Favorite: because i  _ just _ found out my mother is bisexual

Favorite: she thirsts over hyuna and dawn at midnight

Wine Aunt: felix no

Favorite: i think we should set them up

Wine Aunt: fml

Dad: language minho

Wine Aunt: felix NO

Favorite: fine

Favorite: im gonna get my mom

Favorite: JISUNGIE HURRY UR ASS UP I WANNA SEE MY WIFE

Problem Child 1: my dads breaking those stupid speed limits :D

Problem Child 1: we’re nyooming

Dad: fml

Mom: its way too early for this

  
  


**Just A Nice Guy With a Lotta Money WOO (2) 7:18**

Nice Guy: minhos parents dont usually stay at home

Nice Guy: theyre kinda asshole

With a Lotta Money: ohh

With a Lotta Money: how do you know all these kida chan?

With a Lotta Money: you know them better than they know themselves

With a Lotta Money: *kids

Nice Guy: ive just

Nice Guy: picked them over the years

Nice Guy: its kinda a long story

With a Lotta Money: i have time

With a LOtta Money: shoot

Nice Guy: lol that reminds me of the time seungminnie danced to shoot me 

Nice Guy: he was so cute

With a Lotta Money: you care for them so much

Nice Guy: in a way

Nice Guy: i feel responsible for them

Nice Guy:

Nice Guy: HE LOOKS SO EXCITED

With a Lotta Money: 

With a Lotta Money: that kid

With a Lotta Money: will go places

With a Lotta Money: i can feel it

Nice Guy: in your old boomer bones

Nice Guy: *sigh*

Nice Guy: im dating someone old

Nice Guy: older than time itself

With a Lotta Money:

With a Lotta Money: dont try me bitch

With a Lotta Money: i will fucking kill you

With a Lotta Money: i will take my love and appreciation 

With a Lotta Money: and give them to seungmin

With a Lotta Money: and felix

Nice Guy: okok

Nice Guy: im sryyyy

Nice Guy: anyways

Nice Guy: i just happened to pick them all up?

Nice Guy: somehow

Nice Guy: they were like

Nice Guy: stray kids

Nice Guy: on the street

Nice Guy: and i picked them up

With a Lotta Money: wait channie

With a Lotta Money: you didnt bribe them right?

Nice Guy: huh

Nice Guy: ofc not

Nice Guy: WAIT I DONT ACTUALLY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY

With a Lotta Money: OMG DID YOU BRIBE THEM WITH MONEY CHAN??

Nice Guy: no no

Nice Guy: they’re there out of FREE WIL

With a Lotta Money: omg

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 7:30**

Dad: children

Dad: is chan holding you hostage?

Wine Aunt: yes

Favorite: YES

Favorite: I WENT TO HIS HOUSE FOR PANCAKES

Favorite: ONE TIME

Favorite: and i havent been able to escape

Mom: what

Mom: wait what NO

Problem Child 1: wth

Problem Child 1: thats exactly what happened to me too

Problem Child 1: i just wanted some pancakes cause my dads can cook

Problem Child 1: and i ended up staying

Problem Child 1: forever

Mom: what

Wine Aunt: yeah

Wine Aunt: i ate a pancake

Wine Aunt: and i just

Wine Aunt: never left

Wine Aunt: he was

Wine Aunt: ...everywhere

Wine Aunt: idk how it happened

Wine Aunt: he was just everywhere and anywhere

Wine Aunt: it was scary

Drama Llama: why are yall awake

Drama Llama: oh are we telling stories?

Drama Llama: well

Drama Llama: i met everyone through chan!

Drama Llama: i ate a pancake at chans house!

Drama Llama: and everyone just randomly popped up after that!

Dad: …

Dad: chan

Mom: NO I SWEAR IT WASNT LIKE THAT

Dad: mhm

Mom: NO REALLY

Mom: MY MOM MADE THOSE PANCAKEs

Satan: oh are we talking about auntie yuta’s pancakes?

Satan: theyre the only reason im here actually

Mom: WHAT

Satan: what

Satan: did you really think i stayed for the personality?

Satan: no

Satan: i did it for the free food

Dad: see?

Dad: seungmin is the only one i can trust in this household

Satan: uwu

Mom: omg

Mom: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

Maknae: i want pancakessssss

Maknae: auntie yuta makes the best pancakes

Maknae: channnn

Maknae: me and dad

Maknae: are coming ot get aunty yutas pancakes

Mom: what

Maknae: tbh the only reason im friends with channie hyung

Maknae: pancakes

Maknae: uwu

Dad: CHAN!

Mom: T_T

Mom: betrayal

Maknae: pancakes hyungieeeee

Mom: fine

Mom: im telling her

Mom: omg shes already started

Mom: dad says that he needs ur dad to bring the...tomatoes?

Maknae: oh yes please take them

Maknae: we’ve had way too many tomatoes

Mom: omg okay

Mom: tell uncle hoseok thank you!!

Maknae: i will

  
  


**Just a Nice Guy With a Lotta Money WOO (2) 7:46**

With a Lotta Money: ….

With a Lotta Money: channie

Nice Guy: I DIDNT KNOWWWW

With a Lotta Money: *squints*

Nice Guy: :(

Nice Guy: please accept me woojinnie

Nice Guy: my mom made those pancakes

With a Lotta Money: oh my goodness channie

With a Lotta Money: ive eaten those pancakes

With a Lotta Money: i guess im never leaving

Nice Guy: :(((

With a Lotta Money: are you actually sad channie?

Nice Guy: YES

Nice Guy: ur not nice to me woojinnie :(

With a Lotta Money: im not the one whos supposed to be nice

With a Lotta Money: ur the nice one channie

Nice Guy: D;

With a Lotta Money: aww

With a Lotta Money:

With a Lotta Money: im sorry channie

With a Lotta money: let me make it up to you?

Nice Guy: hmm

Nice Guy: how?

With a Lotta Money: kisses :D

Nice Guy: omgujkmsyi

With a Lotta Money: 

Nice Guy: uwuwuwuwu

Nice Guy: why is that felix @ minho

With a Lotta Money: oh my 

With a Lotta Money: it really is

With a Lotta Money: our children are so cute

Nice Guy: uwu

Nice Guy: ur cuter tho

With a Lotta Money: prove it

Nice Guy: bet

Nice Guy: 

NIce Guy: ur just a smol teddy bear

With a Lotta Money: omg

With a Lotta Money: who gave you that????

Nice Guy: tae hyung!!

With a Lotta Money: what the 

With a Lotta Money: how do you  _ know  _ him

Nice Guy: oh we used to date

Nice Guy: we dont talk anymore but

Nice Guy: i still have the pictures that he used to send me

With a Lotta Money: …

With a Lotta Money: chan

With a Lotta Money: it was you?

Nice Guy: me?

Nice Guy: what was me?

Nice Guy: wait

Nice Guy: oh

Nice Guy: oh shit

With a Lotta Money: …

Nice Guy: im so sorry

With a Lotta Money: this time, channie

With a Lotta Money: sorry just wont cut it 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna do the minsung chapter but today has been shit and i mean...woochan. Just woochan. I got a bit carried away with it and now i have another arc of something not even stray kids...but oh well?  
> hope you enjoyed!! next chapter will be most likely minsung, sorry for the weird chapter flow thing. After the minsung chapter things should flow better!!
> 
> Please drop a comment below, they make my day and I love talking to yall!! :D  
> thanks for reading everyone and I hope you guys have a wonderful day/night!!


	9. rip Brian and Jae they deserved better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoonji nodded. “Yes, yes you did. Now, let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Why were we not invited to your wedding?”  
> They both whimpered. “Well-you see-” Yoonjin stood up, hands on her hips. It didn’t make much of a difference. “We practically raised you both, we are the ones who got you two together and you don’t invite us to the wedding?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning, I forgot like...everything that happened in thi slmao and I didn't bother to go back and read so if there are any mistakes in the chapter, comment down below and I'll fix them!  
> again, this is obviously unedited but i hope you'll enjoy nevertheless!!  
> <3

Jisung squealed into his duvet, rolling around his bed. He was going to Minho’s house, he was going to Minho’s house, he was going to Minho’s house! He squealed again and rolled around some more, falling off the bed with a thud. Jisung groaned, massaging his head in pain. He lay splayed on the floor, resembling something akin to a starfish. The only difference being that if one of his dads somehow managed to tear off his arm, he wouldn’t be able to grow it back again. It was the little things. 

Jisung smiled giddily at his ceiling. There’s a beach painted on it, and while that may seem..distracting or unusual, Jisung’s taken comfort in his ceiling at night, watching the waves move and crash against the reddish shore. 

The walls in this house aren’t thick, so Jisung can hear his dads grumbling and moving about in their bed.

“Dad!” He screamed, lifting his hand up and dropping it back down on the covers. Jisung can hear his dad groaning and getting out of bed. A few minutes later, Jae is in his son’s doorway, glasses hanging precariously at the tip of his nose, hair all messed up. 

“Jisung...what is it?” Jae asked, looking down at his son. Jisung grinned, sitting up quickly, blanket bunched around his waist. “I need you to help me get dressed.” Jisung said. 

Jae stared at Jisung. Jisung stared back. 

Jae closed his eyes, sighed, and rubbed his temples. He stayed like that for a while, replaying Jisung’s words in his head. 

Eventually Jae opened his eyes again and looked at his son again, who was staring at him with shining eyes. “You..need help getting dressed?” Jae asked. Jisung nodded enthusiastically, taking his phone and throwing it at his dad’s face. Jae yelped and fumbled around with the phone before managing to catch it. He squinted at the small screen, pressing his glasses closer to his face. 

Realization began to dawn as he red the messages, a smirk working its way onto Jae’s face. He threw the phone back at Jisung, who caught it. “Get off the floor, Jisungie and put your blanket back on your bed.” Jae ordered, moving to the closet. They could hear a groan from the other room, Brian moving around the bed. There was a thump, followed by a draw out groan. Brian appeared in the doorway, glaring at the scene in front of him. 

Jisung was sitting on the bed, grinning widely as Jae huffed and flicked through Jisung’s closet. Brian moved to wrap his arms around his husband, ignoring Jisung’s fake gags at the display of affection. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, nuzzling the side of Jae’s neck. “Jisung, you never get up this early on weekends, is something wrong?”Jae patted his head and flicked through more of Jisung’s clothes. He threw a pair of jeans, shirt, and a denim jacket on the bed. “Jisungie has a date~” Jae said, turning around to face his husband and his son. 

Brian’s eyes widened. “Date? He’s  _ thirteen _ , Jae he can’t date!” Jisung spluttered. “Papa it’s not a date! I’m just going to Minho hyung’s house to meet him and Felix!” Brian frowned. “Felix? Felix Lee?” Jisung nodded. “We’re twins!” 

Jae blinked. “Twins? You both are related?” Jisung shook his head. “No, but I’m only a day older than him!” Brain gasped. “Oh my god I think I know him! Jisung, is he Yoonji’s kid?” Jisung shrugged. “I think so. Do you want me to check?” Jae nodded. “He sounds like Yoonji’s kid.” 

  
  


_ Han Jisung created a chat with Lee Felix! _

_ Han Jisung renamed the chat  _ **_Lesbians!_ **

_ Han Jisung renamed his name to _ **_Wife_ **

_ Han Jisung renamed Felix’s name to  _ **_Wifey_ **

**Lesbians! (2) 7:45**

Wife: felix!!

Wife: i have a questionnnn

Wifey: jisungieee!

Wifey: shoot

Wife: is your moms name yoonji?

Wifey: yep!

Wifey: youll meet her today

Wifey: you’re still coming over right.   
  


Wife: yeo

Wife: im getting ready

Wife: my dads just wanted to know if you were yoonjis kid or smth

Wifey: hm

Wifey: idk if my mom knows them

Wifey: who are ur dads?

Jisung looked up at his dads, who were staring at him expectantly. “He says that his mom is Ms.Yoonji. And he wants to know who you both are.” “I knew it!” Brian exclaimed, extraordinarily of himself. 

“Does the kid have freckles?” Jisung frowned, nodding. “How do you know this, Papa?” Brian shook his head, waving him off. “Forget about us. Tell him it’s Brian and Jae.” Jisung looked suspicious but did it anyway, typing the answer into his phone. 

Wife: um

Wife: brian and jae?

Wife: they said that she might know them that way??

Wife: idk my dads are weird

Wifey: tell me about it

Wifey: but okayy ill ask her rn

Felix put down his phone, placing it on the counter at which he was sitting. “Mom!” He yelled, catching her attention from where she was on the table in front of him. Yoonjin turned around, sighing. “What happened, Felix?” 

“Do you know any Brian and Jae’s?” He asked, swinging his feet from the counter. Minho sat down next to him, poking his head to look at Felix’s phone. His eyes lit up when he saw who Felix was talking to. 

Yoonji’s eyes widened and she burst out laughing. Even Sana was looking at her in worry. “Yoonji? What happened, why are you laughing?” Sana frantically asked. No one had ever seen Yoonji display this amount of positive emotion, except when she was squealing over SUGA and that didn’t really  _ count _ . 

Yoonji’s laughter subsided into faint giggles. “Sana, Brian and Jae! The ones who had that band with Wonpil, Dowoon, and Sungjin.” Understanding dawned in her eyes, and she burst out laughing, high pitched giggles flooding the room. 

“Wait- wait, those two have a  _ kid _ now?” Yoonji asked. Felix nodded, looking down at his phone. “What should I tell them?” Yoonji was still laughing, but she managed to say, “Invite them over with your friend. Oh this is  _ amazing _ .” 

Felix exchanged confused looks with Minho who shrugged. 

**Lesbians! (2) 7:51**

Wife: felix?

Wifey: sry sung my mom and minho hyungs aunt started laughing

Wife: …

Wife: wut

Wifey: idk why

Wifey: smth abt a band?

Wifey: but she knows them

Wifey: oh and she said to invite them too

Wifey: so bring your dads ig?

Wifey: we have pancaked

Wife: why do our parents know each other

Wife: is this like

Wife: a secret organization

Wifey: tbh idk

Wifey: parents are weird

Jisung looked up at his da+ds, who was looking at him expectantly. “She says that she knows you, along with Minho’s Aunt Sana. And they said to invite you over with me.” Brian and Jae paled. “Wait...Sana’s there too?” Jisung nodded. Jae looked at Brian. “We should probably get dressed.” Brian nodded, pulling his husband out the door. “Get dressed Jisungie. And brush your teeth. And comb your hair!” 

Jisung yelled an “okay!” back, turning back to his phone. He got dressed quickly, and brushed both his teeth and his hair. 

He made it to the kitchen, sitting on the couch and texting memes to Felix. Woojin and Chan weren’t on the group chat, which was weird since they were usually flirting shamelessly there, flexing their “taken” status to all the other, sadly single people in the group chat. 

Brian and Jae came out too, fiddling with their jackets. “Come on Jisung, lets go. Sana made pancaked, didn’t she?” Jisung nodded. “How come you both know so much about Auntie Yoonjin and Auntie Sana?” Jae let out a long suffering sigh, looking at Jisung painfully. “Jisung, you don’t want to know the horrors we went through in high school. 

Officially weirded out, Jisung just nodded and slid into the backseat of their car. The drive was short, and they were already pulling into the driveway of the house.

Jisung bounded up to the front door, knocking excitedly. The door opened to a pleased Minho, who grinned at Jisung. “Hi Jisungie!” Minho said, opening the door wider. Jisung bowed. “Thank you for having us.” Minho grinned at him, admiring how cute the younger looked with his chubby cheeks (read: jeekies). Brian and Jae came up behind them, bowing low in thanks. Minho bowed back respectfully. “Hello, Brian-ssi, and Jae-ssi. It’s a pleasure to have you.” They shook their hands, flustered. “Call us Uncle Brian and Jae, there’s no need to be formal.” 

Minho smiled politely at them, closing the door behind the two. Jisung was already hugging his twin, the two giggling together. Minho rushed over to join them, ruffling their hair. 

Yoonji and Sana were looking at Brian and Jae, identical shit eating grins on their face. They pointed to the seats in front of them. “Sit.”

Brian and Jae exchanged terrified looks. “I  _ told _ you that we shouldn’t have come, you idiot.” Brian whispered, eyeing the two women on the sofa. Jae smacked him on the arm. “Shut up! We’re all adults now, there’s no reason to be afraid of anything.” 

The two men sat down gingerly, looking around. “This is a..nice place you have, Sana.” Sana giggled. “This is Momo and Heechullie’s house, but I stay here to take care of MInho since they’re away all the time. In fact, you  _ missed _ their departure just this morning.” Brian chuckled awkwardly. “Oh, did we?” 

Yoonji nodded. “Yes, yes you did. Now, let’s cut to the chase, shall we?  _ Why were we not invited to your wedding _ ?” 

They both whimpered. “Well-you see-” Yoonjin stood up, hands on her hips. It didn’t make much of a difference. “We practically  _ raised _ you both, we are the ones who got you two together and you don’t invite us to the wedding?”

Brian whimpered, elbowing Jae in the side. “Do something, Jae!” “What the hell am I supposed to do, do I look like I know what to do?” Jae hissed. Yoonji walked forward, glaring at them through her thick glasses. “When did you adopt Jisung?” “When he was three.” Sana breathed in slowly. “AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US?” They shrunk in on themselves, pouting at each other. “We didn’t really know how to reach you and stuff.” “Bullshit.” Yoonji said, huffing. “We’ll forgive you on one condition.” 

They perked up. “What condition?” Sana’s gaze softened, and she stood up to sit next to Brian. “Take good care of Jisung, okay? He’s a good kid.” Jae smiled, looking over at his son, who was giggling on the counter, being fed a bit of pancake by Minho. “He really is.” 

Sana snorted, punching him on the arm. “Stop being so sappy, and tell us stories you two. You both need to get the band back together.” Brain laughed sadly. “Do we even know where Junhyeok is?”

Yoonji shook her head sadly. “We don’t. I think he moved to America with his fiance.” She winked. “But we  _ do _ know where Sungjin, Dowoon, and Wonpillie are.” Jae snorted. “That dumbass Wonpil.” Sana rolled her eyes. “Why are you do mean to her, Jae? I thought you got over that crush a long time ago.” Jae blushed, face turning a fiery red. “I didn’t have a crush on her!” Brain snorted, patting Jae on the back. “Babe, you had a crush on her. Luckily for you, she never noticed.”

Jae grumbled something unintelligible under his breath. “Does she still have that ugly pink sweater of hers?” Sana grinned. “She sure does. Apparently she wears it whenever Seungmin invites someone over to the house. Dowoon tried to stop her a long time ago but she never listened.”

Jae shook his head sadly. “I pity Dowoon so much, so, so much.” He nodded. “But then again, I don’t because he’s the one who married that bitch.” Yoonjin gasped and smacked him on the back of his head. “Don’t call Wonpillie a bitch, she did nothing to you!”

Jae rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Yoonji. Are you still single?” Yoonji shook her head proudly. “I’m dating someone. We’ve been on three dates so far, but I think it’s going well.” She said, smiling widely. Sana squealed and hugged her tight. 

Brian grinned. “Good for you, Yoonji. Does Felix know?” Yoonji’s face fell. “No, he doesn’t, I don’t know how to tell him.” 

Jae frowned. “You need to tell him soon, Yoonji. Just bring them over for dinner or something. Do they have any kids?” Yoonji nodded. “He has a son, who’s in the same grade as Felix but a year younger. Kid skipped kindergarten.”

Sana leaned her head on Yoonji’s shoulder. “Bring him over for the next date, Yoonji. And bring the kid. Felix deserves to know.” 

Yoonji hummed, looking over to her son, who was balancing three eggs on the top of his head while Jisung took pictures. Minho was laughing at them both, bent over in half as he looked at them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> insert is backkkkk i missed writing this and im still procrastinating on faz but ITS OKAY  
> anywayss its short but its okay!! next time will probably me just making kitchen puns for 1k...don't expect much. :D love you all  
> (also this hit exactly 100 pages on google docs idk how that happened its been like two weeks BUT WHATEVER)
> 
> SSP:  
> -read my other fics!  
> -you're my wave (crash your lips against mine) completed!! (lowkey proud of it read if you want soft seungsung uwu)  
> \- From A to Z (procrastinating, almost finished but its not that bad lmao)  
> -sunlight (not finished, maybe never finished we'll see but fairy minho...)  
> \- you're the A to my T, darling we complement each other perfectly ;) (minchan, science olympiad au, just started!!)
> 
> i love you all, drop a comment down below they make my day and ill always reply!!
> 
> stay safe everyone <3


	10. In Which Two Kittens and a Squirrel Meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung ends up taking pictures of Felix, who’s somehow balancing three eggs (raw ones, mind you) on the top of his head. No one knows how they got there, or why Felix is balancing, or how Jisung’s phone magically appeared in his hand, but they decide to roll with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D   
> enjoy everyoneeeee as i procrastinate on my work once more!! funtastic

The first sentence Felix says to Jisung is “I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily it was a  _ soft drink _ .” Minho smirks, raising his hand. “I was the one who threw the soda at him. I take full responsibility.” 

Already Jisung’s laughing, feeling at complete ease with these people. He doesn’t know Felix very well, even though they’re in the same grade. Jisung’s old friends went to a different high school, and they all naturally lost touch after middle for reasons unknown. Jisung’s glad to have friends his age, because he knows he can’t survive off of Changbin’s cuddles forever. 

Jisung winks, shooting finger guns at Felix, who does the same back. Minho snorts and rolls his eyes fondly at them. Jisung can see the amount of adoration Minho has for the other, similar to what he and Changbin have. 

Felix pulls him into a hug, giggling into Jisung’s ear. Jisung hugs him back, staring up at Minho as he wraps his arms around Felix’s shoulders. Minho rolls his eyes and joins them, wrapping his arms around the two younger teens. 

Felix pulls away, staring at Jisung. “Jisung! You look great, oh my gosh.” Jisung laughs. “My dad thought it would look good, I guess it does?” Felix nodded. “Yes, yes, you look great. Now! Pancakes! You need to eat Auntie Sana’s pancakes, they're the best ever.” Minho nods. “Aunt Sana’s pancakes are one of the best. They aren’t as good at Aunt Yuta’s pancakes, but they come very close.”

“What did you say about my pancakes, you brat?” Sana yelled. Minho flashed her a grin. “Only that Aunt Yuta  _ wishes _ she could make pancakes as good as yours.” Sana rolled her eyes, but let it go. Minho leaned down slightly to whisper conspiratorially, “Aunt Sana and Aunt Yuta have a bit of a rivalry going on between them. They’ve been fighting over who makes the best pancakes for ages, now, but no one has decided a winner in fear of an apocalypse.”

They sit down at the table, Minho placing a plate full of pancakes in front of Jisung. Jisung tries to resist because  _ oh my god  _ there were a  _ lot _ of pancakes on that plate, but Minho ignores him and slaps his hand away. “Eat it all Jisungie, we have a lot.” JIsung sighs but thanks him, eyes widening as he takes a small bite. He’s only ever tasted this level of flavor once. ….When Chan’s mom made him pancakes. Poor Sana. Felix snickers. “Mom gave up on those two a long time ago. Now she’s just there for the tea.”

Minho makes a face. “Ew, Felix stop talking like an emotionally constipated gay teenager. It doesn’t suit you.”

Felix huffs, flicking some of his own pancake at the older. “Hyung, I  _ am _ an emotionally constipated gay teenager.” Jisung hasn’t seen or heard anyone just...say it like that. He isn’t surprised, of course, since their entire “group” is queer, and Felix’s mother is sitting with two gay guys and possibly a lesbian, but it’s surprising to him, especially since he knows the pain of being queer both second hand and first hand. It’s not fun. 

As they finish up their breakfast, Jisung realizes why he was so excited to be here in the first place. 

“Hyung!” He exclaims, “Can I see your cats now?” Minho blinks down at him, looking at Felix who has a shit eating grin on his face. Minho flicks Felix on the forehead before turning back to Jisung. “Sure, Jisungie let me just wash these plates first.” 

“Do you need any help?” He asks, choosing to ignore Felix who is draped over a chair bonelessly, whining. Minho shakes his head. “I’m almost done, Jisung, it’s fine. Thank you for offering thought.” Jisung grins at him, rocking back and forth on his heels as he waits. The Lee household is moderately sized, as is in this part of the city. 

Soon enough Minho has finished doing the dishes and leads Jisung into a hallway, presumably where his three cats are. Felix bounces after them, seemingly recovered from Minho’s absolutely _devastating_ attack. Sarcasm to the max. M A X. 

They enter a room, Minho’s room, from the looks of it. It’s a light purple slash lavender color, and pictures of BTS and cats are on the walls. There are three cats sleeping on the cat bed at the foot of Minho’s own, cuddled up together. Minho smiles gently. “I don’t know why they aren’t awake yet, but this is Soonie, Doongi and Dori.”

Jisung gasps lightly, moving forward a little in order to see them better. “They’re beautiful.” He says. Minho nods, petting one of them on the head carefully. “This one is Soonie, I’ve had her the longest. This one is Doongie, and this one is my baby, Dori.” His voice sounds so tender and warm when talking about his cats. Jisung wonders if thats how he talks about his Nutella. 

Ah yes. Nutella. 

Minho apologizes for the lack of Cute Cat Behavior (CCB) and leads them outside his room. Jisung waves him off, saying that it’s fine, not his fault his cats are sleeping. (And they were adorably precious when sleeping, so maybe he didn’t get any behavior, but he did get Cute Cats.)

They’re in the kitchen again, and Jisung asks possibly the most important question of his life. “Minho hyung.” He starts, deathly serious as he looks straight into Minho’s eyes. Jisung is standing on his tippy toes and trying very, very hard not to fall down or tumble into Minho’s chest. It’s hard. 

Felix is recording the entire procedure whilst giggling to himself. 

“Yes, Jisung?” Minho asks. He looks worried, understandably so. What Jisung’s going to say next isn’t for the faint of heart. 

“Do you have Nutella?”

…

…

…

Jisung tumbles forward into Minho’s chest, shrieking as he does so. None of the adults bat an eyelash. His dads are used to it. 

“Oof.” Jisung breathes out. Minho’s chest is  _ hard _ . Not a very good place to fall against. “Well, hyung? Do you have Nutella?” Minho sighs. “Is that really the question you wanted to ask me, Jisung?” Jisung nods. “It’s an important question, hyung, I don’t know why you don’t realize so.” 

Minho rubs his temples looking about thirty years older than he is and in the middle of a midlife crisis. Mid youth crisis maybe? “Yes, Jisung we have Nutella. Would you like some?” Jisung shakes his head firmly. “No hyung, but you’ve passed the vibe check. Congratulations.” He says, deathly serious. Nutella is something to be taken very seriously. Very, very seriously. Do not mess with Han Jisung and his Nutella. (I think my obsession with Nutella is showing my fics just a teeny tiny bit. Whoops)

\---

Jisung ends up taking pictures of Felix, who’s somehow balancing three eggs (raw ones, mind you) on the top of his head. No one knows how they got there, or why Felix is balancing, or how Jisung’s phone magically appeared in his hand, but they decide to roll with it. 

This is prime blackmail material. As is the scene of Minho bent over in half, laughing. Jisung nods to himself. Yes, this outing was a  _ success _ . 

  
  


_ Han Jisung has created a chat with Lee Minho! (if they already have one rip chia) _

_ Han Jisung has renamed the chat FurryParents _

_ Han Jisung has renamed himself to Squirrel _

_ Han Jisung has renamed Lee Minho to Cat Hyungie _

**Furry Parents (2) 9:04am**

Squirrel: hyung!

Squirrel: i had a great time today!!

Squirrel: thank you for inviting me over :D

Cat Hyungie: anytime jisungie!

Cat Hyungie: my doors are always welcome

Squirrel: !!!

Squirrel: thanks a lot hyung

Squirrel: i appreciate it

Cat Hyungie: ofc jisung

Cat Hyungie: ur great to be around

Squirrel:!!

Squirrel: omg rlly?

Cat Hyungie: ofc

Cat Hyungie: why are you surprised??

Squirrel: *shrugs*

Squirrel: no ones told me that before

Squirrel: it was nice :D

Cat Hyungie: smh

Cat Hyungie: ppl are stupid

Cat Hyungie: but ill tell you that as long as i need for you to believe it

Squirrel: ahhhh

Squirrel: hhh okayy

  
  


**Help (2) 9:07 no you idiot he’s flustered**

Minho: changbin

Changbin: what

Minho: what does this mean

_ Minho has sent a screenshot! _

Changbin: smh 

Changbin: hes flirting

Minho: oh okay

Changbin: hyung

Minho: yes?

Changbin: are you planning to date him if he likes you back

Minho: …

Minho: it depends

Changbin: on what?

Minho: on when he likes if (if he does)

Minho: im not dating him before he’s fifteen

Changbin:...

Changbin: take care of him well hyung

Minho: ofc

Minho: what abt you changbin?

Changbin: what abt me?

Minho: dont play dumb we both know who im talking abt

Changbin: ugh fine

Changbin: but same

Changbin: fifteen at least

Changbin: i think he knows that too

Minho: yes he does

Minho: take care of him changbin

Minho: if you dont i will dunk you in syrup and throw you to the ants

Changbin:...

Changbin: noted

Minho: :)

  
  


**Furry Parents (2) 9:10**

Squirrel: hyung?

Cat Hyungie: im back jisungie

Cat Hyungie: sorry i just had to do smth

Squirrel: o…

Squirrel: are you busy?

Cat Hyungie: nope!

Cat Hyungie: why?

Squirrel: i just wanted t o make sure that i wasnt using up your time haha

Cat Hyungie: awww

Cat Hyungie: dont ever worry about that sungie

Cat Hyungie: ill tell you if im busy, kay?

Squirrel: hhhhh

Squirrel: okayy

Cat Hyungie: cute

Squirrel: hyung!!

Cat Hyungie: im not wrong, darling

Squirrel: hmph

Squirrel: >///<

Cat Hyungie: awww are you flustered?

Squirrel: YES 

Cat Hyungie: mwah

Squirrel: omg hyungggg

Cat Hyungie: are you blushingggggg sungie

Squirrel: i hope felix eats all of your nutella

Cat Hyungie: oh i see that you are

Cat Hyungie: cute ;)

  
  
  


**Just a Nice Guy With a Lotta Money WOO (2) 10:32**

Nice Guy: i should probably start explaining?

With a Lotta Money: if its something that needs explaining, chan, then yes you should start before I do something i regret

Nice Guy: okay so first i would like to say that i regret everything I did in the past

Nice Guy: and before you say anything, i know that apologizing isn’t going to do anything, but i sincerely do regret my actions. Do you believe me?

With a Lotta Money: …

With a Lotta Money: yes i do 

With a Lotta Money: only because i know you have changed 

Nice Guy: thank you

Nice Guy: are you okay with having this conversation via text?

Nice Guy: would you like to do it in person?

With a Lotta Money: no otherwise i will punch you and i don’t want to

Nice Guy: i wouldnt mind if you did

With a Lotta Money: did i say that YOU would mind?

With a Lotta Money: no i said that I don’t want to 

With a Lotta Money: now continue

NIce Guy: okay

Nice Guy: and i would also like to say that whatever has happened is over now and i don’t plan on doing anything like that every again

Nice Guy: i have made amends with Taehyung hyung and he forgives me

Nice Guy: i am not expecting for you too

With a Lotta Money: good

Nice Guy: and 

Nice Guy: and i understand if you want to break up with me after this

Nice Guy: in understand completely

With a Lotta Money: wonderful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello i am back once again i didnt even leave but its okayyyy   
> i finally got over my fear of writing this fic and the woochan angst!! yay! shits easier to write chatfic version WHO KNEW   
> anyways, if you have any plot ideas cause i havent planned out this fic and i am lowkey scared lol then tell me please plot ideas are amazing and i will credit you if i use them   
> anyways, next time we have some more woochan angst!! chan's an idiot but he's changed for the better now, so lets keep that in mind as we bash him for being a dumbass, shall we?
> 
> drop a comment down below, i will always reply! stay safe everyone, have a wonderful day/night/whatever the heck  
> ~chia~
> 
> SSP:  
> -read my other fics!  
> \- From A to Z (updated today!)  
> \- you're my wave(crash your lips against mine) completeddd  
> -sunlight (supernaturals and fluff! not completed nor updated rip)


	11. Hello, did you order...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One Woochan angst? Yes I did!
> 
> With a Lotta Money: are you breaking up with me?
> 
> Nice Guy: what???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello hello everyone, how is everyone doing today? i died. I DIED so here you go the woochan angst we've all been waiting for!!
> 
> WARNINGS: this will include mentions of drug, alcohol, and violence, as well as some non-con (not smut but its still there) I will be including a summary of the chapter in the bottom notes, so you can read the fluffy bits at the end only if you wish and the summary so you know what happens. Stay safe, everyone. <3
> 
> have fun~

**Just a Nice Guy With a Lotta Money WOO (2) 10:54**

Nice Guy: so

Nice Guy: okay ill just start from the beginning 

Nice Guy: me and Tae met in the library

Nice Guy: he sat down next to me and told me that I was cute

Nice Guy: and ofc, it’s Kim Taehyung, he’s gorgeous

Nice Guy: it runs in the family i see

With a Lotta Money: compliments will get you no where

Nice Guy: right 

Nice Guy: sorry

Nice Guy: so thats where we hit it off

Nice Guy: he asked me for my number and I gave it to him, we started talking even more. Within the week I knew that I liked him. 

Nice Guy: we went on our first date that Saturday, to the cafe nearby

Nice Guy: it went spectacularly well there too and we went out on another date the next Saturday as well

With a Lotta Money: wait

With a Lotta Money:  _ you’re _ the guy he went to the coffeeshop with?

Nice Guy: yes?

Nice Guy: did he not like it…?

With a Lotta Money: no no

With a Lotta Money: he loved it

Nice Guy: oh 

Nice Guy: oh thats good 

Nice Guy: um im just gonna continue

Nice Guy: fuck wait Rosie needs help on a math problem is it okay if I go help for it?

NIce Guy: and sorry for the language I know you don’t like it

With a Lotta Money: its fine

With a Lotta Money: go help her with it

Nice Guy: thank you so much

  
  


Woojin sighed, running a hand through his hair. He didn’t know what to think. His boyfriend was his brother’s ex-boyfriend, and also the man who hurt Tae and broke his heart so, so badly. Honestly, Woojin’s honestly surprised he didn’t realize it before. ‘Chrissy’ could only be Christopher Bang..or Bang Chan. 

Woojin lifted himself off the bed, phone in hand and walked down the stairs. Jin was doing her daily kitchen clean, wiping down all the counters and cabinets, rearranging all of her tea cups. 

“Oh hi darling.” Jin said, smiling at her son. “Would you like something?” Woojin shook his head no, tapping the counter. 

Jin frowned, putting down the cloth and sitting down in front of her son. “Woojinnie, what’s wrong, darling?” Woojin shrugged, unwilling to look at his mother. He didn’t  _ want _ to bring it up, but then again he would be wondering if the rest of his family knew who Tae’s mysterious boyfriend was. 

He knew that if he looked at her, then he would inevitably end up telling her  _ everything _ . Such is the life of the son of one of the most influential people in the world. (Or so he believes). Jin tutted, lifting her son’s chin up so she can look him in the eye. “What’s wrong, Woojinnie?” Woojin pouts. Damnit. 

“Mom, did you know who Tae’s boyfriend was?” Jin’s eyes flashed for a second, and she frowned, moving back from her son a touch. “Jungkook?” Woojin shook his head. “No, the one before Jungkook.” Jin pursed her lips, leaning away from her son a bit. She frowned. “Why do you want to know, Woojin?”

Woojin bit his lip nervously. “Promise you won’t tell him, Mom?” Jin sighed. “Yes, darling I won’t tell him. Now what’s wrong?” Woojin looked down playing with his hands nervously. “I think that Tae’s ex might be my boyfriend.” He whispered. 

Jin smiled softly. “Bang Chan?” She asked. Woojin nodded, not questioning the fact that his mother knew who his boyfriend was, or that she knew who Tae’s boyfriend was, all without telling her anything. Jin patted his clasped hands softly. “He’s a better person now, Woojin. Be kind to him.” Woojin frowned and opened his mouth to retort but his phone chimed. Chan’s text. 

He sent his mom one last look and ran up to his room. 

**Just a Nice Guy With a Lotta Money WOO (2) 11: 15**

Nice Guy: hey sorry im back

Nice Guy: apparently it was more than one question

With a Lotta Money: no its fine

With a Lotta Money: i was talking with my mom anyways

Nice Guy: ah okay

Nice Guy: um anyways i should continue?

With a Lotta Money: yes

  
Nice Guy: so after those two dates i asked him to be my bf

Nice Guy: and he said yes

Nice Guy: we dated peacefully for about a month, give or take

With a Lotta Money: wait

Nice Guy: yeah?

With a Lotta Money: were you the one who gave him that ring?

With a Lotta Money: the one that says it’s all good now>

Nice Guy: oh yeah 

Nice Guy: i did

Nice Guy: he still has it?

With a Lotta Money: wears it every day

With a Lotta Money: i dont think ive seen it off 

  
Nice Guy: oh

Nice Guy: thats

Nice Guy: thats really nice to know actually

With a Lotta Money: he liked you a lot you know

Nice Guy: i know

Nice Guy: he’s with a better person now

Nice Guy: Jungkook will treat him better than i could ever

With a Lotta Money: you seemed to treat me perfectly fine up till now

NIce Guy: weve only been dating for like three days

Nice Guy: but im going to treat you well

With a Lotta Money: okay

With a Lotta Money: sorry got sidetracked there

With a Lotta Money: continue

Nice Guy: okay

Nice Guy: so after that month

Nice Guy: i

Nice Guy: i got into the wrong crowd>

Nice Guy: like you know them

With a Lotta Money: wait

With a Lotta Money:  _ them???? _

Nice Guy: ...yeah

With a Lotta Money: wait chan how?

With a Lotta Money: what did you do??

Nice Guy: well i did a lot of bad things and omg you’re going to break up with me i KNOW but like i did so many bad things

NIce Guy: it was bambam who introduced me to them

Nice Guy: we did a bunch of shit together 

Nice Guy: he was friends with them before...that happened and i was too gullible 

Nice Guy: i

Nice Guy: i ended up doing their dirty work for them...stealing and everything 

Nice Guy:i never hurt someone because that wasnt their policy

Nice Guy: but a lot of illegal stuff happened within those rings

Nice Guy: mostly it was just drugs and alcohol and the black market in general

With a Lotta Money: you used to be an addict?

Nice Guy: no no

NIce Guy: ive never done drugs before

Nice Guy: i just

Nice Guy: helped sell them

With a Lotta Money: okay

Nice Guy: im telling you that

Nice Guy: everything that happened in here...its not good its not good at all

Nice Guy: the  _ people _ in those kinds of places doing these things

Nice Guy: and i couldnt stop it

Nice Guy: i was so disgusted with myself because i was basically encouraging the kind of behavior that they did and 

With a Lotta Money: okay okay wait chan

Nice Guy: yeah?

With a Lotta Money: i think we both need to take a five minute break okay?

With a Lotta Money: take a five minute break okay? Calm down

Nice Guy: okay

Nice Guy: im really sorry for all the trouble

With a Lotta Money: you arent any trouble chan

Nice Guy: thank you

With a Lotta Money: your welcome

  
  


\---

**Just a Nice Guy With a Lotta Money WOO (2): 11:33pm**

With a Lotta Money: okay

With a Lotta Money: you okay now?

Nice Guy: yeah

Nice Guy: thanks

With a Lotta Money: ofc

With a Lotta Money: continue?

Nice Guy: yeah

Nice Guy: i guess i increasingly felt shitty?

Nice Guy: and i couldnt get out o fit because they wouldnt let me and i was just a fucking coward

Nice Guy: who didnt want to deal with his responsibilities

Nice Guy: and made terrible decisions

Nice Guy: so i would just

Nice Guy: want to forget everything each night ig

With a Lotta Money: ...chan

Nice Guy: it’s despicable i know

Nice Guy:i would drink the night away and pop pills for the hangover headaches

Nice Guy: that happened for about a month

Nice Guy: and during that month me and tae started to drift off

Nice Guy: ofc it wasnt his fault it was mine

Nice Guy: i used to act pissy and rude because i felt like shit

Nice Guy: my emotions were a mess and i constantly took it out on tae verbally

Nice Guy: i didnt bully him or anything i was just..really really mean

Nice Guy: i would apologize at the end of each day but ofc he got tired of it because apologies mean nothing when the person saying them doesnt give a shit

Nice Guy: i had a bit of an addiction 

Nice Guy: well no

Nice Guy: i had an addiction

Nice Guy: it was fucking bad

Nice Guy: i dont know how my parents didnt know until the very end

Nice Guy: what happened the day me and Tae broke up was a mistake like everything else was and probably the worst day in my entire life

Nice Guy: idk what he told yo ubut

Nice Guy: there was a party that bambam and everyone else wanted me to go to 

Nice GUy: there was beer, teenagers, and no security, no nothing

Nice Guy: the only adults there were the college people who graduated and were there to have fun like the rest of us 

NIce Guy: i got drunk 

Nice Guy: really really drunk actually which is weird since i have a good tolerance

Nice Guy: they probably put other hsit in those drinks

Nice Guy: but there was this guy and idk who he was but he

Nice Guy: he walked over to me and dragged me over to a corner

Nice Guy: i was too drunk to protest

With a Lotta Money: he forced himself onto you?

With a Lotta Money: chan thats serious

Nice Guy: in a way

Nice Guy: i didnt  _ stop _ him

NIce Guy: and all he did was press me against the wall and shove his tongue down my throat

Nice Guy: i cheated

Nice Guy: i cheated on tae and jungkook was there maybe bambam called him maybe yugi called him idk but he was there

Nice Guy: he took pics and sent them to tae

Nice Guy: shoved the dude off of me and dragged my ass home

Nice Guy: tae was in front of the house sobbing

Nice Guy: he slapped me, broke up with me and ran away

Nice Guy: and then jungkook punched me in the nose ( i dont blame him i deserved it)

Nice Guy: and took him home

Nice Guy: my dad found me on the ground smelling like alcohol, smoke, and with blood running down my nose. 

Nice Guy: and    
Nice Guy: thats it 

With a Lotta Money: he forced himself onto you

Nice Guy: not rlly

Nice Guy: we were both drunk and i didnt protest

With a Lotta Money: chan you didnt explicitly give him CONSENT

Nice Guy: look woojin i dont want you to judge me for this okay?> what happened happened you dont need to pretend to care about me anymore

With a Lotta Money: are you breaking up with me?

NIce Guy: no but YOURE breaking up with me

With a Lotta Money: who says im breaking up with you>

With a Lotta Money: did i say that im breaking up with you?

Nice Guy: you should break up with me   
Nice Guy: i dont deserve someone as pure as you are

Nice Guy: ive already hurt the kim family and i cant hurt them more

With a Lotta Money: you didnt hurt my family

With a Lotta Money: yes you hurt tae 

With a Lotta Money: and he cried to me all night for the next two months but after that you changed

With a Lotta Money: you became who you are now   
With a Lotta Money: youve changed chan why are you leaving me?

NIce Guy: im not leaving you woojinnie you just dont deserve someone like me

Nice Guy: im not good enough for you

With a Lotta Money: then fucking break up with me

Nice Guy: what?

With a Lotta Money: IF YOU THINK I DONT DESERVE YOU THAT MUCH THEN BREAK UP WITH ME

Nice Guy: i CANT

With a Lotta Money: why??

Nice Guy: because i dont want to lose you woojin

With a Lotta Money: yes and i dont want to lose you either

With a Lotta Money: if you really think you dont deserve me then become someone that deserves me bitch

Nice Guy: i-

Nice Guy: why arent you breaking up with me

With a Lotta Money: BECAUSE I LIKE YOU ASSHOLE

With a Lotta Money: BECAUSE IVE LIKED YOU SINCE I FIRST LAID MY GODDAMN EYES ON YOU IN FRESHMAN YEAR YOU FUCKING DOUCHE BAG

Nice Guy: what

With a Lotta Money: my flipping brother never told me who you were

WIth a Lotta Money: i doubt my feelings for you were hidden

WIth a Lotta Money: my entire FAMILY knew you were dating my brother but they never told me because they knew i liked you 

WIth a Lotta Money: so why the fuck

With a Lotta Money: are you leaving me you dumb fucking idiot

Nice Guy: youve liked me since freshman grade?

With a Lotta Money: yes 

With a Lotta Money: yes i have

NIce Guy: oh

Nice Guy: im sorry

With a Lotta Money: i dont forgive you

With a Lotta Money: i might 

Nice Guy: how?

With a Lotta Money: if you shut the fuck up and let me speak

Nice Guy: sorry

With a Lotta Money: stay with me

With a Lotta Money: you can STAY with me baby

With a Lotta Money: and ill learn to forgive you along the way

With a Lotta Money: no ones perfect chan

With a Lotta Money: what you did was dumb

With a Lotta Money: but that was almost two years ago darling

With a Lotta Money: and you've changed into a better person

With a Lotta Money: you know while you were helping rosie with her hw

With a Lotta Money: i asked mom about you

With a Lotta Money: guess what she told me

Nice Guy: that im an idiot who has no rights and i should never step foot in your house ever

With A Lotta Money: no you idiot

With a Lotta Money: she told me that you were a good person and to take care of you

With a Lotta Money: and shes the emotional parents

With a Lotta Money: tae hyung’s already forgiven you

WIth a Lotta Money: my parents have too

With a Lotta Money: so if you continue the way you are rn chan

With a Lotta Money: then ill forgive you too

Nice Guy: …

With a Lotta Money: don’t break up with me please?

Nice Guy: i would never dream of it 

With a Lotta Money: good

With a Lotta Money: i like you a lot channie

With a Lotta Money: a lot

Nice Guy: i like you too

WIth a Lotta Money: which means that i am going to murder the person who forced themselves on you that day 

Nice Guy: ….

With a Lotta Money: …

With a Lotta Money: tell me this

With a Lotta Money: did you enjoy making out with the guy?

Nice Guy: no…

With a Lotta Money: theres your answer chan

With a Lotta Money: you’re crying aren’t you

NIce Guy: rosie’s handing me tissues as we speak

With a Lotta Money: tell her hi from me

Nice Guy: she says she misses you

With a Lotta Money: tell her i’ll be back very soon

Nice Guy: i want snuggles

Nice Guy: if its not too soon?

With a Lotta Money: it isn't 

With a Lotta Money: you’re okay chan

With a Lotta Money: you’re okay

With a Lotta Money: your past doesn’t define you channie

With a Lotta Money: okay?

Nice Guy: siduvnajvdsng

With a Lotta Money: channie?   
  


Nice Guy: hi woojinnie oppa!!!

Nice Guy: this is rose!

Nice Guy: channie oppa rolled off the bed!

Nice Guy: he says to tell you that he likes you a lot

Nice Guy: and to come over for woocuddles

With a Lotta Money: oh hi rosie!

With a Lotta Money: did you finish your math homework?

Nice Guy: yep!!!

Nice Guy: channie oppa doesn’t teach as well as you though…

With a Lotta Money: oh really?

Nice Guy: yeah

With a Lotta Money: well then I’ll be sure to come over and help you, okay rosie?

Nice Guy: yay!!!

Nice Guy: thank you woojinnie oppa!

With a Lotta Money: anytime, rose

Nice Guy: oppa can i have a favor from you?

With a Lotta Money: sure

With a Lotta Money: what is it?

Nice Guy: channie oppa feels really bad over what happened with tae oppa two years ago

Nice Guy: he had a lot of trouble getting over the drinking thing…

Nice Guy: he spent a long time jyst hating himself for it and he still fully hasn’t forgiven himself for it.

Nice Guy: you need to tell him that its okay!!

With a Lotta Money: will do rosie

WIth a Lotta Money: *salute*

Nice Guy: hehe

Nice Guy: *salute* !!

With a Lotta Money: :D

NIce Guy: okay its chan sry abt her

With a Lotta Money: don’t be sorry, i love her 

Nice Guy: okayyy

NIce Guy: please hurry

Nice Guy: i’m out of tissues

With a Lotta Money: im omw darling

With a Lotta Money: i recommend screenshotting those messages to remind yourself of it chan

Nice Guy: smh

Nice Guy: just het over here

NIce Guy: *get omg

With a Lotta Money: …

With a Lotta Money: will do

Nice Guy: <3

WIth a Lotta Money: <3

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 12:01pm**

Mom: never

Mom: ever

Mom: make woojinnie mad

Maknae: what the heck channie hyung?

Mom: just keep in mind

Mom: he doesnt cuss much

Mom: but when he does…

Dad: channie i WILL take my flamethrower with me

Mom: what the heck

Problem Child 1: omg FLAMETHROWER IWANT IT

Dad: no

Dad: its mine

Problem Child 1: :(

Problem Child 1: fine

  
  
  


Woojin grinned, running down the stairs. Jin was making lunch in the kitchen. She shot him a mischievous look at he ran into the kitchen. Woojin hugged her and kissed her cheek firmly. “Mom, I really like him.” Jin smiled at her son, patting his head lovingly. “As you should, honey. As you should. “

Woojin grinned and ran out the door, grabbing his jacket and shrugging it on. 

Jin rolled her eyes good naturedly at her son, going back to stirring the pot. “That boy is far too cute for his own good.”

\---

Chan was waiting for Woojin outside the house, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Woojin ran up to him and kissed him full on the mouth, taking the flowers as he did so. Chan made a sound of surprise before twisting his arms around Woojin’s waist. 

“What’s this?” He asked. Woojin looked at him straight in the eye. “I’m mad at you for being dumb, but I’m even more proud of you for getting over your addiction. I’m so proud of you, baby. And I trust that you will never cheat on me because of what happened. So don’t hate yourself, okay?” Chan sniffed, tears forming at the base of his eyes. 

Woojin cooed, wiping Chan’s tears away. “Don’t cry, Channie, it’s okay?” Chan pouted and buried his head in Woojin’s chest, sobs wracking his body. Woojin shushed him gently, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and pulling him close. “Everyone hated me after- after that and it was so  _ hard _ getting over the stupid alcohol thing and everyone from there went after me and tried to get me back and I nearly did, Woojinnie  _ it was so hard _ .” Woojin pressed a kiss to the crown of Chan’s head. “I know, baby, it must have been. But you’re okay, now? You’re okay, honey, you’re okay. It’s over and they know not to mess with you, right? They leave you alone. Those are just memories, baby, just memories.”

Chan nodded, taking in a shuddering breath. “Just memories.” He said. “My maze of memories.” Woojin nodded, fixing Chan’s hair. “Just your maze of memories, darling. And you know what’s great about mazes?” He asked. 

Chan shook his head. 

Woojin smiled sweetly at him. 

“There’s always a way out, baby. You just have to find it.”

**Goldilocks and Baby Bear: (2) 2:29pm**

Baby Bear: hyung

Baby Bear: did you date Bang Chan before you dated Jungkook

Goldilocks: oh

Goldilocks: you figured it out?

Baby Bear: he's my boyfriend

Goldilocks: i'm happy for you, woojinnie

Goldilocks: if he hurts you i will get kookie to murder him

Baby Bear: i love you hyung

Baby Bear: and i really like him

Goldilocks: i can tell

Goldilocks: you know

Goldilocks: he's always had an eye on you

Goldilocks: everyone knew except for him

Goldilocks: both of you are adorable together

Goldilocks: forgive him

Baby Bear: i will

Baby Bear: soon enough

Goldilocks: :D

Baby Bear: and stop sending of pictures of me!

Goldilocks: HAHAHAH

Goldilocks: NEVER

Baby Bear: im rolling my eyes at you hyung

Goldilocks: i love you to, my baby bear

Baby Bear: <33

Baby Bear: luv you too tae tae hyungie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D  
> Summary: Chan is Tae's Ex, they dated for three months when Chan was in 10th and Tae in 12th. Chan ended up in the wrong crowd, made bad decisions and eventually ended up cheating on Tae drunkenly at some party. Tae broke up with him, and Chan's left with an alcohol addiction, a broken nose, and a mad family. But he becomes a much better person and eventually gets over his addiction, leading to the Channie we know and love now, in this story!! 
> 
> anyways. LETS TALK ABOUT THE COMEBACK SHALL WE??? like.... im dead, i can imagine it already 
> 
> Chia: Sept 12, 2006 - June 17, 2020  
> Cause of Death: Stray Kids Comeback
> 
> YANG JEONGIN HAS NO RIGHTS TO BE THAT ATTRACTIVE IN THE MV AND FELIX'S "five star michelin" will haunt me forever FOREVER I TELL YOU AND oh my GOD pacemaker?? GOD'S MENU?? ART? THE ENTIRE DAMN THING???? ANOTHER DAY THAT MF GUITAR AND JISUNGIES VOICE??? i stan the right bois  
> stan talent stan stray kids guys
> 
> i love you all, stay safe everyone mkay? <3


	12. My Mother is NOT Single and NOT Ready to Mingle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cutie Child: :’0
> 
> Floopy Child: :0
> 
> Problem Child 1: are they…
> 
> Favorite: *nods*  
> Favorite: *lowers binoculars*  
> Favorite: they’re communicating
> 
> Maknae: and here we have...two wild animals communicating in their wild habitat  
> Maknae: stay tuned for more on… Seungjin Dynamics!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> or: a cracccy filler chapter so that i can get ready for my long awaited (not rlly) sope arc
> 
> have fun~

**September 4th, Monday**

**Crackhead Family (9) 6:30am**

Mom: EVERYONE UP

Mom: UP UP UP

Mom: NO ONE BETTER BE LATE FOR SCHOOL TODAY

Dad: channie school starts at 7:45

Dad: we have time

Dad: wait

Dad: nvm we dont have time

Dad: EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES UP OR I WILL SET MY MOTHER ON YOU AND YOU DONT WANT TO SEE HER WHEN SHES DEDICATED

Satan: what 

Satan: what is happening

Satan: oh shit

Satan: school

Satan: is Jeongin awake yet

Satan: JEONGIN GET UP GET UP GET UP WE BOTH KNOW YOUR DADS SHIT AT ALARMS

Satan: JEONGIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Maknae: omg

Maknae: my dad didnt wake me agin

Maknae: what time is it

Maknae: AM I LATE??

Satan: NO BUT YOU VERY WELL BE IF YOU DONT GET YOUR ASS HERE RIGHT NOE

Maknae: OH SHIT

Problem Child 2: but we have an hour? and fifteen minutes????

Wine Aunt: shhhh

Wine Aunt: let the chaos reign supreme

Problem Child 2: oh whit we only have an hour and fifteen minutes what am i doing with my lfie

Favorite: no one knows bean bitch

Problem Child 2: why do you hate me

Favorite: _ tis the mark of a soldier, young padawan _

Problem Child 2: i hate you

Problem Child 2: so much

Favorite:  _ tis the mark of a soldier _

Favorite:  _ you must bear it with pride _

Problem Child 1: oh?

Problem Child 1:  _ what is dis _

Maknae: **TINY HAND**

Maknae:  **tiny** tiney  hand

Satan: felix has  **tiny** hands

Maknae:  **tiny** hand

Favorite: ew 

Favorite: tiny hands

Maknae:  ***tiny**

Problem Child 2: i think its cute

Favorite:  _ thank you, young seo _

Problem Child 2: if that was an all might reference-

Dad: CHILDREN

Dad: WE CAN TALK ABOUT THE WONDERS OF BNHA LATER

Dad: FOR NOW TO GO SCHOOL

Dad: did jeonginnie ever finish his work?

Maknae: yes i did in fact

Maknae: my dad isn't as useless as I thought he was

Dad: don't be mean innie

Dad: streaming chicken noodle soup constantly doesnt mean hes useless

Maknae: HE THINKS STREAMING CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP IS A PERSONALITY TRAIT

Maknae: HOW IS IT A PERSONALITY TRAIT HYUNG

Maknae: HOW

Maknae: I AM: in sHOCK

Dad: okay okay

Dad: go get ready

Maknae: why don't you get ready hyung

Mom: wait 

Mom: what abt hyunjin

Mom: is he awake??

Drama Llama: omg

Drama Llama: yeji poured water over my head AGAIN

Dad:...

Dad: is this normal

Drama Llama: oh yes dw

Drama Llama: standard wake up call

Drama LLama: i gtg hyungie

Drama Llama: byeee

Dad: okay

Dad: wonderful

Mom: this is normal

Mom: n o r m a l

Dad: w o n d e r f u l

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 12:32pm**

Drama Llama: coke

Satan: poke

Drama Llama: pole

Satan: mole

Drama Llama: molt

Satan: holt

Drama Llama: hole

Satan: hold

Drama Llama: mold

Satan: meld

Drama Llama: held

Satan: hild

Drama Llama: mild

Satan: mile(s)

Drama Llama: pile

Satan: file

Drama Llama: fill

Satan: mill

Drama Llama: pill

Satan: poll (to make chan hyung president)

Drama Llama: *signed*

Satan: pleasure working with you

Drama Llama: *bows*

Satan: *pats head*

Drama Llama: *preens*

Satan: cute

Drama Llama: >///<

Problem Child 1: wtf you guys are sitting ACROSS from each other

Favorite: shush jisungie

Favorite: they’re  _ bonding _

Satan: ^

Drama Llama: ^^

Favorite:  _ i ship it _

Drama Llama: >/////<

Satan: cute

Drama Llama:  **_> /////<_ **

Satan: <33

Drama Llama: <333

Satan: uwu

Drama Llama: u w u

Drama Llama: cute

Satan: :0

Satan: >/////<

Satan: hehe

_ Drama Llama has changed Satan’s name to Cutie Child _

Cutie Child: ooo?

Drama Llama: :D

_ Cutie Child has changed Drama Llama’s name to Floopy Child _

Floopy Child: owo

Cutie Child: owo

Floopy Child: :D

Cutie Child: :D)

Floopy Child: ew

Cutie Child: :’0

Floopy Child: :0

Problem Child 1: are they…

Favorite: *nods*

Favorite: *lowers binoculars*

Favorite: they’re communicating

Maknae: and here we have...two wild animals communicating in their wild habitat

Maknae: stay tuned for more on… Seungjin Dynamics!

Cutie Child: owo?

Cutie Child: *looks at hyunjin*

Floopy Child: owo

Floopy Child: *nods*

Floopy Child: *hugs minnie*

Cutie Child: *hugs bacc*

Floopy Child: *he protecc*

Problem Child: *he attacc*

Maknae: but most importantly….

Favorite: *he’s got ur bacc*

Maknae: AND SCENE

Maknae: wonderful job today everyone

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 4:03 pm**

Mom: what the heck

Wine Aunt: seungjin??

Wine Aunt: oh?

Mom: oh no

Dad: oh my

Cutie Child: o wo

Floopy Child: :D

Dad: okay my dear children

Dad: how was everyones day?

Dad: jeonginnie did you get your math hw?

Maknae: unfortunately

Dad: ask for help if you need it

Maknae: okayyyy

Maknae: ill ask my dad

Maknae: he can do math

Maknae: that must be why he’s a professor at the college

Maknae: he teaches math

Dad: i-

Dad: yes yes

Dad: be proud of your father innie

Maknae: absolutely not

Maknae: not until he gets a girlfriend

Maknae: or a boyfriend

Dad: *sigh*

Dad: okay

  
  


**Just a Nice Guy With a Lotta Money WOO (2) 4:08**

Nice Guy: hi woojinnie

With a Lotta Money: hi channie

Nice Guy: how was your day?

With a Lotta Money: oh it was fine

With a Lotta Money: i will kill my history teacher though

Nice Guy: oh ew history

Nice Guy: pointless subject really

With a Lotta Money:  _ yes _

With a Lotta Money: absolutely pointless

Nice Guy: do you wanna marry me?

With a Lotta Money: too soon

With a Lotta Money: ...maybe dont ask that for a while?

Nice Guy: okayy

Nice Guy: sorry

With a Lotta Money: dont apologize its okay

With a Lotta Money: you know what we should do?

With a Lotta Money: we should play twenty questions with the kids

With a Lotta Money: we need to get to know each other a bit more

Nice Guy: oooo

Nice Guy: sure!!

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 4:15**

Dad: guys!

Dad: do you wanna play twenty questions?

Dad: since all of us dont know each other that well

Problem Child 1: i keep forgetting

Favorite: that he doesnt know

Wine Aunt: wives

Wine Aunt: jilix rise

Favorite: sunshine twins

Problem Child 1: uwuwuw

Problem Child 1: sunshine twins!!!!

Problem Child 1: but i still wanna play twenty questions

Favorite: ^

Favorite: sameeeee

Problem Child 2: i think we’re all free

Dad: :D

Dad: yayyyyy

  
  


**Woe is WOW(3) 4:17pm**

Zookeeper: omg

Zookeeper: hes cute

Noona Lover: hes ur bf

Noona Lover: ofc you think hes cute

Zookeeper: but i need to take it slow

Zookeeper: i TOLD him

Fiona: you told him?

Zookeeper: yeah

Zookeeper: he took it better than i thought he would

Noona Lover: we all knew he was going to take it alright

Noona Lover: he likes you too much

Zookeeper: hes liked me since freshman

Zookeeper: and i cant help but think about what would happen if i had dated him when we were freshman

Fiona: you would have crashed and burned

Fiona: freshman year…

Zookeeper: i know

Zookeeper: i would have broken his heart instead of tae’s

Zookeeper: idk what id be doing

Noona Lover: you’ll be alright hyung

Noona Lover: everything’s going to be alright

Zookeeper: i know

Zookeeper: thank you both

Zookeeper: ily

Fiona: anytime hyung

Noona Lover: anytime parental figure~

Zookeeper: smh

Zookeeper: <3

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 4:25**

Dad: okay okayyyy

Dad: the twenty questions areeee

Dad: your favorite food, your favorite animal, your favorite color, your favorite hobby, a random fact about yourself, what subject you hate the most, a random fact about your parents, whether you like bears or not, whether you like chicken or not, whether you thing jeonginnie is cute, your favorite glue brand, if you have any siblings, who your parents are, whether you think you would be able to survive in the wilderness for a month or not, what your dream job is (what you aim to be), what took you way too long to figure out, a random fact about your siblings (if you dont have any then abt urself), whether you think that war is inevitable, and three more facts abt urself

Dad: :D

Dad: who wants to go first?

Mom: lets go age order?

Mom: maknae first

Mom: since he went last last time?

Maknae: yay

Maknae: those are.. A lot of questions hhhh

Maknae: but

Maknae: idk ill eat almost anything except for beans, fennec fox!, hot pink, singing baby shark, i love baby shark, history, my dad is single and ready to mingle or he might have a girlfriend

Maknae: oo i like bears

Dad: good

Mom: ...thats mildly threatening

Dad: g o o d

Maknae: hhhh

Favorite: MY MOM IS SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE

Favorite: take her

Maknae: take my father please

Favorite: what if they were to date

Maknae: oh my

Maknae: idk how id feel abt that

Favorite: …

Favorite: true

Favorite: i cant imagine my mom dating

Favorite: *shudders*  _ she once told me her teenage sunflower was pregnant and i didnt know whether to feel bad for the sunflower or pray for the father _

Maknae: suddenly my dad is not single

Favorite: rip

Maknae: BUT I WILL CONTINUE BECAUSE ITS MY TURN

Maknae:i like chicken

Maknae: i dont think im cute

Dad: get ready to die, maknae

Maknae: what the hecK>???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you l like the seungjin? i did too (woojinnie's a little bby bear uwu)  
> anyways im rlly tired and would like to go to sleep so im not going to say anything (its only 10:19 why am i sleepyyy) but um stan stray kids theyre great i love them a lot...stream God's Menu tis a bop
> 
> anyways stay safe everyone <3   
> drop a comment i always reply~ ( i need some plot ideas im dry rn)  
> talk to me about the godsend that is kim woojin the baby bear because i love him and want him to open up a chicken shop
> 
> SSP:  
> -read my fics!  
> \- like all of them  
> \- please and thank you


	13. they just talk about random stuff tbh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cutie Child: did you know  
> Cutie Child: that the urge to squeeze someone really hard when we think they’re cute is actually our brains way of coping with their cuteness?  
> Cutie Child: our brain goes  
> Cutie Child: “this is too cute so imma kill it”  
> Cutie Child: LIKE PYTHONS  
> Cutie Child: isn’t that great???
> 
> Maknae: NO IT ISNT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more filler stuff!! they literally just talk about random stuff lmao its not rlly cracky but OH WELL  
> sucks to suck im sorry all my crack has gone to my new series (which you should check out btw theres two works in there the series is called A Cuppa Coffee For Your Head thank you)  
> anyways
> 
> have fun~

**The Twenty Questions Themselves For Your (and chia’s) Reference** :  _ your favorite food, your favorite animal, your favorite color, your favorite hobby, a random fact about yourself, what subject you hate the most, a random fact about your parents, whether you like bears or not, whether you like chicken or not, whether you thing jeonginnie is cute, your favorite glue brand, if you have any siblings, who your parents are, whether you think you would be able to survive in the wilderness for a month or not, what your dream job is (what you aim to be), what took you way too long to figure out, a random fact about your siblings (if you dont have any then abt urself), whether you think that war is inevitable, and three more facts abt urself _

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 4:30 pm**

Maknae: wait wait WHY AM I DYING

Dad: you don’t think you’re cute

Dad: you must die

Cutie Child: did you know

Cutie Child: that the urge to squeeze someone really hard when we think they’re cute is actually our brains way of coping with their cuteness?

Cutie Child: our brain goes

Cutie Child: “this is too cute so imma kill it”

Cutie Child: LIKE PYTHONS

Cutie Child: isn’t that great???

Maknae: NO IT ISNT

Maknae: DOES THAT MEAN EVERYONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO KILL ME????

Dad: SO YOU ADMIT YOURE CUTE?

Dad: good

Dad: you deserve to be called cute every day for the rest of your life

Dad: <3

Maknae: um

Maknae: what the hell

Maknae: <3

Dad: :D

Maknae: uwu

Dad: OKAY NEXT

Dad: SEUNGMINNIE NEXT

Cutie Child: okayyyy

Cutie Child :eggs, puppies, purple, scrolling through wikipedia on days when i cant sleep and singing, i like hotel del luna a lot, history, my mom has this atrocious hot pink sweater that she likes to wear whenever ppl come over to embarass me (sigh), i like bears, i like chicken too, innie's adorable uwu, um idk glue brands...elmers??, no siblings!!, um their names are dowoon and wonpil, yes i would, idk yet, that my dad's an idiot, im emotionally constipated woot, war can only be evaded for so long, hmm...im still not over hotel del luna, im a nerd, i wear glasses

Cutie Child: :D

Floopy Child: you like hotel del lunaaaa?

Cutie Child: YEP

Floopy Child: omg

Floopy Child: sAME

Floopy Child: thoughts on the ending?

Cutie Child: hhhh

Cutie Child: it was great tbh

Cutie Child: but i rlly wanted them to meet in the afterlfie

Cutie Child: and in the next life

Cutie Child: self indulgence 

Floopy Child: yesss

Floopy Child: their relationship was so sad :(

Floopy Child: but i loved it cause it’s something that was kinds subtle and soft and amazing

Floopy Child: :( it broke my heart int oso many pieces

Floopy Child: i need someone to binge it withhhhh

Floopy Child: you wanna?

Cutie Child: !!!

Cutie Child: rllyyyy

Cutie Child: i wouldnt be imposing?

Floopy Child: not at all!!

Floopy Child: :D my parents wont mind

Floopy Child: yeji might have ryujin over but they arent that bad

Floopy Child: they’ll leave us alone if i ask them tooooo

Cutie Child: omg okay

Cutie Child: ive needed to binge it since forever

Problem Child 1: get a  _ room _ you two omg

Cutie Child: shut up you self absorbed squirrel

Problem Child 1: HEY

Cutie Child: lmao

Cutie Child: im kissing

Cutie Child: *kidding 

Cutie Child: sry but i dont wanna kiss you

Problem Child 1: ew same

Cutie Child: :D

Cutie Child: ooo

Cutie Child: WHAT IF WE ALL MET UP

Mom: not now

Mom: or anywhere near the future

Mom: you all need to focus on school for some time you know

Mom: and we have lunch

Floopy Child: but the hyungs are rarely ever at lunch

Floopy Child: especially you woojin hyung

Floopy Child: where are you??

Dad: oh

Dad: oh yeah i had to do that

Dad: sry some of my friends are a tad...possessive

Mom: what

Dad: ..yeah

Dad: they arent the best lol

Dad: i need to tell them to fuck off tomorrow

Dad: channie remind me, will you?

Dad: also everyone can come over on saturday for a sleepover

Dad: my parents are out that day

Dad: dad has a meeting and mom’s going with them

Dad: we can  _ all _ binge hotel del luna if you wish   
Dad: or extraordinary you

Dad: who wants to watch extradordinary you

Problem Child 2: MEEEEEE

Problem Child 2: I WANNA WATCH EXTRAORDINARY YOU

Problem Child 2: ROWOON IS HOT

Problem Child 1: he’s kinda gay you see

Problem Child 2: I AM VERY GAY

Problem Child 2: onE OF THE MOST GAY EVER

Problem Child 2: HAVE YOU SEEN ROWOON????

Wine Aunt: wait isnt he the dude who played haru?

Problem Child 2: YES

Problem Child 2: FROM SF9

Problem Child 2: I LOVE HIM   
  


Wine Aunt: oh my god him

Wine Aunt: he’s HOT

Problem Child 2: RIGHT?????

Problem Child 2: AND HES SO TALL

Floopy Child: everyones tall to you hyung

Problem Child 2: shut up brat

Problem Child 2: not my fault that my mothers never told me to drink more milk when i was older

Problem Child 2: now that i think about it

Problem Child 2: it runs in the family

Problem Child 2: omg

Problem Child 2: moms are short

Problem Child 2: wait but i was adopted

Problem Child 2: does being around short people make you short?

Cutie Child: nope!

Cutie Child: being around someone for long periods of time only causes you to imitate their behavior, nothing physical

Cutie Child: physical traits such as height can only be influenced by genes and external influences

Problem Child 2: my parents ARE external influences!

Cutie Child: not like  _ that _ you idiot

Cutie Child: like you not drinking milk

Cutie Child: not because your moms are short

Cutie Child: dumbass

Problem Child 1: hey quick question

Problem Child 1: dont answer if not comfortable

Problem Child 1: but whats yall sexuality?

Problem Child 1: are we all queer or?

Dad: bi

Mom: bi

Wine Aunt: gay as fuck

Dad:  _ language _

Mom: english

Dad: shush you

Problem Child 2: kinky

Problem Child 2: lmao

Problem Child 2: but also pan!!

Problem Child 1: pan :D

Floopy Child: well

Floopy Child: im ace

Floopy Child: but straight?

Floopy Child: idk does that make me queer

Floopy Child: cause like im 14 so what do i know abt...being ace

Wine Aunt: worry not!

Wine Aunt: you  _ are _ young yet, but you can still be ace, and be sure about it

Wine Aunt: you can always change in the future

Wine Aunt: and yes asexuals  _ are _ queer

Wine Aunt: you’re included dw hyunjinnie

Wine Aunt: and even if you weren’t we’d love you all the same

Floopy Child: :D

Floopy Child: thanks hyung

Floopy Child: im still questioning tho

Floopy Child: like i could like a guy

Cutie Child: !! you’ll be included no matter whattt

Floopy Child: <3

Floopy Child: :D

Favorite: i like pans

Favorite: i like to kiss my pans

Favorite: pans are da best

Mom: omg felix no

Favorite: felix YES

Favorite: im pansexual i like pans i live for pans JISUNGIE TWINS

Problem Child 1: suddenly im attraced to pans

Problem Child 1: brb gotta go kiss one real quick

Favorite: yass queen

Problem Child 1: *dab*

Mom: NO

Mom: no dabbing PLEASE

Cutie Child: lmao

Cutie Child: anyways pan

Cutie Child: triplets?

Favorite: YASSSSS

Problem Child 1: YASSSS

Problem Child 1: join us

Problem Child 2: ah yes

Problem Child 2: the virgin trio of terror

Mom: well id hope so

Dad: chanGBIN

Problem CHild: WAIT NO

Problem Child 2: *virgo

Problem Child 2: omg

Dad: oh thank god

Favorite: ope

FavoriteL >///<

Cutie Child: oh my

Cutie Child: this is interesting

Problem Child 1: update: i have kissed a pan

Problem Child 1: papa just...nodded at me and told me to discover myself

Problem Child 1: wtv HE SUPPORTS

Problem Child 1: PANS RISE

Cutie Child: *raises pan*

Problem Child 1: YES

Favorite: lmao my mom was shook

Favorite: shes going on ANOTHER DATE

Maknae: at...5pm??

Favorite: she’s getting ready

Favorite: i can  _ smell  _ it

Favorite: literally

Favorite: she always puts rose petals around the house to like clean her essence or some shit

Favorite: idk why

Favorite: but she smells great afterwards and i get rose scented cuddles!!

Problem Child 2: luckyy

Problem Child 2: my moms dont go out on dates anymore since mom birthed the twins

Problem Child 2: rip

Favorite Child: f

Favorite Child: you should plan smth for them on valentines/anniversary

Favorite: we can take care of the twins for a couple house

Favorite: right?

Dad: HOW OLD ARE THEY

Problem Child 2: id appreciate that!!

Problem Child 2: and woojin hyung, three

Dad: I VOLUNTEER

Mom: omg thats so cute

Mom: ill help

Mom: valentines day is a long way away though

Problem Child 2: their anniversary is abt a month away though so 

Problem Child 2: keep your october 9th free?

Problem Child 2: its a sunday

Mom: marked!!

Mom: ooo its three days before my bday cool

Maknae: IM ACE 

Maknae: i like cuddles

Maknae: idrk what i like romantically cause ive only liked girls uptil now

Maknae: but i dont think im straight? So WHATEVER

Maknae: i like baby shark

Maknae: im baby shark sexual

Maknae: its great

Cutie Child: wait jeongin NO

Maknae: JEONGIN YES

Dad: TWENTY QUESTIONS TIME

Dad: FELIX ITS YOUR TURN

Favorite: what even were the questions

Dad: ...idk

Dad: just tell us about yourself i guess

Dad: i need to get to know you all more!

Mom: ISNT HE ADORABLE

Mom: THE ABSOLUTE CUTEST

Dad: shush you

Mom: UWUWUWU

Favorite: ew pda

Favorite: anyways

Favorite: i dont think you need to know anything besides the fact that i like memes

Favorite: and follow me on tik tok

Favorite: i need clout

Wine Aunt: you do not need clout felix

Favorite: shut up hyung

Favorite: and im from australia

Mom: EYYYYY

Mom: AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE

Favorite: OI OI OI

Mom: GDAY FELLAS

Mom: MY NAMES BANG CHAN

Favorite: AND IM FELIX

Mom: AND WERE FROM

Favorite: AUSTRALIA

Mom: WOOOOOOO

Favorite: WOOOO

Dad: okay moving on

Floopy Child: im australian

Favorite: YOU ARE?

Floopy Child: :( no 

Floopy Child: wish i was though

Favorite: ill help you become australian hyunjin

Floopy Child: REALLY??

Favorite: yes

Favorite: but only the slang

Favorite: and english

Floopy Child: YAY

Mom: we need to have english lessons

Mom: changbin keeps on getting sad when me and jisung make songs with english in them

Mom: he feels left out

Problem Child 2: DO NOT

Dad: are we just

Dad: ignoring the questions

Maknae: yes

Maknae: sorry hyung

Maknae: my dads going out today sigh

Maknae: who wants to come over

Maknae: i need help with geometry

Dad: comingg

Dad: do you want cookies

Maknae: pancakes??

Dad: yeah mom has some left

Dad: she told me to give them to all of you

Maknae: BRING THEM

Cutie Child: wait im coming too

Cutie Child: i like geometry

Maknae: i never figure out how

Maknae: geometry’s devil’s work

Cutie Child: guess what so am i bitch

Cutie Child: *dab*

Mom: dear god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welpppp  
> i think next chapter we might actually get some plot??  
> also sorry for the lack of twenty questions it refused to flow that way so rip woojin can learn more about them as time goes on!!   
> i actually have some stuff planned for this so im exciteddd yay its not rlly funny anymore which is sad but itll hopefully get more..cracky?? idk but lets see haha
> 
> stay safe everyoneeeee   
> comment if you wish ill be happy if you doooo and if you have plot ideas plz comment i do love myself some more ideas!!  
> SSP:  
> \- new series uwu its called A Cuppa Coffee For Your Head (the two works are Coffee and Monster Energy Drinks Do Not Mic and I'm Not a Morning Person (woochan and minsung on crack respectively..i have stuff planned for that as well so go check it out if you wish!!)


	14. ...Chicken Flavored Pancakes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Favorite Child: my mom is too  
> Favorite Child: innie our parents go out on the same days  
> Favorite Child: and they’re both single
> 
> Maknae: oh my god  
> Maknae: oh my god  
> Maknae: FELIX HYUNG WHAT IF THEYRE DATING EACH OTHER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part one of the sope arc! finally! IT TOOK 20K TO REACH THE SECOND PLOT POINT TF  
> *sigh*  
> anyways
> 
> have fun~

It’s still Monday! September 4th! 

**Crackhead Family (9) 5:24pm**

Dad: i’m trash

Mom: as someone who deeply cares about the environment i am obligated to pick you up

Mom: is next weekend at seven okay?

Problem Child 2: goddamn that was smooth

Problem Child 1: WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT HYUNG

Problem Child 1: TEACH ME PLEASE

Mom: tumblr lmao

Mom: but why in the world would you need to know how to flirt

Mom: you’re  _ thirteen _

Problem Child 1: >:(

Problem Child 1: just because

Problem Child 1: ya know

Mom: no i dont know

Mom: and just get a tumblr honestly

Mom: or a pinterest

Mom: that works too

Problem Child 1: yeeeeeet

Favorite Child: i have been summoned by the yeet

Favorite CHild: ALSO

Favorite Child: WHO THINKS THAT YEET SHOULD BE A PROPER WORD IN THE DICTIONARY

Problem Child 1: ME

Problem Child 1: I NEED TO USE IT IN MY DAILY LIFE WITHOUT GETTING JUDGED 

Problem Child 1: JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS

Favorite Child : yasss

Favorite Child : also

Favorite Child : my mom is out today too

Favorite Child : she’s out on a dATEEEEE

Favorite Child 1: hhh i still dont know who it is

Favorite Chlid : but anyways

Favorite Child: can i come over innie

Favorite Child: i have geometry hw too

Favorite Child: dont like geometry

Favorite Child: i still don’t know how to prove theorems???

Favorite Child: like

Favorite Child: help me please lmao idk what im doing

Cutie Child:  _ omg theorems _

Cutie Child: wait but we aren’t even  _ on _ theorems yet

Favorite Child: i like to be prepared

Favorite Child: please help

Cutie Child: dw i will!!!

Cutie Child: also innie im almost at your house

Cutie Child: i bring with me snaccs

Cutie Child: mom handed me a random bucket of fried chicken??

Cutie Child: im at your door rn

Maknae: wait lmao hyung why dyu have a bucket of fried chicken-

Maknae: OH LMAOO

Maknae: i love your mom so much

Maknae: tell her i love her

Cutie Child: hhhhh

Cutie Child: she loves you more than she loves me anyways

Cutie Child: anywayucjdbvdvu

Favorite Child:??? 

Maknae: HAHAHA HE DROPPED HIS PHONE

Maknae: HES HOLDING ON TO THE CHICKEN THO

Dad: IM HERE

Dad: I HEARD CHICKEN

Dad: OH MY FUCKING GOD KIM SEUNGMIN

Dad: DO NOT DROP THAT FUCKING CHICKEN THAT IS MY ENTIRE LIFE IN YOUR HANDS YOU BITCH

Mom: oh my god you broke him

Cutie Child: okay i got my phone back

Cutie Child: THE CHICKEN IS UNHARMED THANKS A LOT WOOJIN HYUNG

Dad: YOU NEARLY DROPPED THE CHICKEN

Dad: SEUNGMIN I TRUSTED YOU

Cutie Child: oh my god???/

CUtie Child: JEONGIN IS LAUGHING SO HARD RN DIE IN HELL

Favorite Child: okay im here

Favorite Child: what the hell happened

Cutie Child: chicken is more important than me supposedly

Favorite Child: lmao yeah it is

Maknae: AHHAHAHAHHHAA

Cutie Child:

Cutie Child: give me my chicken im walking home now

Cutie Child: if you dont love me without my chicken

Cutie Child: you dont deserve me with my chicken

Maknae: HAHAHAHAH

Dad: ABSOLUTELY NOT

Dad: THE CHICKEN  _ STAYS _

Cutie Child: >:(

Cutie Child: great

Cutie Child: lets hurry up im cold

Dad: you arent cold its the beginning of september

Dad: uwu seungminnie looks so cute when he’s blushing

Cutie Child: die

Favorite Child: *cough* iF ANYONE WAS INTERESTED

Favorite Child: *cough cough*

Favorite Child: SEUNGMIN LOOKS DOWNRIGHT ADORABLE WHEN HES BLUSHING

Favorite Child: *COUGH COUGH*

Floopy Child: what is happening

Floopy Child: felix are you good?

Floopy Child: seungminnie looks cute whilst blushing??

Favorite Child: mission accomplished ;)

Cutie Child: YAH

Cutie Child: GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE SO I CAN TEACH YOU GEOMETRY

Cutie Child: AND SO THAT WOOJIN HYUNG CAN FEED YOU PANCAKES AND CHICKEN

Problem Child 1: …. _ chicken flavored pancakes? _

Floopy Child: CURSED

Floopy Child: okay i am out

Floopy Child: i have dance bye yall

Favorite Child: omg dance

Favorite Child: i do that too

Favorite Child: studio?

Floopy Child: 0325

Floopy Child: you?

Favorite Child: EYYYYYY SAME

Favorite Child: okay seungmin is threatening no chicken byeeee

Floopy Child: same same bye yall

Wine Aunt: WHAT IS THIS ABOUT STUDIO 0325?

Wine Aunt: omg

Wine Aunt: im adopting you now

Wine Aunt: i go to the same studio lovelies

Wine Aunt: my days are wednesday, thursday, and friday

Wine Aunt: level three

Wine Aunt: but also woochan back off im taking custody of your dancing children

Mom: noooooooo

Mom: theyre still mind

Mom: i’ll share

Wine Aunt: fine

Favorite Child: wait innie ur dad is out?

Maknae: im sitting right across from you wth

Favorite Child: i dont want minnie to yell at me

Cutie Child: too late bitch

Favorite Child: aw shit

Favorite Child: okay but sry seungminnie

Favorite Child: but innie?

Maknae: mhm

Maknae: hes on a date

Favorite Child: my mom is too

Favorite Child: innie our parents go out on the same days

Favorite Child: and they’re both single

Maknae: oh my god

Maknae:  _ oh my god _

Maknae: FELIX HYUNG WHAT IF THEYRE DATING EACH OTHER   
  


Favorite Child: oh no oh no oh no oh no

Favorite Child: oh my god

Maknae: wait are you okay?

Favorite Child: IDK

Favorite Child: i dont even remember my dad thi sis all very weird haha

Favorite Child: like what if they end up getting married

Favorite Child: then what happens???

Maknae: then we become brothers

Maknae: it’ll be okay, hyung

Favorite Child: i

Favorite Child: i dont even know why im so scared like i really shouldn’t be

Favorite Child: but it’s a big change you know?

Maknae: mhm

Favorite Child: oh no now im crying

Favorite Child: :((( woojin hyungies hugs are the best 

Favorite Child: he feels like a teddy bearr oh no

Favorite Child: INNIE

Maknae: :)

Maknae: you wanna continue to text or say it out loud?

Favorite Child: text if thats okay?

Favorite Child: wait im i bothering you guys?

Favorite Child: like im probably spamming haha

Problem Child 2: you arent spamming lix

Problem Child 2: you can continue on here if you’re comfortable

Problem Child 2: we’re all here for you okay?

Favorite Child 2: thank you pizza hyung

Problem Child 2: <3

Favorite Child: innie

Favorite Child: if they actually  _ are _ dating

Favorite Child: and they actually end up getting married

Favorite Child: ill need space

Maknae: ofc hyung!

Maknae: i wouldn’t want to pressure you into anything

Maknae: i know it’s a really big change

Maknae: it is for me too so i think we’d both need the space

Favorite Child: thank you <33

Favorite Child: ily

Maknae: i do too hyung!!! <33

Maknae: but we shouldnt get ahead of ourselves lmao

Maknae: they might not even be dating

Favorite Child: mhm

Favorite Child: omg these pancakes are so good

Favorite Child: whos are they again?

Dad: my mom’s

Dad: ill make them for you whenever you want lixie

Favorite Child: !!

Favorite Child: you can cook!

Dad: ofc i can

Dad: my mom is a wonderful cook

Dad: dad and taetae hyung are  _ terrible _ at cooking

Dad: someone had to take up the tradition lmao

Dad: that and cooking dates are fun

Mom: uwu

Mom: ive never had one

Mom: properly anyways

Dad: smh

Dad: tae doesn’t know how to cook at all

Dad: i honestly wonder how jungkook handles him 

Mom: *sigh*

Mom: he still glares at me in the hallways

Dad: its all a joke tho?

Mom: true

Mom: ITS STILL SCARY

Dad: omg

Dad: FELIX IS SO CUTEEEEE   
Dad: my favorite son

Dad: mwah

Dad: i love you

Maknae: this is so cute

Maknae: woojin hyung kissed the top of felix hyung’s head

Maknae: omg

Maknae: the reaction to the pancakes is wonderful HAHA

Cutie Child: it really is

Cutie Child: 

Cutie Child: but the pancakes are so good uwu

Maknae Line: uwu

Favorite Child: that picture-

Favorite Child: omg

Cutie Child: uwu

Dad: uwu

Problem Child 1: SMOL HANDS

Maknae: HE HAS THE SMOLLEST HANDS

Maknae: IM SO SOFT

Cutie Child: HAHAHAHA

Cutie Child: innie just did that

Cutie Child: “what is dis” “tiny handddd”

Cutie Child: lix looks playfully mad

Cutie Child: this is: adorable

Cutie Child: their hand size difference is so big!!!

Cutie Child: woojin hyung is just looking at them proudly

Cutie Child: such a dad 

Dad: uwu

Dad: okay now everyone back to work 

Dad: your theorems won’t prove themselves 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant keep track of this anymore literally  
> so i realize that i already said their sexualities in the first chapter or second but ignore that okay sexualities are as they are in the last chapter which means woojin: bi, chan: bi, minho: gay, changbin: pan, hyunjin: ace and straight, jisung:pan, felix: pan, seungmin: pan, innie: ace doesn't put a label on anything else, also babyshark sexual lmao  
> anyways thats it! i probably gave out a bunch of other info in the previous chapters so if theres anything wrong tell me plz? or just like ignore it and...yeah rip
> 
> anyways stay safe everyone <3 (please comment i beg of you i need comments im lonely and need validation on this piece of shit)


	15. Kittens and Makeovers Plus Mentions of Chan's Abs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nebelunggie: you’re stuck with us forever
> 
> Scottie: and ever
> 
> Nebelunggie: and ever
> 
> Bombbie: *sigh*  
> Bombbie: such a shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello im procrastinating on geometry again how are ya  
> anyways i wanted to put more sope arc stuff but i ended up not and creating two whole arcs in one chapter this is great. this is absolutely wonderful and not confusing AT ALL. (im so sorry i am such a mess lol)
> 
> have fun~

Tuesday, September 5th

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 6:30am**

Mom: everyone better be up

Floopy Child: i hate life

Mom: why?

Floopy Child: waking up

Floopy Child: fucking sucks

Dad: language hyunjin

Floopy Child: english

Dad: …

Dad: shuh

Dad: now go get ready

Floopy Child: sir yessir

Floopy Child: *salutes*

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 3:01pm**

Problem Child 1: YESSS SCHOOL IS OVER

Problem Child 1: SCREW SCHOOL

Problem Child 1: SCREW GEOMETRY

Cutie Child:...what do you have against geometry wth

Problem Child 1: its useless

Cutie Child: nearly everything taught in school is lmao

Cutie Child: geometry isnt special

Problem Child 1: i mean

Problem Child 1: i hate all of those too so

Cutie Child: *sigh*

Cutie Child: why am i friends with you

Problem Child 1: because you love me

Problem Child 1: love me to bits and piecesss uwuwu

Cutie Child: debatable

Problem Child 1:(*^▽^*)

Cutie Child: >:(

Floopy Child: ayyyy wassup hoes

Cutie Child: lmao woojin hyung’s going to kill you

Dad: someone kill me

Dad: please

Maknae: what happened?

Dad: friends

Wine Aunt: woojin hyung

Wine Aunt: what the _fuck_

Dad: i knowww

Dad: im so sorry 

Dad: did they hurt you?

Wine Aunt: no they didnt ofc they didnt

Wine Aunt: but you need to ditch them hyung

Dad: ik

Dad: im doing it!!

Dad: slowly

Wine Aunt: no what you need to do is you need to walk to to them, swing your ass and kill them goodbye

Dad: …

Dad: idk

Mom: whos ready to die

Mom: im going to _kill_ them

Dad: channie dont!

Dad: you _know_ they don’t like you

Mom: i dont care

Mom: lmao they can do whatever they want

Mom: i do not give a shit whether they approve of me or not 

Mom: so tomorrow i am going to walk over there

Mom: plop onto your lap

Mom: and make out with you

Dad: _oh my god_

Mom: great

Cutie Child: mayhaps chan hyung snapped

Cutie Child: but for real hyung you need to ditch them

Dad: hhhhhhh why is everyone in this chat so nice

Dad: yall shouldnt be taking care of me

Dad: :((

Maknae: shush hyung

Maknae: just because you’re a boomer doesn’t mean that you have to take care of us

Maknae: you can always accept help

Dad: i love you all

Dad: im bringing chicken tomorrow

Dad: to celebrate

Problem Child 2: whats with chicken

Problem Child 2: i heard chicken and children

Cutie Child: that...sounds

Cutie Child: concerning

Problem Child 2: ah

Problem Child 2: yes yes it is rip

Wine Aunt: wait

Wine Aunt: what. About. 

Wine Aunt: my dance kittens

Floopy Child: what?

Mom: wait thats so cute

Wine Aunt: shut

Wine Aunt: hyunjn, me and felix go to the same studio as you

Wine Aunt: what are your days?

Floopy Child: omg we do!!!

Floopy Child: hyung thats so cool

Floopy Child: we might have classes togetherrr

Floopy Child: im a level one

Floopy Child: monday wednesday friday

Wine Aunt: ayyyyy

Wine Aunt: wednesday thursday saturday

Wine Aunt: level three

Floopy Child: omg talented

Floopy Child: we’re in different levels

Floopy Child: but we can still see each other on wednesdaysss!!

Favorite Child: hi i heard dance

Favorite Child: which i have today 

Favorite Child: in like an hour yeet

Floopy Child: felixxx what days are you?

Favorite Child: tuesday wednesday saturday

Favorite Child: level one

Floopy Child: WE HAVE THE SAME WEDNESDAY CLASS

Favorite Child: EYYYYY

Favorite Child: and we’ll be able to see Minho hyung!!!! On wednesdaysss

Wine Aunt: yep

Floopy Child uwuw yay

Wine Aunt: wonderful wonderful

_Lee Minho has created a chat!_

_Lee Minho has names the chat Minho and his Kittens_

_Lee Minho has added Hwang Hyunjin and Lee Felix_

_Lee Minho has renamed Hwang Hyunjin to Nebelunggie_

_Lee Minho has renamed Lee Felix to Scottie_

_Lee Minho has renamed himself to Bombbie_

  
  


**Minho and His Kittens (3) 3:05pm**

Scottie: im australian tho

Bombbie: ...its cat breeds lmao

Scottie:

Scottie: OH

Scottie: that makes so much more sense 

Nebelunggie: what is my name

Bombbie: cat breed!

Bombbie: here ill send pictures

Bombbie:

Bombbie: theres me

Bombbie:

Bombbie: thats hyunjin

Bombbie:

Bombbie: and theres felix!

Scottie: omg this is so cute

Scottie: uwu

Scottie: （‐＾▽＾‐）

Bombbie: c a t s

Nebelunggie: uwuwuwu

Nebelunggie: we’re your kittens now hyungieeee

Nebelunggie: you’re stuck with us forever

Scottie: and ever

Nebelunggie: and _ever_

Bombbie: *sigh*

Bombbie: such a shame

Nebelunggie: Felix actually looks like a cat though

Nebelunggie: like

Nebelunggie:

Nebelunggie: look how cute he is!!!

Scottie: >///<

Bombbie: oh yes yes

Bombbie: that was a wonderful picture

Bombbie: i have more pictures of felix as a cat though

Bombbie: _blackmail_

Scottie: HYUNGGG NO

Nebelunggie: I WANNA SEE

Scottie: noooooo

Bombbie; ;) later

Bombbie: felix go get ready for class smh

Scottie: i have an hour and a half ill be fine

Bombbie: shoo shoo

Scottie: smh fINE IM GOING

Scottie: bye hyunjinnie

Scottie: byee minho hyung

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 3:12pm**

Floopy Child: minho really be adopting us 

Wine Aunt: of course

Wine Aunt: i need to stake my claim before the boomers get there

Mom: ...what the heck

Dad: does anyone besides channie wanna come and do makeovers with me?

Dad: and well my mom

Dad: she insists

Dad: im so sorry

Wine Aunt: im free

Wine Aunt: we can ditch channie 

Wine Aunt: and i wanna meet your mom

Wine Aunt: she sounds cool

Dad: wonderful

Dad: come to my house she’s literally a professional hairdresser smh

_Dad has sent an address!_

Wine Aunt: coolll

Wine Aunt: you want me to bring anything?

Dad: hmm

Dad: besides your hot self i dont think we’d need anything else ;)

Wine Aunt: oh my

Wine Aunt: i understand completely, hyung

Wine Aunt: no one can resist my charms ;)

Mom: i-

Mom: what-

Mom: i see how it is woojin

Mom: *sigh*

Dad: lmao im jk

Dad: but i want it o be a surprise for you!

Mom: hhhhhhh

Mom: i will prepare for my death then lmao

Problem Child 1: guys i wanna wear a skirt

Problem Child 1: help

Floopy Child: YOU WOULD LOOK SO PRETTY IN A SKIRT JISUNG

Problem Child 1: idkk

Problem Child 1: i have like one

Problem Child 1: but im shy?? Idk

Cutie Child: jisung wear one omg

Cutie Child: if we had felix he could do your makeupppp

Favorite Child: i have been summoned by the makeup

Favorite Child: TOMORROW

Favorite Child: I DONT HAVE TIME TODAY BUT I AM DOING YOUR MAKEUP TOMORROW

Favorite Child: would you be more comfortable if i wore a skirt too?

Favorite Child: or would that be taking your shine away?

Problem Child 1: ...yes please?

Favorite Child: AIGHT

Favorite Child: i need to leave now sadly but ill send you pics to make sure we match!!!

Favorite Child: byebye everyoneeee <3

Problem Child 2: cute

Problem Child 2: SUNG ARE YOU FINALLY GOING TO WEAR A SKIRT

Problem Child 1: yes?

Problem Child 2: i support this

Problem Child 2: heck felix is wearing one too?

Problem Child 2: and makeup

Problem Child 2: damn the entire school will be wild

Mom: oh true

Mom: boys be careful okay?

Problem Child 2: uwu we will

Floopy Child: jisunggggg we should go shopping!

Floopy Child: ILL PAY

Floopy Child: im picking you up if its okay?

Problem Child 1: okayyyy

Problem Child 1: picking me up?

Floopy Child: o wait

Floopy Child: i cant drive lmao

Floopy Child: i have a bike

Problem Child 1: bikes for the win

Problem Child 1: ill just be waiting outside then lmao

_Problem Child 1 sent an address!_

Cutie Child: waittt i wanna come

Cutie Child: lets meet at jisung’s house

Cutie Child: i need to get crop tops

Mom: oh my goodness

Mom: yall better be wearing smth under those crop tops

Cutie Child: yes ofc

Cutie Child: we arent like _you_ hyung

Mom: what-

Cutie Child: showcase

Mom: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT

Cutie Child: the entire city knows about it hyung

Cutie Child: you go to the most famous school

Cutie Child: which has the most famous showcase

Cutie Child: which they stream every year

Mom: oh heck

Mom: kill me now

Dad: hi please dont die i enjoyed that goodbye

Mom: huivgvbsjwefg8wehbbc

Mom: _im just going to um finish my homework now and write lyrics so i can die_

Problem Child 2: WRITE ANOTHER WOW PLEASE

Mom: ABSOLUTELY _NOT_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my chapters are getting shorterrrrr but its okay since im actually updating! chatfics are fun! i dont feel like writing anything else so i wont! woo! i also want to die! woo! 
> 
> also thank you amy for the cat breeds! i want the maknae line in skirts please someone draw them or put them in skirts ESPECIALLY JISUNG OKAY especially him seungsungjin are cute as heck uwu
> 
> stay safe and thank you for reading this even though it is most definately a Mess! <3


	16. Chan Dies In This One (rip)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wine Aunt: he looks snatched
> 
> Mom: he is snatched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i. love. kim. seokjin. KING
> 
> have fun~

Tuesday September 5th

**we be thicc (2) 3:15pm**

snacc: innie

snacc: what are we gonna do

snacc: are we staging an intervention or letting them tell us themselves?

snatched: i think we should wait?

snatched: if we pressure them then idk it might not be good??

snatched: like i dont want it to turn out terribly just because they weren’t dating

snacc: aight

snacc: but we’re plotting here?

snatched: always

snacc: wonderful

snacc: i will just say that she looks...much happier now

snatched: he does too

snatched: but now he’s started playing his supposed “victory” song which is ego

snatched: he’s playing ego all day when he gets home ITS ANNOYING

snacc: lmaoooo

snacc: good luck jeongin

snatched: ill try not to die honestly

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 3:31pm**

Wine Aunt: im at ur house wooj

Dad: comingggg

Dad: okay!!

Woojin yanked the door open, struggling a bit. “We need to oil the door!” He yelled over his shoulder. Hearing his mom’s confirmations, Woojin opened the door to find Minho. “Hi Minho, come in, come in.” 

Minho whistled as he walked in. “Damn, hyung this is huge.” Woojin laughed. “It really is. There’s only three of us now, so it’s a bit empty sometimes.” Minho nodded. “Your brother went to college?” “Yeah. Two years ago. He still visits though, on holidays.” He led Minho to the kitchen, where Jin was wiping the counter. “Hello Minho!” She greeted. Minho bowed. “Hello.”

Woojin snorted, ushering Minho to sit next to him on the counter. Woojin’s legs swung against the seat idly. Minho snorted, bringing his phone up. “Hyung, look here~” Woojin looked up, just as Minho snapped a picture of him. 

“What are you doing Minho?” Woojin jumped off the counter and tackled Minho as the younger cackled. “I’m trying to kill Chan, hyung. Duh” “What the heck?”

**Crackhead Family (9) 3:36pm**

Wine Aunt: chan

Wine Aunt: get ready to die

Mom: WHAT WHY

Problem Child 2: i thought you were producing

Mom: shut up

Wine Aunt: ur bf looks cute as hell

Wine Aunt:

Wine Aunt: such a cutie

Mom: oh heckcgdcslsvycwivy

Mom: thank you im deceased goodbye ill see you in hell

Woojin smacked Minho on the head lightly, reading over his shoulder. “You killed him, Minho, now who am I going to kiss?” Minho made a show of gagging before spinning around so he was in Woojin’s arms. He wiggled his eyebrows teasingly. “You could kiss me, you know.” More eyebrown wiggles for emphasis. 

Woojin snorted and pushed him away. “No way, Minho. And besides, I thought you liked Jisung?” Minho shrugged. “It was a joke, hyung, I don’t like you like that, even though I’m sure that if you  _ did _ kiss me I would enjoy it very much.” Woojin coughed, choking on his tea. “And yeah, I think Jisungie’s cute but that may as well be because he’s a tiny little 13 year old going through puberty.”

Woojin hummed. “That’s true. Very true. Jisung seems to like you though.” Minho shrugged again. “It may as well be him looking up to me because I’m hot and I’m cool and I’m a boomer.” Woojin burst out laughing. “That-that might actually be the truth, goddamn Minho.”

Jin tapped her knuckles on the countertop.

“As much as I would love to hear you both talk about 13 year olds going through puberty, Woojin get your flat ass over here so I can make you hot.” 

Minho choked. 

“Mom! What the heck?” Jin smirked, gesturing Woojin towards her. He grumbled but jumped on top of the counter anyways. “And I don’t have a flat ass.” Jin smacked him lightly. “You do.” “I do not. And if I do, then I got it from you, Mom. You’re the reason Tae-hyung doesn’t have an ass and you know it.” Jin gasped. “Woojin, honey bear, the love of my life-” “Dad’s the love of your life Mom, wait Minho why are you recording this?”

Minho grinned. “Blackmail, duh.” Jin highfived him over Woojin’s head. “Keep this one, Woojinnie. I like him.” Woojin rolled his eyes. “Of course  _ you _ would like him.”

“What occasion is this for?” Jin asked, dumping a bag full of hair products on the counter. Woojin straightened a fallen bleach bottle before shrugging. “Does it have to be for something special?” “Are you finally getting rid of those idiot friends of yours?” She asked. 

Minho grinned as Woojin’s face soured. “Why are you psychic.” Jin cooed, pinching her son’s cheeks. “I’m your mother, it’s my job to be psychic, darling. Anyways, since you’re ditching them-” “I didn’t even  _ say _ we were ditching them!” “Since we are ditching them, we should go bold. Make you hot. Like me.” Minho snickered, still recording Woojin’s demise. 

“Hyung, I think we should aim to kill Chan hyung. If you manage to make him faint that means you’re hot enough.” Jin gasped, pointing at Minho. “Your mind works in wonderous ways, Lee Minho.” Minho bowed.

Woojin grumbled. “I should never have asked someone to come with me all this is doing is furthering Minho’s blackmail stash.” Minho giggled and blew him a kiss.

**Two hours and a bottle of bleach later:**

Woojin ran a hand through his hair, awed by how soft it was. Jin stood behind him proudly, running her hand through her son’s hair. “I did a good job, didn’t I?” She said, suddenly taking pictures of him from avery angle. 

Minho nodded. “Hyung, you look  _ snatched _ . Chan’s gonna die~” Woojin huffed. “He isn’t going to die, he’ll just be surprised. Or he might not even be surprised because they all knew I was going to do something with my hair and-” “If he doesn’t at least shut down for thirty seconds you’re breaking up with him.” Jin firmly said. 

Woojin choked on air again. “ _ Mom _ ” Jin shrugged. “You look wonderful, darling. He should appreciate his boyfriend, don’t you think?”

Minho nods frantically. “Lukcily for you, hyung, Chan is probably going to go into shock or something and gay panic because he’s an idiot like that. You have nothing to worry about.” “I have  _ everything _ to worry about.” Woojin bemoaned. 

Minho shrugged. “Smile.” Woojin flipped him off. 

“So. Now, for you, Minho. What color would you like?”

Woojin cackled and brought out his phone to record.

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 5:41pm**

Wine Aunt: chans gonna die 

Wine Aunt: im here for it

Mom: oh god

Mom: im preparing myself

Wine Aunt: he looks snatched

Mom: he  _ is _ snatched

Wine Aunt: lmao

Wine Aunt: 

Mom: oh

Mom: oh 

Mom: oh fuck

Mom: ohmy cheouichndfucking goddfudnksuefgiufjehjeh

Mom: i

Mom: i need some time

Mom: to um

Mom: cry

Mom: and wonder what i did to deserve this angel of a man

Mom: who looks so fucking good with blonde hair like what for why dhwyw c

Mom: woojin i love you bby you look so good and i wanna kiss you whweree are ydoin

Mom: there are tearss tsreaming down my face im supposed to be teaching rosie math and doing 

Mom: math 

Mom: myself because hechakoeh

Mom: ohnvo

Mom: hi this is rose channie oppa’s curled into a call crying 

Mom: he’s shut down

Mom: tell woojin oppa i miss him and that he looks snatched with the blonde hair!

Mom: channie oppa says that he is snatched lmao okay

Dad: hi rosie!!

Dad: ill come by soon enough!   
Dad: tell chan to come to my house!!

Mom: okayyy

Dad: alright minho its your turn

Wine Aunt: brb boutta die

Wine Aunt: hopefully my cats still love me after this tragedy

Dad: ur gonna look snatched

  
Wine Aunt: *even more snatched than usual

Dad: whateverrr

  
  


**Timeskip brought to you by Chia’s procrastination skillz woo**

**(** that was so cringey i sound like a boring 13 yr old teenage girl who thinks she unique ew)

(r/notlikeothergirls)

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 7:35pm**

Dad: whoever thinks lee minho is hot

Dad: prepare yourselves

Problem Child 1: what

Problem Child 1: why

Problem Child 1: also chan hyung literally wrote another wow 

Mom: SHUT

Dad: i still need to hear that by the way

Mom: NEVER

Dad: mhm

Dad: anyways

Dad: 

Dad: for some reason he decided to pose in front of my dad’s poster thing

Wine Aunt: i look like a penny

Wine Aunt: but at least it’s a hot penny 

Problem Child 1: oh wow

Problem Child 1: you look rlly good hyung!!!

Wine Aunt: :)

Wine Aunt: thank you jisungie

Wine Aunt: wait did you buy your skirts yet

Problem Child 1: we did :D

Favorite: AYYYY THATS LEE MINHO

Favorite: MY MOTHER’S FAVORITE CHILD

Favorite: AUNTIE SANA’S TREASURE BABY

Wine Aunt: felix  _ no _

Favorite: FELIX YES

Favorite: also sungie ive decided ;)

Problem Child 1: uwu

Wine Aunt: ew woochan are disgusting

Wine Aunt: @Mom @Dad

Wine Aunt: keep your horny asses away from me

Problem Child 1: WHAT

Wine Aunt: they’re making out!

Wine Aunt: it’s a tragedy!

Mom: WE’RE KISSING

  
Wine Aunt: bitch you better be sure i saw that tongue

Mom: what the heckk

Dad: lmao

Dad: he isnt wrong

Mom: WHAT TEH FUCJKD

Mom: i 

Mom: idk life anymore

Favorite: mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so we can either have the next chapter be the boys shopping for skirts on bikes and making a complete mess of themselves OR we can continue along with the plot and the next chapter can be woojin ditching his friends!   
> its yours to choose everyone so plz comment :D  
> anyways stay safe everyone and happy 4th of July to all my Americans out there!! woo!!
> 
> SSP:  
> \- cuppa updated today check it out if you wish!!


	17. Skirt Shopping Seungjin rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minnie: thank you  
> Minnie: now get your head out of your phone before i crash into your floopy ass
> 
> Jinnie: wait what  
> Jinnie: asjsdcscniwdgves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly they barely actually shop for skirts in this lmao i dont know how to write fluff anymore i am in a Sad mood but WHATEVER ITS OKAY ;-; i apologize for low quality content im tire'd. 
> 
> have fun~

Tuesday September 5th

  * boyos are shopping for skirts yeet



**00Line Rise! (4) 3:30pm**

Jinnie: han jisung where are you

Jinnie: get your flat ass outside right now

Sungie: excuse you 

Sungie: my ass is great

Minnie: im almsot theree

Jinnie: YOU’RE STILL BIKING?

Minnie: ya

Minnie: why?

  
Sungie: omg seungmin’s a legend

Jinnie: no texting while biking sir

Minnie: im using siri

Minnie: the voice thing

Jinnie: o

Jinnie: okay makes sense

Jinnie: be safe!!

Minnie: will do uwu

Sungie: ope

Lixie: yeeters skeeters 

Lixie: woot

Jinnie: hallo felix

Lixie: yo

Minnie: do you not have dance class

Lixie: are you not on a bike

Minnie: touche`

Lixie: :D

Lixie: but yea i do

Lixie: i should probably go woo

Lixie: time to piss off my dance teacher even more by doing fortnite dances for an hour straight

Sungie: taste

Jinnie: taste

Jinnie: oh i found a han jisung

Jinnie: how do i put him back

Minnie: IM ALMOST THERE SIRI MAKE SURE TO MAKE THIS CAPITALIZED FOR EMPHASIS

Minnie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jinnie: what the heck??

Sungie: AHHAA I CAN HEAR HIM SCREECHING

Sungie: seungmin what happened i thought you were the calm, silent type

Minnie: i had a lot of pent up frustration

Minnie: i didnt know it would be that loud

Jinnie: your voice is nice

Minnie: thank you

Minnie: now get your head out of your phone before i crash into your floopy ass

Jinnie: wait what

Jinnie: asjsdcscniwdgves

Sungie:

Sungie:

  
  


**Crackhead Family (9) 3:39pm**

_ Problem Child 1 has renamed the chat to Crackhead Family ™  _

**Crackhead Family ™ (9) 3:39pm**

Problem Child 1: so seungmin just crashed into hyunjin

Problem Child 1: and now they’re both sprawled on the ground in front of my house

Problem Child 1: both of their phones are safe which is the good part

Mom: gen z

Problem Child 1: shut up boomer

Mom: this is homophobic

Wine Aunt: your bilingual ass could never

Wine Aunt: *bisexual

Wine Aunt: i meant bisexual

Wine Aunt: but it works anyways

Mom: this is chanphobic

Wine Aunt:  _ christopher _

Mom: ahhhhhhhhhsdcgshas

Mom: nOooOOoOOOooOOOooo

Wine Aunt: ew aussies

Floopy Child: AUSSIES

Problem Child 1: aw hell no

Floopy Child: shut up

Cutie Child: my phone isnt cracked

Cutie Child: what a blessing

Floopy Child: WHAT IF MY HEAD WAS CRACKED

Cutie Child: but like...my phone

Mom: gen z pt2

Problem Child 1: shut up boomer pt 2

Mom: this is chanphobic

Mom: go buy skirts or whatever

Wine Aunt: what if we got woojin into a skirt

Dad: pls no

Mom: i would die

Mom: i would ascend to heaven

Mom: or into hell

Wine Aunt: what if we put Chan in a skirt

Dad: ;)

Dad: hell yes

Floopy Child: well this escalated quickly

  
  


Jisung drags his own bike out from the bushes, setting it upright. He has a backpack on his back, but it looks odd without anything inside it. 

“Are you ready to _ride_?” Jisung yells, taking a cowboy hat out of his backpack and slamming on his head. Seungmin’s recording him. Did they plan this?  
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWW BABY!” Jisung screams, pedalling off into the distance. Hyunjin squints, shielding his face with a hand. Seungmin groans. “I hope he never says that again otherwise I’ll have to yeet him off a cliff.”

Hyunjin nods. 

“Yeet.”

\---

Jisung giggles, hiding behind Seungmin as he slides along the aisle towards Hyunjin, who is looking at a shirt. 

Jisung is a ninja. He is powerful. He is stealthy. He is Natsu from Fairy Tail. 

_ Whoosh _ .

He is also a clumsy idiot because he trips over his own feet and crashes into Hyunjin, who screeches demonically as they both fall to the ground. Seungmin is snickering down at them, eyes twinkling in his eyes. “Now who’s on the floor?” Hyunjin pouts, whining. “You already crashed into me once, Seungminnie, why did you have to make  _ this  _ fatass crash into me too?”

Jisung gasps and jumps on Hyunjin a little, making the elder choke. “Jisung!” He hisses, crying to push the squirrel faced boy off him. 

“Take it back!” Jisung shrieks, face dangerously close to Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin groans, looking up into Jisung’s eyes. Seungmin falters. “Fine. Your ass isn’t fat, it’s flat, now get off of me.” Jisung tackles him and mercilessly tickles the older boy’s sides. Seungmin laughs loudly before joining in, skimming his hands over Hyunjin’s sides in a way that makes him breathless. 

Seungmin, for some reason, feels his heart flip at the sight. 

\---

“Why are all of these so expensive?” Jisung mutters, holding out a pink skirt in front of him and scrutinising it carefully. Hyunjin shrugs, hands in his pockets. “I don’t know. Buy as many as you want, though. Don’t worry about the price.”

Jisung whips towards Hyunjin, a shocked expression on his face. Hyunjin frowns. The skirts aren’t  _ that _ expensive. “Hyunjin! You can’t just- buy all of this for me!” Hyunjin shrugs. “Yes I can. Don’t worry, Jisung, my family’s loaded. This won’t do a thing.” Jisung’s eyes bug out of his poor sockets. “What.”

Seungmin comes bounding over, looking like an excitable and holding five shirts, all cropped sweaters. “Which three should I buy?” Hyunjin took the sweaters out of his hands and looked through them. “Why not buy all of them?” He asked. Seungmin gaped. “Do you know how much these cost? I don’t want to spend all my money on these!” Hyunjin frowned. “I’m paying though.”

Seungmin spluttered. “What? No-No you aren’t.” Hyunjin nodded slowly. “Yes I am. I’m paying for everything today.” Jisung frowned. “What?” Hyunjin put the sweaters and the skirts in their bag. “Yeah. Think of it as an early birthday present.” “Our birthdays are like two weeks away, Hyunjin!” Hyunjin shrugged. “It’s fine, you guys. Really. I bought Felix more makeup already.” He lifted a small bag and shook it slightly. 

“That-that is not the problem at hand, Hyunjin.” Seungmin said. He had gone over to stand beside Jisung, both of them wearing identical pouts on their faces. Cute. “I don’t see any problems with this, though.” Hyunjin smirks. 

“Anyways, feel free to get more stuff!” Hyunjin sayd, waving around his card. Jisung and Seungmin’s eyes follow it. “Hyunjin, you’re going to get robbed one day.” Hyunjin makes a face. “Robbers are gross. I’m not going to get robbed, I take money very seriously.”

Seungmin scoffed. “You’re offering to buy us whatever you want in this entire store. A very expensive store.” Hyunjin grins. “I’m using my money to buy my friends clothes. It’s a very serious reason.” They blush. 

“Okay, well, I don’t want anything else, so you can ring...all of that up.” Jisung says, avoiding Hyunjin’s gaze. Hyunjin rolls his eyes and hands the bag to Seungmin, who clutches it to his chest protectively. Hyunjin walks along the aisles, occasionally picking up a few items of clothing. Eventually he seems satisfied enough, and dumps the extra clothes he bought into the bag. 

Hyunjin turns on his heel gracefully (you can tell he’s a dancer) and glides over to the counter as Seungmin and Jisung squeak and trail after him. Hyunjin smiles charmingly at the worker there, making small talk as he pays for their clothing. 

“Hello Mr.Hyunjin!” The lady greets. She seems homely, with a round face and rounder cheeks. (She reminds Jisung of Ururaka but he isn’t going to tell anyone that.) “Hi Jihyo noona!” Hyunjin smiles, pushing the bag towards her. “How are you?” Jihyo asks, sliding all the items out of the bag to scan them. Hyunjin shrugs. “I’m alright. All of this is for two of my friend’s birthdays, so that’s good! I have friends now, noona, can you believe it?” He laughs. 

Jihyo rolls her eyes, patting him on the head and ruffling his hair. “That’s wonderful, Hyunjinnie.” She smiles warmly at Jisung and Seungmin, who are hiding behind Hyunjin. This is unfamiliar territory. Rich People Land. It’s scary. Hyunjin is tall. He is broad. He is...tree. 

“I’m assuming you two are the birthday boys?” They nod. Jihyo seems nice. She probably  _ is _ nice. “Well, I know you don’t need it Hyunjin, but I’ll give a discount. Those two look like they’re going to faint from all of the money in here.” She snorts. 

Hyunjin rolls his eyes, wrapping an arm around both Seungmin and Jisung, pulling them into his sides. “They’ve never been here before.” Jihyo nods. “Not many people have, Hyujin. Remember that.” That must be why the store seems to be fairly empty. And why no one has asked them why they, three teenage males, are buying skirts. Pink, plaid skirts. And crop tops. From the women’s section. (They always have the softest clothes, Seungmin is  _ jealous _ .)

(It’s never occured to Seungmin that buying from the women’s section is bad. His parents never cared, always encouraging him to do what he loves. And wear what he loves. Seungmin has grown up wearing soft sweaters and soft jeans. He’s worn countless skirts and dresses, his mother’s desire to have a girl not gone unnoticed. He knows everything about braids and how to make fashionable knots so that your shirt is tighter. He knows how to sew. 

It never occurred to him that he  _ shouldn’t _ . In seventh grade he realized that he was different. He stopped wearing skirts. In eighth grade he felt lonely. In eight grade he learned how to  _ not care _ . On the last day of eight grade he went to school in full makeup, hair braided (as well as he could, given the length of it), pink skirt swishing around his waist. 

The girls never cared. They welcomed him, asked him to braid their hair, to paint their nails, to give them make up tips. He stopped trying to fit in as a normal boy in eighth grade. 

Now, in high school, Seungmin still feels a pang of uneasiness whenever he goes shopping, when his eyes inevitably stray over to the women’s section, the high rise jeans and the make up and the sweaters catching his eye. The silk dresses, the short skirts. He wanted all of that. 

Here, with Hyunjin and Jisung here with him, he feels safe.)

\---

They end up making it back to Jisung’s house at 5. Jisung’s bag doesn’t look empty anymore, now that it actually has clothes in it. 

Jisung smiles his heart shaped smile and waves at them, leaning his bike carefully against the wall and disappearing inside. 

Hyunjin and Seungmin are left alone in the middle of the street. The sun isn’t setting, so he can’t use the excuse “oh-it’s-golden-hour-that’s-why-he-looks-so-pretty”. Seungmin doesn’t think it’s fair to be that pretty. Pretty people should be arrested. 

“Then that means that you’d be in jail first.” Hyunjin says. 

Seungmin’s eyes widen. Did he say that out loud?

Hyunjin smiles warmly at him. The sun still isn’t setting. It’s at a terrible angle really, but somehow, Hyunjin still looks like a model.  _ At fourteen years old _ . 

“After all, Seungmin, I doubt anyone will be able to survive seeing angels like you.” There’s a weird pause after his statement, in which both Hyunjin and Seungmin are frozen. It’s nothing like the shows he’s watched or the books he’s read. 

Hyunjin waves him goodbye awkwardly and pedals off into the distance. Seungmin thinks that he can see him nearly fall off his bike, but that may as well be Seungmin’s imagination. 

**Underworld Much? (2) 5:15pm**

Satan (seungmin): jeongin

Satan: what does it mean when someone calls you an angel

Satan: and then drives off into the distance furiously 

Satan: looking terribly beautiful

Satan: did you know im gay

Baby (jeongin): yes i did know that you’re gay hyung

Baby: also my username doesnt even match the name of the chat wth

_ Baby has changed his name to Demon _

Demon: better

Demon: it means that they are interested in you

Demon: is it hyunjin hyung

Satan: …

Satan: how did you know?

Demon: hyung

Demon: you went shopping with hyunjin and jisung hyungs

Demon: do you really think jisung hyung would say smth like that?

Demon: to you especially?

Satan: what does that mean???

Demon: it means that he’s kinda attracted to someone else and it isnt you lmao

Satan: oh

Satan: i see

Satan: help what do i do im kinda really gay

Satan: why is he so  _ pretty _ innie????

Demon: because he won the genetic lottery

Satan: he did

Satan: yes

Demon: you need to be less emotionally constipated

Satan: how does one do that

Demon: by talking to him

Demon: become better friends with him hyung

Demon: it can be a friends to lovers au

Satan: what the heck???

  
Demon: nothing

Satan: do we need to have another fourth wall funeral cause honestly….

Demon: *sigh*

Demon: we shall see in the future

Satan: cool

  
  


_ Hwang Hyunjin has made a chat! _

_ Hwang Hyunjin has named the chat the wild wild wilderness _

_ Hwang Hyunjin has added Bang Chan and Kim Woojin _

_ Hwang Hyunjin has renamed himself to llama _

_ Hwang Hyunjin has rename Bang Chan to kangaroo _

_ Hwang Hyunjin has renamed Kim Woojin to bear _

**the wild wild wilderness (3) 5:19pm**

llama: i

llama: have a dilemma

bear: did you call seungmin an angel and then pedal away

llama: yes

llama: how did you know

bear: i just did

bear: don’t question it

  
  


**chan sucks (2) 5:21pm**

boyfriend (woojin): thank you innie

boyfriend: i owe you...so much

son (jeongin): yes you do hyung

son: you are very welcome

son: i expect lots of cuddles and chicken

boyfriend: of course

  
  


**the wild wild wilderness (3) 5:22pm**

llama: its just like

llama: im straight

llama: for the romantic thing anyways

llama: so idk

llama: idk if i like him or if hes just rlly cute and ilke him but hes so sweet and idek know him that well

llama: :((

kangaroo: awww

kangaroo: its okay hyunjin!

kangaroo: and if you  _ are _ biromantic or panromantic or anything we’ll still accept you!

kangaroo: okay??

kangaroo: so just take your time to sort through your feelings

bear: yes what he said

bear: take some time

bear: hug someone

bear: hug a tree

llama: i am a tree

bear: hug yourself hyunjin

bear: you’re valid either way

llama: :(( okayy

llama: but like

llama: what if he thinks im weird?

  
  


**Underworld Much? (2) 5:23pm**

Satan: just….hes heteroromantic

Satan: what if he thinks im weird?

Satan: what if he hates me???

Demon: he wont hate you hyung

Demon: and he might even be bi or pan or idk

Demon: theres always a chance

Satan: WHAT IF HE HATES ME???

  
  


**the wild wild wilderness(3) 5:24pm**

llama: okay but

llama: WHAT IF HE HATES ME????

  
  


**chan sucks (2) 5:25pm**

boyfriend: oh my god

son: oh my god

boyfriend: *sigh*

son: *sigh*

  
  


**Crackhead Family ™ (9) 5:25pm**

Maknae: someone help us we are a mess

Dad: *sigh*

Cutie Child: INNIE

Floopy Child: WOOJIN HYUNG

Cutie Child: ….

Floopy Child: hi angel

Cutie Child: omg its happened heck heck heck

Cutie Child: haha

Cutie Child: hi uwu

Cutie Child: ur kind pretty yy

Floopy Child: O_o uwu

Favorite Child: gday mates

Favorite Child: today we have: seungjin in their natural habitat

Favorite Child: they are experienceing the

Favorite Child: the flirtation temption

Favorite Child: stay tuned for more on Crackhead Family **™**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet  
> seungjin rise  
> im tired. math has made my brain frazzled honestly geometry sucks so much. also this is probably not a Correct high school experience but it will get more accurate once i actually manage to..get to high school lmao but ye. tis not accurate. ALSO WHY IS HIS 30k ALREADY ITS ONLY BEEN LIKE A WEEK IN THE ACTUAL FIC TF (btw im going to try to continue this throughout my hell days (which means hs yay fun) so uh stay tuned for at least four more years? lmao) but yeah lol  
> if anyone hates math like i do please comment. and plot ideas. i have the next couple arcs planned out vaguely but i could always use more yanno :D  
> OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT BUT THANK YOU FOR 2K HITS AND 100+ KUDOS I LOVE YOU ALL EVEN IF MOST OF YOU DONT COMMENT BUT ITS OKAY  
> aLSO ARA MADE AN AO3 account she's part of the cult now (check my bio for the full deets) @joonhearted HI ARA IF YOU READ THIS I LOVE YOU
> 
> stay safe everyone <3
> 
> ALSO COMMENT THE ONLY REASON I EVEN POST BEFORE I SLEEP IS SO THAT I CAN WAKE UP TO COMMENTS EVEN IF THEY SAY "hi im bob ur dumb" or "yellow yellow" OR ANythinG PLS COMMENT IM LONELY AND SAD AND GAY AND DEPRESSED *screams*
> 
> *ahem* but ye


	18. l8r h8rs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dad: i was told to look extra snatched so
> 
> Mom: no one told you that
> 
> Dad: shush 
> 
> Mom: :((
> 
> Wine Aunt: tea 🍵

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ASDFGHJHHFGJHDKJF IM SO SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING ON YOU GUYS ITS BEEN MORE THAN TEN DAYS I THOUGHT IT HAD ONLY BEEN THREE IM SORRY ;-;   
> but anyways someone get's pretty touchy feely with Woojin without his permission. It's not really important so you can skip it if you wish! The scene starts from: "Woojin can feel Mingyu’s eyes on him, raking over his body hungrily. He’s tired of it" and ends with: "Woojin, in all honesty, has had quite enough."  
> i'll put a // in front of the sentence and // after its over just in case :D stay safe everyone
> 
> also the chapter title makes me so mAD EUGHH
> 
> have fun~

Wednesday, September 5th

**Crackhead Family ™ (9) 6:30am**

Mom: things to call your boyfriend:

Mom: sugar

Mom: honey

Mom: flour

Mom: egg

Mom: salt

Mom: 1tbs of butter

Wine Aunt: stir thoroughly

Wine Aunt: pour into baking pan

Mom: we forgot to preheat the oven

Wine Aunt: we dont need to do anything im hot enough ;)

Dad: Episode 5 of Crackhead Family...my boyfriend cheats on me with the Wine Aunt

Dad: i’m calling a divorce

Dad: kim woojin is now a single man

Mom: noooo

Dad: *sigh*

Wine Aunt: okay shut up and stop flirting you two

Wine Aunt: (but woojin you can always hmu)

Mom:  _ ;-; _

Favorite Child: JISUNGIE SEUNGMINNIEEEEEEEEE

Favorite Child: GET OVER HERE SO I CAN DO YOUR mAKEUP AND PUT YOU BOTH IN PRETTY SKIRTS

Favorite Child: IM ALREADY DONE OMG IDC HOW YOU LOOK GET THE HELL OVER HERE

_ Favorite Child sent an address! _

Problem Child 1: what

Problem Child 1: OH THAT OH YEAH OKAY IM COMING

Problem Child 1: coming by bike again

Problem Child 2: will you be able to get there in time with your skinny legs tho?

Problem Child 1: LEAVE MY LEGS ALONE ASSHOLE

Problem Child 2: never

Problem Child 1: heart 💔 been broke 📉 so many times ⏰ i don’t know 🤔 what to believe 💯 mama 👩❤️💋👩 said 🗣 it’s my fault 😢 it’s my fault 🤦🏻♀️i wear my heart ❤️ on my sleeve 💪 i think it’s best 👍🏻 I put my heart ❤️ on ice 🧊

Problem Child 2: PLS NO MY EYES

Cutie Child: oh!! im coming!

Cutie Child: （￣︶￣）↗ 

Cutie Child: uwu

Floopy Child: !!! omg kaomojis!

Cutie Child: ya apparantly windows has a bunch of them

Cutie Child: you have to press the windows button and the period button and there's a whole ass list its beautiful i spent too many of my years not knowing this

Cutie Child: i was yesterday years old when i found out lol

Floopy Child: uwu cuteee

Floopy Child: i didnt know that lmao 

Floopy Child: suddenly i respect windows that much more :D

Cutie Child: hhhh >///<

Cutie Child: i dont use them a lot tho since it takes a bit long to find but still!! cute uwu

Floopy Child: very cute

Favorite Child: STOP FLIRTING AND GET YOUR FLAT ASSES OVER HERE NOW

Floopy Child: says the one with a flat ass

Favorite Child: HEY

Favorite Child: this is bullying :(((

Favorite Child: :(( pizza hyungieeeeeee

Favorite Child:

Floopy Child:

Cutie Child:

Favorite Child: hmm

Favorite Child: *ahem*

Favorite Child: PIZZA HYUNG

Favorite Child: @seo changbin

Problem Child 2: why did someone @ me

Problem Child 2: oh its you felix

Problem Child 2: what did you need?

  
  


**Help (2) 6:36am**

Minho:  _ whipped _

Changbin: shut your mouth

Minho: ;)

**Crackhead Family ™ (9) 6:36pm**

Favorite Child: hyunjinnie’s bullying me :(

Problem Child 2: hyunjin don’t bully felix even if his ass is flatter than a pancake, you have no room to talk

Favorite Child: HEY

Favorite Child: :((

Cutie Child: yall hear smth?

Favorite Child: ～( TロT)σ

Floopy Child: (yes pri i stole this from you it took me ages to find you meanie)

Cutie Child: suddenly my respect for you has gone up 110%

Floopy Child: o(*￣▽￣*)ブ

Cutie Child: \\(￣︶￣*\\)

Favorite Child: (* ￣3)(ε￣ *)

Floopy Child: FELIX

Cutie Child: FELIX

Favorite Child: ;) dont think i dont knowww

Floopy Child: WAIT WHAT YOU KNOW 

Cutie Child: WHATY JHDF

Floopy Child: angel you good?

Cutie Child: HWANT SGHEGDHJ

Favorite Child: i dont know anything but i see theres smth to know!! 

Favorite Child: wonderful!

Favorite Child: now get over here or else

Cutie Child: sdfghjkkhgfsghdhgdsfkwefrfcdhmsdgdgjcdwteituhxkcncbchfhfuudedfghjfuckfucsjfjfuccckk

Dad: language

Cutie Child:  _ im on my way _

Dad: oh yes im supposed to be dressing nicely for today

Dad: *sigh*

Mom: 0_0

Mom:  _ thats right you are _

Dad: thats creepy

Mom: :((

Wine Aunt: <33

Dad: <33

Mom: ……

Wine Aunt: :((

Mom: *sigh*

Mom: <33

Wine Aunt: !!!

Wine Aunt: <33

Wine AUnt: :D

  
  


**Just a Nice Guy With a Lotta Money (2) 6:40am**

Nice Guy: shit hes cute

A Lotta Money: shit hes cute

Nice Guy:....

A Lotta Money: ...good to know we’re on the same page then ;)

Nice Guy: heh

  
  


**Help (2) 6:40am**

Minho: i dont like them

Minho: i dont 

Minho: i like jisung

Changbin: you dont like jisung

Minho: i dont like jisung

Minho: i dont like anyone

Minho: yes. 

Minho: i dont like anyone

Changbin: you like them

Minho: i can’t like them, theyre in a relationship

Changbin: you have the beginnings of a crush on them

Minho: i just think theyre all cute

Minho: i think jisung's cute too 

Changbin: you think all three are cute?

Minho: yes

Minho: i dont know what to do with myself I DONT LIKE ANY OF THEM I WILL LOVE MY CATS AND ONLY MY CATS

Changbin: sure jan

  
  


**Crackhead Family ™ (9) 6:50am**

Floopy Child: okayy im here!!

Cutie Child: coming in about a minute

Floopy Child: are you using siri again?

Cutie Child: duh

Floopy Child: be safe angel

Cutie Child: oh my god what the fuckj he cant do that he cant do that no he cant its nOt good

Cutie CHild: NOT GOOD AT AL AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Cutie Child: wait siri

Cutie Child: NO SIRI DONT SEND THAT

Cutie Child: BAD SIRI BAD SIRI

Floopy Child: 0_0

Cutie Child:  _ im so sorry _

  
Floopy Child: dont be sorry!!

Floopy Child: heh

Wine Aunt: 

Dad: WHY DO YOU HAVE MEMES OF ME

Wine Aunt: ;)

Wine Aunt: for Purposes 

Problem Child 1: owo?

Mom: oh my god

Mom: saved

Dad: chan!!

Mom: :D

Mom: i have boyfriend rights you can't do anything about this

Dad: i hate you

Cutie Child: okay im here now get your floopy ass out of your phone before i slam into you again i don't feel like running you over today okay

Problem Child 1: dejavu…

Favorite Child 1: - Dreamcatcher (and Nu’est W)

Favorite Child: dw no one hurt themselves this time

Favorite Child: sadly

Cutie Child: sadly. 

Favorite Child: such a pity :D

Cutie Child: *sigh*

Favorite Child: OKAY PEOPLE LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dad: i was told to look extra snatched so

Mom: no one told you that

Dad: shush 

Mom: :((

Wine Aunt: tea 🍵

Dad: anyways

Dad:

Dad: yeah is that okay?

Wine Aunt: o_O

Wine Aunt: damn hyung you look snatched

Mom:  _ oh my god _

Mom:  _ how is that mine _

Dad: because of a miracle

Mom: heh 

Mom: you really aren’t wrong…

Dad: ?

Mom: nothing

Mom: but you look really really really really  _ really _ good woojinnie uwu

Dad: :D

Maknae: hello everyone

Maknae: 

Maknae: if that isn’t the most woochan image ive seen then idk what is

Maknae: 

Maknae: and this is the hyung line

Maknae: channie hyung, woojin hyung, minho hyung :D

Wine Aunt: oh my

Mom: 0_0

Dad: awwwwww~

Dad: cUt e

Mom: :D

Dad: okay bye everyone i have to go practice being confident

Wine Aunt: mood

  
  


**Just a Nice Guy With A Lotta Money Woo! (2) 7:00am**

Nice Guy: hey

Nice Guy: woojin 

Lotta Money: yeah?

Nice Guy: you’re okay right?

Nice Guy: with doing this?

Nice Guy: it just never occured that i never actually  _ asked _ you lmao

Lotta Money: ….

Lotta Money: god you’re amazing

Nice Guy: what

Lotta Money: nothing nothing

Lotta Money: but to answer your question, yes

Lotta Money: yeah i want this 

Lotta Money: itll be better for everyone 

Nice Guy: you’re okay with like telling everyone we’re dating?

Lotta Money: ofc i am

Lotta Money: im not going to pass up the chance to show you off, baby

Nice Guy: >////<

Lotta Money: its true

Lotta Money: you know your username reminds me of r/niceguy

Nice Guy:  _ no _

Nice Guy: noooooooooo

Nice Guy: ;-;

Lotta Money: its okay you can be my r/niceguy

Nice Guy: hhhhhhhhhh

Nice Guy: oKaY

Lotta Money: pls that looks cursed

\----

Woojin straightens out the top of his shirt around his shoulder, fidgeting uncomfortably. He’s never done something like this before, never even tried to get away from this group. In all honesty, he doesn’t know whether it’s going to work or not, whether they’ll let him go. 

He still doesn’t know why they want him. Woojin’s been friends with them since middle school. It had started with BamBam (as most things do). Woojin had just recently moved to the city, friendless and shy and in desperate need of attention. (Sue him, he wanted hugs). On the first day of 5th grade, BamBam had zoomed over (? he still doesn’t know how that happened) and dragged him over to his group of friends. (Throughout his years of knowing BamBam, Woojin has come to realize that you don't question him. Don't question him one single bit. You will lose brain cells you never even _knew_ you had.) (If that isn't talent, then Woojin doesn't know what is.)

And just like that, Woojin made 5 new friends in the span of a minute. It was one of his more notable achievements (the one’s he could remember, obviously), being adopted by an extrovert on the first day of school. 

In the new group, Woojin didn’t feel  _ uncomfortable _ , per say, but there was always an underlying doubt with them.  _ Feelings _ , you could say. 5th grade Woojin brushed this off easily, far too excited with the prospect of friends to pay attention to his suspicions. 

It was fine in fifth grade. Nothing really happened. Nothing  _ could _ have happened, they were in  _ fifth _ grade, for heaven’s sake, what could a bunch of 10 year olds really do? (They could do a lot, if they had enough people, but for some reason no one cared to talk to Woojin once he was adopted into the group.)

Woojin didn’t find it odd when Miyeon would giggle and wrap her arms around him, proclaiming that he was their so called "missing piece". He brushed it off to reading too many romance mangas. He didn’t find the few stares he got when he was with them odd. Woojin had spent a large amount of his life being ignored or stared at, he would take any sort of affection and friendship he would get. 

Again, nothing happened in fifth grade. They studied together, played together, made fun of Jaehyun together. They were a group. 

In sixth grade they entered middle school. It wasn’t that bad then either. Middle school was a huge step from elementary, what with the six periods and changing for PE, and lockers and there were so many  _ teachers _ now! Woojin spent a lot of middle school getting used to middle school. 

He’s never adapted to change easily. He hadn’t adapted to the group easily either, taking a few months to get used to the five other people.

He never had a “best friend” in the group. Miyeon and Dami had each other of course, as well as Mingyu and Jaehyun. Bambam was more of a free spirit, spending time with their group and another group (but it was mainly with a guy named Chris). It was just  _ weird _ . Something wasn’t right. 

He realized something was off about them in 7th. It was proper middle school now, the classes were harder, the teachers shittier, the pacers pacier. (Fuck the Pacer test). 

They were making him do things. It wasn’t anything  _ serious _ at that time, the average “Hey, Woojin, do you think you could get us a snack from the snack line? Thanks!” and the “Hey Woojin, could you drop off my books for me, pretty please? Thank you!” Woojin properly began his studies then, hiding out in the library most of lunch, head between the pages of notes. 

The librarian never liked him for some reason. (Woojin can’t blame her). They never sought him out, but passed by the library door often, just so that Woojin would know they were there. He never really realized what they were doing to him, always too caught up in his own visions of what they were inside his head. 

In 8th, Woojin realized he was screwed. Totally and  _ utterly _ screwed. In ninth he realized he wouldn’t be able to escape them. In ninth he realized that he should control his feelings better. In 10th he resigned himself to his fate. He gets over his feelings. In 11th he spent the entire year sitting next to them and studying. In 12th he would break out. 

What he’s found the  _ weirdest _ and the most suspicious is the day of his 17th birthday. He can only remember the morning of that day, until school. He doesn’t know anything after school went out. Their family doesn’t do anything the day of birthdays, unless it’s on a weekend. Woojin’s 17th birthday was not on a weekend. They probably didn’t do anything in the evening after school. It still doesn’t explain why he can’t remember a single thing of that day. 

Woojin shakes himself out of his reverie. It isn’t going to do him any good to think about it again, not when he’s thought about it too many times to count. 

Woojin pockets his phone and heads over to the usual table, where the rest of them are waiting. Woojin’s tired. He’s really, really,  _ really _ tired. Woojin shoots all of them a smile and sits down. Woojin can feel Mingyu’s eyes on him, raking over his body hungrily. He’s tired of it. // “You look different today.” Mingyu’s closer to him now, much,  _ much _ closer. Woojin hates it. 

He tenses, smiling warily at him. “Yes. I’m wearing different clothes.” 

“Why?” 

Because he has to fucking  _ change _ , that’s why. “Because I wanted to.” “Hmm, yes.” 

Woojin can feel fingers stroking over his thighs. It’s barely there, butterfly touches over the denim of his jeans, but he can feel it nonetheless. 

“You dyed your hair.”

“Yes. Yes I did. I wanted to, got bored of the black.” Woojin can feel Mingyu wrap an arm around his waist, breath hitting the side of Woojin’s neck. Woojin closes his eyes and tries to calm down. This has never happened before, not to this extent so  _ quickly _ . It must be the hair and the shirt. Shit. 

“You look beautiful.” 

Woojin gives him a strained smile, trying to move backwards. The arm around his waist doesn’t let him, tugging him even closer to the other, so that their faces are inches apart. 

Mingyu smiles cruelly at him, fingers running along Woojin’s jawline and pulling him closer. Woojin scowls and wrenches back, glaring. 

“Stop that Mingyu.” 

He can feel everyone else’s stares trained on him. They’ve never offered to do anything, nothing to help him. Woojin hates his past self for even considering to be with these assholes. Mingyu tugs Woojin forcefully into his lap, turning the smaller so that Woojin is facing him. Woojin fights him, pushing back, but his back only touches the table. Where the hell is Chan?

Woojin suddenly regrets everything, regrets dressing up, regrets dying his hair, regrets doing this entire thing in the first place. 

“I have a  _ boyfriend _ , Mingyu, stop this!” Woojin growls, pushing back. 

Mingyu scoffs. “Who would date you, Woojin?” He smiles, tapping Woojn’s cheek. “No one’s going to want to even  _ look _ at you.”

Woojin, in all honesty, has had quite enough. //He pushes Mingyu off of him so that the other lands on the ground in a heap. Minhyu groans, rubbing his head and glaring up at Woojin from where he towers over him. Woojin can feel a presence wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him close. 

_ This _ figure Woojin appreciates, smirking as he leans against Chan, leaning his head on his shoulder. 

Chan smiles brightly at him, but Woojin knows that there isn’t a hint of kindness in those eyes. “Hello, Mingyu. I don’t suppose you would mind if I take Woojin away?” Mingyu scoffs. “Seriously? You’re dating  _ Bang Chan _ , Woojin?” Woojin rolls his eyes. 

“Is it not obvious yet, Mingyu? Do you really think I’m letting a complete stranger wrap his arm around my waist? Is that what this is? Has your tiny brain finally malfunctioned or do you just refuse to see what’s clearly in front of you?” Woojin laughs, eyes darkening. He's slightly scared. He hasn't ever spoken up against Mingyu properly, without fear of consequences. 

He removes himself from Chan’s grasp, kneeling down to look Mingyu in the eyes. “You won’t touch me again, you will not speak to me again, you will not have anything to do with me every again, do you understand me? I have had  _ enough _ of all of your bullshit. That goes for  _ all _ of you.” He adds, shooting a look over his shoulder. The girls look amused. Jaehyun looks a mix between shocked and neutral- as if he can’t decide whether to give in to his emotions or not. 

Chan pulls Woojin up and kisses him full on the mouth, hands placed protectively on Woojin’s waist. Woojin smiles into the kiss and weaves his hands into Chan’s blonde hair, tugging him impossibly closer, so that all of him is pressed against his boyfriend. 

Woojin can feel the shocked stares of everyone around them, but he could not possibly care any less. It’s at this point that he realizes that he has no more fucks to give and that no one,  _ no one _ can take this euphoric feeling away from him. 

Chan pulls back, leading him away from the table. Woojin doesn’t look back. 

Woojin is not surprised in the very least to find that Jisung had recorded the entire scene and is sending it to every single person he knows. (It's not a large number of people, but it's large enough so that Woojin knows his mother will be proud. His father will probably be horrified at first, but then again..fathers.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have lost all self control.
> 
> from now on, some of the ships will change and other people will date each other. the end game ships are the tags :D what i can tell you for sure is that changlix and seungjin will always be changlix and seungjin. honestly it was smart of me to make jeonglix as brothers so i wouldn't accidently make them date each other haha and i could never make seungjin date anyone else im not doing that to poor pri and jem (and to myself). :D but yes absolutely zero self control! expect nothing! 
> 
> and im writing this mainly for myself so yeah..everything will be topsy turvy idk what the ending is going to be (I have a vague idea of the ending for this fic but for the entire universe? nope not at all heh) but lmao yeah don't expect the ships to be easy uwu :D but ye hhhh hope thats okay if its not then that sure does suck! okay but i am going to try very hard not to put some kind of actual plot with violence and government businesses and whatnot (trying very, very hard but im me and if you know me you know that there's going to be some darkish stuff going on rip) also this is going to be so long pls expect at least 100k the maknae line has to go through four years of high school rip
> 
> i would like to say that finding the memes was HELL i had to go through all of pri's tumblr because i needed her meme and i had to go scour through jem's comments to find amy's wretched thing because we all know that amy gets clowned the most in jem's fics. *sigh* what all work i have to do.   
> also i'm aware im not that funny hhhh most of my humor comes from references, and self deprecation uwu so for whoever has gone through my trashy attempts at humor, thank you! thank you very much!! i appreciate you all a lot uwu <33
> 
> ALSO I NEED SOMEONE FOR INNIE TO DATE, EVEN IF ITS FOR A SHORT WHILE i can't remember if i added yedam yet i hope i didnt if i did ill cry but yes give me your suggestions (It can be anyone, really, like jisung from dream or beomgyu from txt) but ye!! i dont wanna leave bby alone all the time :((
> 
> (next will be the boys + skirts uwu)


	19. buns  (special chapter number uno)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dad: this is hurting my eyes
> 
> Wine Aunt: don’t be a sourdough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was just bored okay also thANK YOU FOR 2.5k hits and over 100 kudos! i love you all uwu
> 
> have fun~

___ __ _____

**Crackhead Family(9):**

Mom: woojin

Mom: you’re the loaf of my life

Dad: what

Mom: the yeast i could do is love you

Dad: what 

Wine Aunt: i think he was trying to get a rise out of you hyung

Cutie Child: minho hyung you’re my roll model

Wine Aunt: seungmin’s a purebread puppy

Favorite Child: jisung, my wife

Problem Child 1: yes, felix my beloved wife?

Favorite Child: you’re my butter half

Problem Child 1: felix…

Favorite: jisung…

Floopy Child: *wedding bells ring in the background*

Problem Child 2: bro…

Favorite Child: bro…

Dad: this is hurting my eyes

Wine Aunt: don’t be a sourdough

Dad: …

Dad: *sigh*

Maknae: the four horsemen of bread are:

Favorite Child: toast malone

Floopy Child: bred sheeran

Cutie Child: vladmir gluten

Problem Child 2: and elon crust

Maknae: crusty dusty musty

Dad: bready to die

Favorite Child: the dust bunnies under my bed

Favorite Child: i feed them crumbs

Favorite Child: b r e a d crumbs

Dad: holy heck

Mom: *holy bread

Dad: *holy chicken

Mom: *holy mother of rolls

Wine Aunt: changBUN

Problem Child 2: wiat what no

Favorite Child: CHANGBUN

Favorite Child: HIS ASS HIS FAT AND ITS THICC AND IT RISES ITS THE CHANGBUN

Problem Child 1: CHANGBIN!

Problem Child 1: thE BUNNIEST OF ALL BUNS

Cutie Child: CHANGBUN

Cutie Child: bun bun bun fun in the breaded sun

Floopy Child: CHANGBUN

Floopy Child: THE BUTTER OF ALL BUNS

Problem Child 2: what the heck

FLoopy Child: RYES AND SHINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- Kylie Jenner

Cutie Child: iS tHAt a cHicKen?

Problem Child 1: IT WAS ACTUALLY A PABBIT

Problem Child 1: OH MY GOD

Problem Child 1: CHANGBIN IS PART OF THE KARDASHIAN JENNER FAMILY

Maknae: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

Problem Child 2: WHAT NO 

Favorite Child: its okay pizza hyung its okAY

Favrorite Child: DID YOU GET SOME MONEY THO

Problem Child 2: NO???

Favorite Child: PREPARE FOR DEATH HOE

Problem Child 2: WHAT/????

Favorite Child: YES 

Maknae: PUT HIM IN THE OVEN

Cutie Child: COOK HIM TILL HES BURNT AND TOASTY

Floopy Child: TOASTY liKE HIS ASS

Problem Child 2: HELP ME???

Wine Aunt: no no im screenshotting thsi entire thing and putting it in my blackmail folder

Problem Child 2: YOU HAVE A BLACKMAIL FOLDER?????

Wine Aunt: yes ofc

Wine Aunt: rn its filled with felix and chan but soon it will be filled with all of you

Problem Child 2: WHAT NHjsd

Problem Child 1: get yourself an organized man

Problem Child 2: BITCH ITS BLACKMAIL

Floopy Child: a ToAsT tO bUtTeR dAyS

Cutie Child: getting the butter now

Cutie Child: IM GOING TO BUY THE ENTIRE FUCKING STORE OF BUTTER

Favorite Child: THERES A BuTTER STORE?????

Floopy Child: THERES A BUTTER STORE?????   
  


Maknae: OMG BUTTER STORE

Problem Child 1: BUTTERFLY STORE?????

Maknae: one time beomgyu told me that his yeonjun hyung went to the front of class and asked if anyone wanted to see a butterfly and then he yeeted a stick of butter at the teacher’s face

Maknae: he got detention for a week but the teacher was laughing

Problem Child 2: yeonjun is a trendsetter.

Maknae: one time my dad was boiling water and he said “rip boiled water you will be mist” and then cackled really really loudly

Problem Child 1: p u n s

Favorite Child: *buns

Favorite Child: *changbuns ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changbun
> 
> (next chapter will be the bois in skirts as i had planned!)  
> drop a comment, they make my day !


	20. chammak challo (special chappie number dos)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cutie Child: yoU CAN BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLLOOOOOOOOO
> 
> FLoopy Child: gLADLY
> 
> Cutie Child: >////<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a list of excuses for being gone for a month, which you shall see at the end notes lol  
> ANYWAYS THIS ISNT EVEN PLOT THIS IS ME VIBING TO CHAMMAK CHALLO   
> (pls listen to the song it is SUCH a bop and shahrukh khan t-poses in the music video slightly )
> 
> also heck you romanization
> 
> have fun~

**Crackhead Family (9):**

Cutie Child: how do yall feel about bollywood?

Dad: bollywood bollywood very very jollywood

Dad: bop. 

Cutie Child: vALID

Dad: :3

Floopy Child: ay

Floopy Child: ay

Favorite Child: ayyy

Floopy Child: GIRL UR MY CHAMMAK CHALLO

Cutie Child: WHERE YOU GO GIRL IMMA FOLLOW

Floopy Child: OH OH OHHHHHH

Maknae: YOU CAN BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLOOOO

Floopy Child: SHAWTY IM GONNA GETCHA

Mom: YOU KNOW IM GONNA GETCHA

Problem Child 2: YOU KNOW ILL EVEN LET YOU BE MY

Problem Child 1: LETCHU BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLO   
Problem Child 1: AND NOW FOR THE SEUNGJIN

Floopy Child: *swoops in*

Wine Aunt: *floops in

Floopy Child: -_-

Floopy Child: anyways

Floopy Child: KAISA SHARMANA AAJA NACH KE DIKHAA DEEEE

(A/N: literally fuck you too, romanization)

(AZ lyrics thank you i do NOT know romanization because it is the devil)

Cutie Child: AA MERI HOLEY AAJA PARDA GIRA DE 

Floopy Child: AA MERI AKHIYON SE AKHIYA MILA LEA

Cutie Child: AA TY NA NAHKRE DIKHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

Problem Child 1: AYYYYYYYYYY

Floopy Child: WANNA BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLOOOO

Cutie Child: WANNA BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLOOOO

Favorite: ;) ;) ;)

Floopy Child: -_-

Wine Aunt: ;)

Cutie Child: yoU CAN BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLLOOOOOOOOO

FLoopy Child: gLADLY

Cutie Child: >////<

Floopy Child: o////o

Favorite: SHAWTY IM GONNA GETCHAAA

Dad: ah how nice it is to have children that have  _ taste _

Dad: lets get this naan everyone

Mom: YOU KNOW IM GONNA GETCHA

Dad: YOU KNOW ILL EVEN LET YOU 

Problem Child 2: BE MY CHAMMAK CHAMMAK CHALLOOOOOO

Floopy Child: KAISA SHARMANA AAJA NACH KE DIKHA DEEEE

Cutie Child:AA MERI HOLEY AAKA PARDA GIRA DE

Floopy Child: AA MERI AKHIYON ME AHKIYA MILA LEEEEEEE

Cutie Child: AA TU NA NAKHRE DIKHAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Favorite: *deep breath*   
  
Wine Aunt: *dramatic pause for the seungjin*

Floopy Child: WANNA BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLO

Floopy Child: OOOOOHHHHH OHHHHH

Cutie Child: WANNA BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLO

Cutie Child: OOHHHHH OHHHHHHH

Floopy Child: WANNA BE MY CHAMMAK CHALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Cutie Child: YESSSIRRRRRRR

Cutie Child: wait what

Floopy Child: <3

Cutie Child: <3

Wine Aunt: AND CUT

Mom: but the song isnt over

Wine Aunt: it’s 8:38 pm and chia needs to do her math hw and fill out her dual enrollment forms and her spanish forms which are due tonight and she also needs to wake up early for jazz because she’s an idiot okay let the poor girl cut the song off halfway

Mom: who-

Mom: what-

Dad: just let it be channie

Mom:  _ what _

Dad: ;)

Wine Aunt: ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i got lazy  
> sue me  
> please don't im broke and i need my money for band ;-;
> 
> ANYWAYS ik long ending notes are gross but well I'm going to put a long end note anyways because i have a lot of things to say!!! woo!!!
> 
> (comments are vv appreciated like always~) 
> 
> SSP:  
> \- From K to Q is out..like the first chapter lmao   
> \- i reposted you're my wave (crash your lips against mine) because guess what chia is a dumdum and accidently deleted her baby! sad life anyways go read it if you wish~  
> \- new oneshot for jem's birthday and it's a seungjin marriage au and i like to think it's fluffy and cute and it is titled: hey baby, i think i wanna marry you (side minchan because minchan gay)  
> \- just read my other fics if you like crack and sub par writing skillz
> 
> Excuses as to why I've been gone for a month:  
> \- right so first of all, i was studying for science olympiad and i need to study MORE because i didnt get into team A and have to take another test for Team B so imma be busy  
> \- second of all, school started yesterday and high school is already kicking my ass you guys im not gonna survive the next four years *cri*  
> \- third of all i live in california and the last week or so has been kinda terrifying because guess what it's on fire and im kinda near them but far enough that i don't have to evacuate (tho i nearly had to ;-;)  
> \- ANYWAYS LMAO I WILL PROBABLY DISAPPEAR FOR ANOTHER MONTH DONT MISS ME TOO MUCH   
> \- ways you can STOP me from disappearing for another month: there's really no surefire way unless you do all my hw for me but commenting does help i love comments but none of you are obligated
> 
> ALSO LMAO OKAY SO IF YOU WANT SOME QUALITY CRACK WITH THE GC GO TO MY DASH AND CLICK ON THE WORK THATS TITLES "something meme (crackhead antics with the gc)" oKAY I PROMISE YOU CRACK. YOU WILL GET THE GCS CRACK. :DDDD
> 
> -belated happy bday once again to jem mwah mwah i love you bby! 
> 
> stay safe everyone! if ur in cali or somewhere else particularily else i wish you the best of luck okay~ 
> 
> love you all!


	21. authors note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah it's...not fun

hi so this is all written on my phone so excuse the mistakes thank you. okay so I'm ending this fic. 

well... rewriting it actually. same with all of my fics that had woojin in them. this means : from a to z, this fic, and my coffee shop series . I'm not gonna delete them since I have too many lovely comments and they're all very close to me..but rewriting nonetheless. Also nothing is going to happen anytime soon because I have school and I'm working on a project currently. I won't go into the specifics on what happened since nothing has been set in stone yet and I'm not answering any questions about it. 

sry I'm like a big mess rn. anyways look out for the new insert title here in...October maybe? who knows but I really missed writing this and I'm excited to redo it with the ships I have in mind. 

(said ships are minchan, seungjin, changlix, and jeongsung) 

hmm any questions about meee will be answered unless they're too personal but yeah I love talking to you all and I love comments and they would really really help me right now. thank you to anyone and everyone who has been with me I love you all. 

stay safe ~

pri did a much more in depth of the situation on step out here's the link I highly suggest reading 

https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/64185937?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_342779125

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -chia <3

**Author's Note:**

> lmao im not funny  
> thanks for reading!! :D


End file.
